I will share my two cents, how I overcome my depression. It sounds deadly simple, and it sort of is.
1) regular excercise. Make some small, daily routine (I prefer running) and stick to it. The endorphines work wonders. The body starts feeling good after a few days.
2) (and this will be maybe controversial due to The religious undertones) regular meditation. While excercise clears your body, meditation clears your mind. Maybe it's not "really" doing anything and it's just a placebo, but frankly, it doesn't really matter. What I do is zen meditation (of soto school), which is basically just staring to wall for 20 minutes a day.... and it helps wonders.
So yeah.... those two commandments help me. Your mileage may vary.
2/ Only surround yourself with brilliant and positive people.
I partly agree with this rule. People who are negative drama-creators who regularly make bad decisions can really drag you down. They can cause you to spend an excessive amount of time worrying about pointless problems that only exist because of someone else's immaturity.
But I'm also a teacher. I work with at-risk children who are immature and sometimes make bad decisions -- exactly the kind of people this rule says to stay away from, only they're 9 years old instead of 35. And being around them makes me very happy -- because of the difference I can make for them. I find it unfortunate that people sometimes fear "negativity" and "immaturity" so much that they let themselves be scared away from rewarding opportunities.
I think the author is talking about people you choose to have in your life, people you would consider taking advice from and talking about your problems with. The 9 year olds in your profession probably provide very rewarding relationship, and they are people you can help. But they are hardly your "friends."
If you were to surround your self with a bunch of 30 something neurotics who all needed your help, and it was not part of your job to help these people, then you would be in trouble.
In a pure meritocracy, the best academic students are admitted, since college has an academic purpose. Most of these academically-oriented students are going to be the driven-to-succeed type. It benefits a school not at all to have an unhappy bottom quarter who feel driven to succeed yet are outclassed academically by the rest of the cohort. However, it's impossible to help the bottom quarter in general because there always must be a bottom quarter by definition.
Instead, pioneered by Harvard, the "Happy Bottom Quarter" philosophy argues that for the sake of fundraising, reputation, and the self-esteem of students, schools should admit people specifically for the bottom quarter[1]
I don't like this, as a rule. The author warns of its shortcomings pretty well:
>Of course, if you care about them, then you owe it to yourself to transmit your positive attitude to them.
I've found that who you surround yourself with is quite often outside of your control. Sooner or later, you're bound to care about someone with negative qualities that you don't want to see in yourself. I do not believe that is justification for cutting them out of your life!
Value brilliance and positivity in people, and avoid participating in negativity is a better rule, for me.
made me think of George Washington's rules of civility[1] (# 56):
Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad Company
I was hoping that you were going to critique the need to surround yourself with "positive people".
There's obviously a lot to be said for not surrounding yourself with pessimists, but (in the US, anyway, and silicon valley, in particular), the default personality type tends to be "optimism to the point of delusion". It's just as problematic to overdose on positive thinking as it is being surrounded by pessimists.
Optimism is like sugar: it's great and you need it, but if you eat too much of it you'll only get sick. And just like sugar, the average US diet already has plenty.
Realize the effect you have on the people around you. If you're are negative, you will make the people around you feel negatively, if you are positive, you will make them positive.
It's more powerful than advice telling you to cut people out of your lives. You will have a better effect on the world.
To me, blaming the people around you for your own negative feelings is part of the 'blame others for your own problems' negative cycle of excuses. Make the people around you positive by being positive, by being a good friend: listening, inspiring, generally caring.
In a sense it almost puts relationships in a transactional context. And people who do that are often assholes.
I think it's important to seek out people with whom you value spending time with, as well as to distance yourself from people who are not good friends and aren't deserving of your time or energy, but that's a much more complicated topic than can be summed up in a handful of words.
I enjoyed the post but there is one sentence I can't understand:
> 2/ Only surround yourself with brilliant and positive people. Negative and mediocre people are everywhere and their influence on you can be devastating.
The thing is that I'm potentially one of those "mediocre" people and I don't see why my influence should be devastating.
For instance, what is wrong about being negative? Not that my days are about it but, when I find myself thinking about the society we've built, I feel depressed and helplessness. Our society runs on poverty, climate change, INC governments, wars. We got to a point where some perpetuate violence on people and animals for living.
Not only that but from a certain perspective, I've a reason to think about myself as a mediocre person, cause I managed to get lot of good things from life, including a fun job but I'm not the "cool kid" and, as such, I think I'm quite a mediocre guy.
So my question is as follows, what are you suggesting here: the best way to avoid any negativity get to you, is to eliminate these gloomy people from your life ?
This may be based on Law 10 of the 48 Laws of Power.
"You can die from someone else’s misery. Emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead."
Globally speaking, there is less poverty and warfare than there has ever been in human history, or to put it another way, humanity is more prosperous and peaceful than it's ever been. By all objective measures except environmentally, 2013 is shaping up to be the greatest year in human history. Really, the greatest issue facing humanity today is climate change, not the other stuff you mention.
The human mind is so great that it came up with all modern society, and so irrational that it chooses to be miserable about people dying of famine and in wars on the other side of the world when there is nothing that the person can do about it and his life is devoid of any remotely immediate tragedies. What is wrong about ignoring (really, not so much ignore as simply not watching the news) things that you will do nothing about (most people will only help the proverbial children in Africa for the odd fundraiser) anyway, and instead focus on the fact that you are living a life that is much more pleasant and prosperous than what the news chooses to focus on? Ignorance truly is bliss.
Great advice, but... "Don’t compare yourself to others" I've repeatedly found this to be near-impossible. It's just that no matter what standard I've set for myself, just the fact that I see someone doing better automatically makes me think I'm doing something wrong and/or I'm not good enough. That may not be the case, but that's the default thought for me and only after do I actually look into it.
What's worse is that not only is it totally the wrong attitude, I know that it's the wrong attitude. It's very disheartening.
I do feel like a lot of these articles tend to tell you to do stuff you already know you should, but provide very little insight into how to go about doing it--don't compare yourself to others, embrace failure, don't be afraid to disappoint others...this is all easier said than done. I know all this. I need strategies to help achieve them.
That said, just being regularly reminded that these are things to strive helps internalize them. This will help us keep an eye out to catch ourselves and try to correct when we compare ourselves to others.
I've had similar problems and saw a talk by Heidi Halvorson that reframed it a bit: Instead of trying to stop the "compare to others" behavior, replace the behavior instead with "compare to my own past performance". I've found measuring and hacking your own improvement is a more useful feedback loop.
I don't like "Don't compare yourself to others." To me it has little meaning other than making people feel good. If you are starting at the beginning of just about anything, you occasionally need to compare yourself to the "pros" in order to grow. All things in moderation.
2/ Only surround yourself with brilliant and positive people.
this really touched me, most of my friends are always negative and angry and sad to say but my family is also dysfunctional which at times leads me to being stressed and upset as well. It's hard to cut people off who are your family and friends though.
There are a lot of blog posts out there, many of which refer to peer-reviewed literature (or at least to news articles about peer reviewed literature).
Some points from memory -
Pets are good (Dogs beat cats).
Wage matters.
Friends beat family (Not sure if this talk mentions this)
Money can buy happiness by buying experiences(Not things) and when you spend it on others.
Long commuting time to work is bad. (IE A big house in the suburbs sucks)
Your values have nothing to do with evidence, reasoning and/or facts. You can change your opinion, increase your knowledge, admit you were wrong about facts but this won't change your values.
Graham Greene said: "Point me out the happy man and I will point you out either egotism, selfishness, evil - or else an absolute ignorance."
This world isn't built for maximising happiness of humans, this is true whether you follow scientific rationale or religious faith. When you pursue happiness, you are working against the system. There in nothing wrong with it, however it does tell you why Graham Greene concluded the above.
I wouldn't paint him as either egotistic, evil or ignorant. I consider myself an atheist and his books have significantly changed the way I view the world.
From my experiences, these spring up as the big ones I'd mention:
1. Learn to be happy with your own company before you seek a relationship. People who want to be your emotional crutches are generally bad for your growth in the long run, and being able to be happy on your own will help you get out if the other person becomes abusive.
2. Don't have a totally unbalanced investment in any one person, group or activity. Doing so makes you very vulnerable and makes failure in that area devastating for no commensurate increase in happiness.
3. Find people you can listen to, and who are interested in some of the same sort of things that you are. Listen to these people if you honestly trust them or leave them if you don't. If your friends are honest, sometimes they'll hurt you in warning you off of things or people. This is worth it - don't get so lost in your own ego that you lose all tough with reality, in the long run that will hurt more.
4. Get enough high-quality sleep. Not all sleep is good, even if you manage to pass out. Silence and as near to total darkness as you can get are pretty much prerequisites to waking up refreshed. A comfortable bed that properly supports you is also worthwhile. I've had friends who've gone off of depression medication by virtue of changing their beds and buying some blackout blinds. Just -- check that sort of thing first if you're having problems.
5. Do things with others. Archery, dancing, swimming, martial arts, paint-balling, painting, singing, etc. It gives you a chance to discover new passions and gets you in contact with a wider variety of friends in situations where you can form lasting relationships.
6. Smile at people. A smile is a gift you give to everyone around you, and it's free to the giver. It also seems to be linked to areas of our brains that make us feel happy even if we don't really feel that happy inside at the time. And seeing people smile back is nice.
7. Learn to look for the potential positives in things and phrase everything that you can in terms of positives rather than negatives. Few people like little storm-clouds dooming and glooming over them - in my experience, even in my own head, having a different spin on things makes me happier. You can make yourself very lonely just on the strength of choosing a specific phrasing.
8. This may not be for everyone, but: Teach. Not necessarily in a school environment. It can be incredibly rewarding to see a younger girl smile at the program she's just written, celebrate her first job, or (I gather from my boyfriend,) a young man make his first bit of woodwork.
9. Learn to recognise when you're boring people. This is, I gather, initially a rather depressing skill - but if you persevere you can find people who actually like being around you, or moderate your egoism somewhat, and that tends to be more rewarding.
10. Caring for others can let you be at least partially happy about some things that you might be sad about. A social form of hedging your bets. When the weather is blisteringly hot, for instance, I remind myself that Ellen (one of my friends) likes putting her washing out and sunbathing on the weekends and that makes me smile.
One concept that I think is hard to grasp, and makes taking this sort of advice hard to apply, is just how much our default happiness is biologically hard coded.
For this reason I view the point about exercise and eating healthy to be the most important one on the list.
I'd add - Understand the cost of fitting in. Being truly outstanding at what you do sometimes means you need to do it by yourself. Fitting in is comfortable, and will rarely lead to excellence and deep personal satisfaction.
I agree with every one of those things. Especially #2, but in a reverse effect: I've noticed that if I'm in a negative mood, the people I care about the most suffer from it. In the same way that you shouldn't surround yourself with people who are negative, you should attempt to be the same way yourself as much as possible. It'll make you a better person to be around.
1) We're social creatures -- we will inherently derive feelings of success from certain comparisons with others. Why should I forcefully negate this natural channel for happiness?
2) Only surround yourself with brilliant people. Negative people can be great.
3) Don’t be afraid to fail. Failing is not the best thing that could happen to you.
4) Find your vocation and have pleasure doing it (if vocations are you thing).
I wouldn't mind the list so much if you wrote "this is MY best tips for happiness and success." Because then it wouldn't contradict many studies on the subject which finds that very different variables cause happyness and success.
I click on every link similar to this one, and I've started to see the same things over and over again. This article was refreshing and different. Thanks for sharing.
There is no mediocre people???? Unless you like to be a ranking jerk with no friends. Seriously some of the most amazing people I have meet were "mediocre"
[+] [-] runn1ng|12 years ago|reply
1) regular excercise. Make some small, daily routine (I prefer running) and stick to it. The endorphines work wonders. The body starts feeling good after a few days.
2) (and this will be maybe controversial due to The religious undertones) regular meditation. While excercise clears your body, meditation clears your mind. Maybe it's not "really" doing anything and it's just a placebo, but frankly, it doesn't really matter. What I do is zen meditation (of soto school), which is basically just staring to wall for 20 minutes a day.... and it helps wonders.
So yeah.... those two commandments help me. Your mileage may vary.
[+] [-] lotharbot|12 years ago|reply
I partly agree with this rule. People who are negative drama-creators who regularly make bad decisions can really drag you down. They can cause you to spend an excessive amount of time worrying about pointless problems that only exist because of someone else's immaturity.
But I'm also a teacher. I work with at-risk children who are immature and sometimes make bad decisions -- exactly the kind of people this rule says to stay away from, only they're 9 years old instead of 35. And being around them makes me very happy -- because of the difference I can make for them. I find it unfortunate that people sometimes fear "negativity" and "immaturity" so much that they let themselves be scared away from rewarding opportunities.
[+] [-] x0054|12 years ago|reply
If you were to surround your self with a bunch of 30 something neurotics who all needed your help, and it was not part of your job to help these people, then you would be in trouble.
[+] [-] 001sky|12 years ago|reply
Instead, pioneered by Harvard, the "Happy Bottom Quarter" philosophy argues that for the sake of fundraising, reputation, and the self-esteem of students, schools should admit people specifically for the bottom quarter[1]
_______
[1] http://www.quora.com/College-and-University-Admissions/What-...
[apologies on the source, but it's footnotes are researched and worth the correct attribution].
[+] [-] bradleysmith|12 years ago|reply
>Of course, if you care about them, then you owe it to yourself to transmit your positive attitude to them.
I've found that who you surround yourself with is quite often outside of your control. Sooner or later, you're bound to care about someone with negative qualities that you don't want to see in yourself. I do not believe that is justification for cutting them out of your life!
Value brilliance and positivity in people, and avoid participating in negativity is a better rule, for me.
made me think of George Washington's rules of civility[1] (# 56): Associate yourself with Men of good Quality if you Esteem your own Reputation; for 'tis better to be alone than in bad Company
[1]-http://www.history.org/almanack/life/manners/rules2.cfm
[+] [-] timr|12 years ago|reply
There's obviously a lot to be said for not surrounding yourself with pessimists, but (in the US, anyway, and silicon valley, in particular), the default personality type tends to be "optimism to the point of delusion". It's just as problematic to overdose on positive thinking as it is being surrounded by pessimists.
Optimism is like sugar: it's great and you need it, but if you eat too much of it you'll only get sick. And just like sugar, the average US diet already has plenty.
[+] [-] Jormundir|12 years ago|reply
Realize the effect you have on the people around you. If you're are negative, you will make the people around you feel negatively, if you are positive, you will make them positive.
It's more powerful than advice telling you to cut people out of your lives. You will have a better effect on the world.
To me, blaming the people around you for your own negative feelings is part of the 'blame others for your own problems' negative cycle of excuses. Make the people around you positive by being positive, by being a good friend: listening, inspiring, generally caring.
[+] [-] InclinedPlane|12 years ago|reply
In a sense it almost puts relationships in a transactional context. And people who do that are often assholes.
I think it's important to seek out people with whom you value spending time with, as well as to distance yourself from people who are not good friends and aren't deserving of your time or energy, but that's a much more complicated topic than can be summed up in a handful of words.
[+] [-] giulivo|12 years ago|reply
> 2/ Only surround yourself with brilliant and positive people. Negative and mediocre people are everywhere and their influence on you can be devastating.
The thing is that I'm potentially one of those "mediocre" people and I don't see why my influence should be devastating.
For instance, what is wrong about being negative? Not that my days are about it but, when I find myself thinking about the society we've built, I feel depressed and helplessness. Our society runs on poverty, climate change, INC governments, wars. We got to a point where some perpetuate violence on people and animals for living.
Not only that but from a certain perspective, I've a reason to think about myself as a mediocre person, cause I managed to get lot of good things from life, including a fun job but I'm not the "cool kid" and, as such, I think I'm quite a mediocre guy.
So my question is as follows, what are you suggesting here: the best way to avoid any negativity get to you, is to eliminate these gloomy people from your life ?
Sounds more a strategy for distraction.
[+] [-] stevewillows|12 years ago|reply
"You can die from someone else’s misery. Emotional states are as infectious as diseases. You may feel you are helping the drowning man but you are only precipitating your own disaster. The unfortunate sometimes draw misfortune on themselves; they will also draw it on you. Associate with the happy and fortunate instead."
– Robert Greene / 48 Laws of Power
http://cgt411.tech.purdue.edu/covey/48_laws_of_power.htm
[+] [-] olegious|12 years ago|reply
There is a difference between the ability to critically analyze yourself and thinking of yourself negatively.
[+] [-] cgh|12 years ago|reply
So take some cheer in that, I guess.
[+] [-] Dewie|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] eksith|12 years ago|reply
What's worse is that not only is it totally the wrong attitude, I know that it's the wrong attitude. It's very disheartening.
[+] [-] lkbm|12 years ago|reply
That said, just being regularly reminded that these are things to strive helps internalize them. This will help us keep an eye out to catch ourselves and try to correct when we compare ourselves to others.
[+] [-] SmallBets|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] yawn|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] shire|12 years ago|reply
this really touched me, most of my friends are always negative and angry and sad to say but my family is also dysfunctional which at times leads me to being stressed and upset as well. It's hard to cut people off who are your family and friends though.
[+] [-] WalterGR|12 years ago|reply
Or put another way: what does actual research suggest the "commandments" for happiness are?
[+] [-] theorique|12 years ago|reply
This is one of the best IMO: http://www.bakadesuyo.com/2011/09/10-things-you-need-to-know...
A lot of it aligns with what you might consider "common sense":
exercise
a sense of purpose and meaning (can be religion-based, but doesn't have to be)
meaningful work
gratitude for positive things in your life
having someone you can talk to about your problems and difficulties
regular and consistent connections with friends and family
[+] [-] mathattack|12 years ago|reply
His book on the topic is here -> http://www.amazon.com/Stumbling-Happiness-Daniel-Gilbert/dp/...
The impatient can look at his TED talk here -> http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.h...
[+] [-] jk4930|12 years ago|reply
World Database of Happiness http://www1.eur.nl/fsw/happiness/
[+] [-] aaron695|12 years ago|reply
http://www.psy.uq.edu.au/activity/media.html?mid=35
Some points from memory - Pets are good (Dogs beat cats). Wage matters. Friends beat family (Not sure if this talk mentions this) Money can buy happiness by buying experiences(Not things) and when you spend it on others. Long commuting time to work is bad. (IE A big house in the suburbs sucks)
[+] [-] msutherl|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ericgoldberg|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] gatekeepr|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] crassus|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bigd|12 years ago|reply
(a shitty negative person)
[+] [-] jafaku|12 years ago|reply
What if someone shows me evidence, a better reasoning, or anything I didn't know, that goes against one of my values? I disagree with this point.
[+] [-] brugidou|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] dbecker|12 years ago|reply
For instance, one could hold a value of relying on evidence rather than preconceived notions.
[+] [-] gsk|12 years ago|reply
This world isn't built for maximising happiness of humans, this is true whether you follow scientific rationale or religious faith. When you pursue happiness, you are working against the system. There in nothing wrong with it, however it does tell you why Graham Greene concluded the above.
[+] [-] epsylon|12 years ago|reply
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Matthieu_Ricard
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aXZqQINH9O0
I wouldn't paint him as either egotistic, evil or ignorant. I consider myself an atheist and his books have significantly changed the way I view the world.
[+] [-] namenotrequired|12 years ago|reply
Edit: clarity
[+] [-] Dewie|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] 6d0debc071|12 years ago|reply
From my experiences, these spring up as the big ones I'd mention:
1. Learn to be happy with your own company before you seek a relationship. People who want to be your emotional crutches are generally bad for your growth in the long run, and being able to be happy on your own will help you get out if the other person becomes abusive.
2. Don't have a totally unbalanced investment in any one person, group or activity. Doing so makes you very vulnerable and makes failure in that area devastating for no commensurate increase in happiness.
3. Find people you can listen to, and who are interested in some of the same sort of things that you are. Listen to these people if you honestly trust them or leave them if you don't. If your friends are honest, sometimes they'll hurt you in warning you off of things or people. This is worth it - don't get so lost in your own ego that you lose all tough with reality, in the long run that will hurt more.
4. Get enough high-quality sleep. Not all sleep is good, even if you manage to pass out. Silence and as near to total darkness as you can get are pretty much prerequisites to waking up refreshed. A comfortable bed that properly supports you is also worthwhile. I've had friends who've gone off of depression medication by virtue of changing their beds and buying some blackout blinds. Just -- check that sort of thing first if you're having problems.
5. Do things with others. Archery, dancing, swimming, martial arts, paint-balling, painting, singing, etc. It gives you a chance to discover new passions and gets you in contact with a wider variety of friends in situations where you can form lasting relationships.
6. Smile at people. A smile is a gift you give to everyone around you, and it's free to the giver. It also seems to be linked to areas of our brains that make us feel happy even if we don't really feel that happy inside at the time. And seeing people smile back is nice.
7. Learn to look for the potential positives in things and phrase everything that you can in terms of positives rather than negatives. Few people like little storm-clouds dooming and glooming over them - in my experience, even in my own head, having a different spin on things makes me happier. You can make yourself very lonely just on the strength of choosing a specific phrasing.
8. This may not be for everyone, but: Teach. Not necessarily in a school environment. It can be incredibly rewarding to see a younger girl smile at the program she's just written, celebrate her first job, or (I gather from my boyfriend,) a young man make his first bit of woodwork.
9. Learn to recognise when you're boring people. This is, I gather, initially a rather depressing skill - but if you persevere you can find people who actually like being around you, or moderate your egoism somewhat, and that tends to be more rewarding.
10. Caring for others can let you be at least partially happy about some things that you might be sad about. A social form of hedging your bets. When the weather is blisteringly hot, for instance, I remind myself that Ellen (one of my friends) likes putting her washing out and sunbathing on the weekends and that makes me smile.
[+] [-] acurious1ne|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] pcurve|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] eksith|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] coolsank|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] soora|12 years ago|reply
For this reason I view the point about exercise and eating healthy to be the most important one on the list.
[+] [-] rheide|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] freejack|12 years ago|reply
I'd add - Understand the cost of fitting in. Being truly outstanding at what you do sometimes means you need to do it by yourself. Fitting in is comfortable, and will rarely lead to excellence and deep personal satisfaction.
[+] [-] Shank|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kyle4211|12 years ago|reply
1) We're social creatures -- we will inherently derive feelings of success from certain comparisons with others. Why should I forcefully negate this natural channel for happiness?
2) Only surround yourself with brilliant people. Negative people can be great.
3) Don’t be afraid to fail. Failing is not the best thing that could happen to you.
4) Find your vocation and have pleasure doing it (if vocations are you thing).
5) +1
6) +1
7) +1
8) +1
9) +1
10) Eh.
[+] [-] Sagat|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] bjourne|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rpmuller|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] baldfat|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] farnsworth|12 years ago|reply