[david-gpu]

Yeah, that sounds very familiar. A deadbeat dad that was overly controlling when he was present. A mom that was trying to juggle her career, housework and two kids. This meant lots of time spent alone. Can't learn now to depend on people when there is nobody around. Bullying at school does not help, either. Hyper independence is a predictable outcome.

[antidamage]

It's very familiar. My father was abusive towards me and so I tried to disturb him as little as possible. He was extremely supportive of my younger brother, however, and we both turned out very differently. He turns to my parents constantly for help (and receives it) and the few times I have I've only been brushed off, and so I've always done everything myself, even if it meant spending long periods living in poverty with no footholds upward.

Years later I'm nearly 50 and have transitioned to female. My now divorced mother decided she likes having a daughter and so suddenly all of this support has materialised and with presumably less time to live the life I missed out on I'm making a conscious choice to start being a little dependent on it and shortcut some things that would have taken longer otherwise.

It's hard to describe but it feels like I'm living a more normal, less marginalised life now. I definitely have more friends, where previously I chose to avoid having any because I felt like having friends meant sharing burdens that were mine alone to carry.

I also see a lot of very similar behaviour in the wider trans community where most people's axis of behaviour revolves around some facet of not having support. We don't all handle it in a healthy way, but I now do my best to help my community find stability and adjust their expectations to having better outcomes.

[david-gpu]

You have carried a heavy burden. It is good to hear that you are finding a community around you at last.

[mountainriver]

It’s a blessing in some ways, I’m much more capable at doing difficult things without much help. But it’s also debilitating in significant ways, I constantly feel like I need to do incredible things to get love

[david-gpu]

You deserve love and kindness unconditionally. You are good enough just the way you are.

What would you tell a friend who was in your circumstances?