[kig]

I can imagine the Elop-to-all-employees memo as MS CEO: Windows 8 is a disaster. Windows 9 is not ready yet and won't be ready for years. We're on a burning oil platform in the middle of the night. The only way to survive is to jump into the icy cold waters of the Puget Sound.

We're announcing a platform shift to Symbian, which we'll be licensing from Accenture Consulting at $15/pop. But they're our strategic partners so they're going to give us marketing money to market the new Microsoft Symbian 800, so it's almost like it's free.

In order to take advantage of the synergic benefits of outsourcing our core business, I'm going to sell the Microsoft headquarters, fire all the obsoleted software engineers along with 50000 employees who cost too much to employ in our new revenue structure. We will also be EOLing Windows, Xbox, Windows Live, Hotmail and Office and focus on rocking the world with Bing and the Microsoft Symbian range of products, supported by the amazing Accenture Symbian App Store.

Our exclusive partnership with Lenovo to sell Microsoft Symbian in countries where we have traditionally done badly is going to form the cornerstone of our new strategy. The new $1999 Lenovo Symbian smart tablets are industrial-strength products designed to make a massive impact from Sichuan to Gansu.