[r17n]

I love this. I know I struggle with "I don't want to bother this person".

How do you deal with that?

[grayhatter]

> "I don't want to bother this person".

> How do you deal with that?

You teach yourself to say no, to the things you don't want to do.

I considered leaving just that pithy reply, because that's really it. But some of the extra context; It's not a bother to ask someone to hold the door they're already going through because your hands are full. Starting a conversation is about as intrusive as that. The vast majority of people don't mind making some small talk, and ontop of that, the majority can make an excuse if they don't have time. You only assume they can't politely decline, because you can't. Once you learn to say no thanks, politely, but explicitly and directly. You'll actually understand and expect others to return the favor.

That's a much more fair way to interact with people too.

[cal_dent]

I echo this so much.

I'd add also that learning to hear someone tell you no and not taking it to heart and getting on with your life. So many people walk through life being afraid of hearing someone reply "no" to them, like its some existential rejection of them and that stops them from doing many things.

I'll make chit chat with anyone, and people who dont want to chat with are generally pretty explicit about saying they dont want to chat or don't have time, or pretty obviously implicit about it by not engaging or looking for ways out.

[johnnyanmac]

>You teach yourself to say no, to the things you don't want to do.

I feel that line of thinking can have some very grave consequences. My mind is swimming with intrusive thoughts half the time.

[karpovv-boris]

For me that clicked we are all just kids. Your parents are struggling with some problems in everyday life as you are. Your teachers sometimes might say they don't know the answer to your question in their field which is alright. (Parents and teachers are two figures who we look up to.) My point is that if you're thinking, "they have much more experience and I don't, so no need to bother them.." you're wrong. Basically, they could have more things, but about same lot of problems in the life as you. After that, just start asking simple questions.

[gyomu]

As the article says, you just take the risk. Maybe you will bother the person. It’s okay, you’ll be able to quickly tell if you do, and you just gracefully back away and go on with your day. It’ll probably happen much less than you think.

[wanderingstan]

I concur. And would just add two points: (1) Make it that you’re not asking for anything / don’t open with something that could be perceived as a setup to asking for money, or pushing a religion. :) 2) be sensitive to social cues or that they want to be left alone, like terse answers or shifting their attention away from you

[johnnyanmac]

When the risk can involve lasting consequences (especially in places like work/school), it makes me not want to bother.

[thisislife2]

> "I don't want to bother this person".

This is a common mistake many make - please don't be a "mind reader" and make assumptions. Seek clarification. Treat people like adults, and act like adults - you have the right to talk to anyone or ask someone for help. They have the right to be dismissive towards you or say no for whatever personal reason. People have different personalities. Sometimes, even nice people people act differently depending on the day they had and their moods. The point is, if they are strangers, you don't need to attribute any meaning or malice to this. However, always be mindful of social conventions and cultural practices.

[mindwok]

Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you? Most people like it! And even if they don’t, that’s ok, trust people to tell you their boundaries and respect them when they do. Nothing wrong with bothering someone if they tell you or send a strong signal and you respect it.

[dmd]

See my answer to that question is “er, yes, obviously??!” and so I assume, apparently incorrectly, that everyone is like me.

[mhurron]

> Would you be bothered if a stranger struck up a nice conversation with you?

Yes. If I am basically anywhere there are other people, I am there for a specific reason, and anyone trying to talk to me for anything else is bothering me. I've found that most people that try to start conversations with strangers are really poor at reading signals that their actions are unwanted and they only stop when you say something so out of their comfort zone they have no idea how to handle it. They just can't understand that people wouldn't want to talk to them.

And after this article and thread, we can add I don't want to be your practice dummy to the reasons you're bothering me.

[frumplestlatz]

Yes, 100%. I don’t want to have a surface-level conversation with a stranger.

I’m also never going to be rude about it — unless you are first. Just pick up on the obvious hints that I’m not super into talking.

[technothrasher]

I usually just start with a small harmless joke about the current situation we're both in. People either don't respond to it, and I leave them alone, or they engage and a conversation commences.

[TurdF3rguson]

Let's hear the joke.

[beached_whale]

I think that it comes down to that people often like to talk about their interests but worry that the recipient may not be. So we end up with two people who want to talk but worried about the others feelings.

[paulpauper]

Then just disengage the conversation when this happens

[hluska]

These are called questions. They’re great. Hell, if you want to be regarded as a great conversationalist and great storyteller, all you have to do is ask questions.

[freediver]

Most people crave conversation and interaction. Those that are busy enough to potentially really be bothered will either show that clearly, or tell you so.

[ptero]

In some age groups/environments, sure; but not in general. And if folks crave interaction they want it to be deeper than a surface level.

That's not saying you should not try, but learn to recognize early signs of folks not being interested and don't push it.

[Agingcoder]

You virtually never bother them - worst case they’ll turn you down.

On the contrary, they’re usually very happy to tell you about what they do.

[gabaix]

Learn the social cues. People won’t say when they are busy. They might not ask you questions back, or keep doing what they do.

[coffeefirst]

I got a puppy. Then everyone wanted to talk to my puppy.

[resonious]

Same here but with human children.

[baxtr]

Do you get bothered when someone talks to you in a nice fashion?

[leonflexo]

If the answer is, "of course not". Pull that thread. Honestly, so much "therapy" for some of us boils down to confronting/examining that disconnect and exploring why it exists/how it came to be.

[rootusrootus]

Not the guy you asked, but my answer is: only if they are panhandling. Otherwise I usually feel a little surprised that someone would have any interest in my thoughts. So I feel a bit tickled if they have genuine interest.

[singpolyma3]

Yes

[mh2266]

https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/introvert

[deanmoriarty]

I genuinely get bothered when someone talks to me. I am typically rushing through my day to do stuff, whether it is hiking, grocery shopping, working out, or going to the restroom at work, and getting interrupted feels to me like getting an unwanted push notification on your phone.

When someone occasionally engages, I extremely quickly dismiss them in the most polite, but firm, way possible. I also intentionally keep a demeanor that generally signals I’m not open to random conversations (I avoid eye contact etc.), but that often doesn’t work. At the gym it is particularly problematic, I’m focusing on gathering strength for my next set and sometimes people bother you even if I am wearing headphones.

I truly do not have a problem with who I am, I’m comfortable in my shoes.

As such, never in a million years I would approach a stranger to strike up a conversation, it would seem an incredibly rude thing to do towards them, on top of clearly not having any desire to engage from my side.

I’ll talk for hours straight to my wife, close family and the very few friends I have though!

[7bit]

I do. Unless you're an attractive women, just leave me alone.

[doubled112]

If they seem uninterested in talking, tell them to have a nice day, then carry on with yours.

[hluska]

My grandpa had a gift for people - the man could start a conversation with anyone, form fast friends and remember their spouse’s middle name in twenty years.

As he put it, it’s a coin toss. Maybe you’re bothering them or maybe they’re grateful to have someone to distract them. Each is equally true before you start the conversation.

The key is being able to read social cues. If you can, you can stop bothering them.

[johnnyanmac]

People here acting like anyone interested in this article aren't already struggling to "read social cues".

[thegreatpeter]

Just practice. You will inevitably run into ppl that don’t want to talk. Don’t take it personally, don’t push it and try again

[jibal]

You're not afraid of bothering them, you're afraid of rejection. But so what if they do? The fear isn't rational, so choose to overcome it.