I have just finished an excellent online course called "The Brief History of Humankind"[1]. It was really an eye opener for me. I always loved history, but all the arguments people made about why we need to study it never really resonated with me. The stuff about "not repeating the same mistakes", "not re-inventing the wheel", "learning from the past" just never made much sense to me. The real reason to study history, as it was brilliantly presented in the course, is not to learn from the past, but to get liberated from it. We study the past to learn about our present. How did we get here? Why are we here? Often, things we accept as "natural" or permanent, or "optimal" are just a result of decisions and events that occurred long ago in very different context.
This post is an excellent reminder that sometimes we need to do the same on the personal level. We need to look back at our past in order to understand our present and decide about our future.
History is also great for providing intellectual perspective. A lot of people take as universal ideas that are actually peculiar to our own era; since no era gets everything right, the ideas and attitudes of the past can help you evaluate those you took for granted.
Of course, studying the future would probably work just as well, if that were possible.
I'm not sure it's really what Sivers means, but I agree with what you wrote. I even think that if (after learning how to read and write) children only studied history and maths, they'd be better educated (and even better people) than the average today.
I encourage everyone to pick a slice of history this christmas and study it for a bit. It's entertaining, too.
I always felt that Singapore just doesn't seem like the right place for someone like Derek Sivers. It's a beautiful and wonderfully located place, but the stated or unstated reasons many US expats give for moving there are narrowly selfish -- in the sense of irrational selfishness vs enlightened self-interest -- low taxes, clean streets. Yet Singapore's culture is strongly communitarian: there may be low income taxes, but there are tons of other rules and regulations. The reason for the low taxes, an efficient, universal, and well functioning healthcare system, and so on isn't liberal individual empowerment (which is often the reason given for both individualistic economic policies like low tax rates and for safety-net policies like universal healthcare in the West), it's greater communal good (which -- unlike in ther West -- is also defined in a way that's much more nuanced than "greatest good for the greatest number"). That reality may not hit people immediately, but it will eventually: e.g., if you plan to have kids, be ready for corporal punishment in most schools and even some junior colleges, and (far more burdensome and soul crushing for an individualistic soul) military conscription.
Derek talked about this in earlier essays and acknowledge that he was resetting his operating system towards a more communitarian, giving the example of nominally "converting" to Islam to marry a woman. Yet to me that reason still seemed narrowly selfish, a much more principled and selfless act would be to refuse to compromise one's greater cultural and religious heritage and forgo one of life's greatest long-term pleasures (love) -- something I would not endorse, as it would result in great misery for both himself and now wife.
Personally, I am lucky, as I found United State's "left coast" and "far west" cultures to be my home: I see my own culture was being a happy medium between these two, but I have a fluent understanding and appreciation of both of these cultures. They mesh far better than the cultures I've been brought up in (secular Jewish and Russian) and I'm very lucky that I have the ability to pick and choose -- I would simply not survive (in the physical sense) had I attempted to live a life true to my personal views in the land I was born in. I sincerely hope that Derek finds in New Zealand a culture he can belong to.
This bothered me deeply, and so I had to take it apart, point by point.
1: Singapore is not right for "someone like Sivers"
2: People move to Singapore because they're narrowly selfish
3: Singapore is communitarian, not liberal-individual-empowerment (sure.)
4: Corporal punishment and military conscription are burdensome and soul-crushing for an individualistic soul.
5: strlen feels it's relatively unprincipled and selfish of Sivers to "compromise his (Siver's) greater cultural and religious heritage" because of love
6: But strlen would not endorse such a compromise himself because it would result in great misery
7: strlen is lucky for not having had to compromise his personal views/values
8: strlen hopes Sivers finds a culture he can belong to
While all of this is written in good English and the language sounds pleasant, I can't help but react negatively to it. It feels somewhat... patronizing?
> If you plan to have kids, be ready for corporal punishment in most schools and even some junior colleges, and (far more burdensome and soul crushing for an individualistic soul) military conscription
For US expats raising their kids in Singapore, there is the option of sending them to the American international school (http://www.sais.edu.sg/) instead of the public Singaporean school system. As for military conscription, that only applies to citizens, so if your children take US citizenship instead of Singaporean citizenship (US practices Jus Sanguinis, so I think this is possible), they wouldn't have to worry about military service (I'm not Singaporean or an immigration lawyer, so don't take my word on that). In short, expats can totally avoid having that reality hit them. Expats tend to live in a totally different world than the natives of the countries in which they settle.
I enjoyed the post, but I find it to be such a vast departure from the way I think and feel, mostly because I have a family.
Sure, I would love to sit on a balcony in New Zealand, coding and listening to the birds, but I couldn't possibly rip my daughter away from her friends and the school she loves.
Again, I appreciate the spirit of the post, but reality for most of us precludes this level of whimsy, and I don't necessarily think that's bad.
>but I couldn't possibly rip my daughter away from her friends and the school she loves
I wouldn't be so sure. My parents made two significant moves during my school years which meant a new school and new friends. If you had asked me whether I wanted to move I would have said absolutely not. Looking back as an adult, being taken out of my comfort zone and forced to make a whole new set of friends and being given the opportunity to experience different places was fantastic for me.
That's not to say that there weren't some tears along the way...
I was thinking the same thing except more generally just being reasonably close to my family. It's kinda crazy when I was younger I would have thought nothing about just packing up and going anywhere. But you get older, you really start to feel like your family are the most important thing on this earth.
I probably would only move at this point if I felt like it was essential in order to seize a really important opportunity. I'm not really tied to my current location for any sentimental reason, but it would just be inconvenient to be too far from family.
I don't think you need to think about the question just in terms of your home's physical location. You can ask it about all sorts of things: your job, your general position in life, a meeting you're attending, even the place you're going for lunch.
I ended up north of you by just a tad bit, in Takaka. It was a long and winding 90 minute drive to get to Nelson, but it definitely felt like the "big city" compared to Golden Bay.
When people ask me how my 3 years in New Zealand were, it's hard for me to answer. A part of me was working hard, so I spent most of my hours behind my desk, at home, looking at the paddocks across the street. You could have probably put a backdrop behind that window and it would have felt like a beach in Fiji, or downtown Munich, etc. When I wasn't behind my desk however, it was a big realization that I was far away from home. After traveling to Europe for conferences a lot, you begin to realize that you are IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (or somewhere). It is very far from everything else. A 90 minute drive to Nelson, a flight to Auckland, a 14 hour flight to LAX, then a 12 hour flight to Heathrow. Yikes. When I'd get back to my little house in Takaka however... it felt like home. Small towns, beautiful scenery, great people. My only downfall was that I actually ended up yearning for a market like Whole Foods. I was used to having a HUGE selection of everything to fill my taste buds, and that's hard to come by unless you are in some of the larger cities there. Get ready for a lot of fish and chips, and beetroot on hamburgers. I bet you $100 you're going to miss your asian cuisine... badly.
That said, here is a list of things that come to mind:
- Go to the Mussel Inn near Onekaka in the evening. Enjoy their beer, food, and chat with the owner Andrew who has great stories (he's the tall guy that looks like Bob Dylan).
- Meet up with Galen King in Nelson. He's a good friend, a smart technologist, and a great person.
- Go to Collingwood and hit up the chocolatier there, Rosie Glows.
- Walk around Te Waikoropupū springs and be amazed.
I wouldn't trade the experience for anything (my second kid was even born there!). Enjoy New Zealand, and make sure to check out Australia while you're down there too. You're close as you're ever going to be =)
As a kiwi I am offended about your cuisine comment.... I am also nodding in absolute agreement.
In NZ you need to play to the strengths. You'll get some of the best seafood and wine in the world. Freshly caught fish, simply cooked, with a bottle of South Island white wine. Glorious.
Also, the nature helps. A cup of tea and some smoked mussels. Usually mundane -- but, after you've just hiked up a mountain and you're sitting on a ridge. Delicious.
Mussel Inn also make a delicious Manuka-flavoured beer.
As an NZer, I have the opposite feeling than the original article at the moment. After visiting a few cities that have 4-5x the populatation of my whole country I'm itching to live somewhere with such a large base of people. I'll probably end up back here in the future but as an underpopulated island nation, the combination of low(er) wages and high relative living (esp. housing) expenses + expensive imported goods is not helping at the moment.
Just recently returned from my honeymoon in New Zealand. We stayed in Golden Bay for a night and had some drinks and food at the Mussel Inn. Nelson was certainly one of my favorite towns.
When I was younger, It was always my intention to work remotely in NZ. I never was able to pull it off, although I got close. I never gave up the dream though, and hearing stories like this keep me motivated.
What if you don't know the answer to this question ("Why am I here?")? What if your answer is that you don't understand why you're still here? When your passion for everything and anything in life has waned to nothingness. When you feel like your body is in a constant state of physical and mental fatigue, bordering on a grinding, gnawing pain? When you feel like a passenger in your own life, stuck in the rat race, stuck in the routine of monotony? When every day boils down to sleep, eat, work, and everything in between ends up as a fuzzy blur?
What then? How can I shake this feeling? How can I restore the drive and motivation in myself that I never remember having in the first place? Is it even possible?
To follow Mr. Sivers's analogy: What if all my reasons have expired? Is that somewhere else... nowhere else? Should I be dead instead? That doesn't seem like a very practical path to follow, but yet living feels so draining that I don't know how much longer I can carry the weight of a life lived for nothing. It really is all for naught. At this point I feel like I am living this life because it is the life society wants for me: go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, grow old, die. That sounds horrible to me and yet I feel so stuck in this formula. I feel so abnormal because I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled with this "normal" version of life. And I can't tell anyone these things because they will reject me, saying I should just enjoy this or that, or telling me that I should be grateful for what I have. Their words (and this article) don't change anything. I know that the change must first come from within, but I don't know where to start.
You are probably above the average.. You are smart philosophically enough to understand "the truth"; everything just looks like some silly games one on top of another, with nothing much to spends peoples life away.. right?
The thing is.. more and more people will be like you, like me.. because all those things we build.. this new world we are trying to create (or at least to manage), make us smarter..
What works for me: Try to to the things you like the most in the world, even if people dont like it; be sincere to yourself always.. be true to your inner essence..
Than these little things will grow, make your life more valuable to you..
Take the skeletons out of your closet: assume and be the guy/girl you always wanted to be, dont care about the others; just go for it..
Your spiritual side is important: try to make a connection to whatever you feel the divine is... in waht do you believe.. this helps you, or its in your way to get more hapinness? Its good to find a gravitational point that is not our own ego, speacilly for people that are not selfish and narcisistic
Look: You are normal and probably more sane the most of the people.. they "the average" are the lunatics.. dont be ashamed of it, or think you are the wrong one, because you are different..
This is from a guy who use to believe in that and lost some years and some light, to believe that "the average" were right in some way.. and are turning back to what he really believes.. a path on its own.. there is no door ready for your life.. people above average make their own destiny by being themselves and make what they believe in.. its hard.. and we must be brave.. because it means to be aside of everything and marginalized for a while..
but that is what everybody needs.. even the average.. they need people to believe in, people who make take different routes and paths, and even make theirs lifes more valuable; i hope you are one of those..
What if it didn't matter if you have all the answers right now? What if it was OK if you accepted your current situation for what it is (i.e. simply a mixture of circumstances and emotions that are subject/likely to change)? What if all of your reasons haven't even been born yet? What if it was OK for you to be where you are with no reasons whatsoever?
My point is you can start by asking yourself different questions. I noticed that your questions centered on potential negative outcomes. Try flipping that around. "What if it was OK for me to feel this way right now?" "What if I don't need to change anything within myself right now?"
Better yet, take a break from asking questions for a bit. Take a few long, deep breaths instead. I have trouble remembering this sometimes, but life goes by one moment at a time. We don't have to live it all in one breath. We don't need to bear the burden of the next 60 years of possibility in the next 60 seconds of life. Take it a step at a time.
Try to not fight the feelings you're having. It's a battle you can't win. Accept them, let them be. The more you fight them, the more they'll consume you.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're only human. You'll never have all of the answers.
Finally, take everything I suggested with a grain of salt. I don't know your exact situation. I'm not a professional. I only know what's helped me get through tough times. Hopefully some of it can be helpful for you too.
I second the comment re: depression. If you've never spoken to a professional about these feelings, why not give it a chance? If you have, and it didn't work, why not try someone else? If you can only do one thing, speak to a pro.
I'm happy to share my own experiences/challenges with you if it helps. If you want, email me the things you're afraid to tell others about for fear of being rejected. It's my username at my username dot com. There's always someone willing to listen with an open mind, despite what you might think. Even if it's just some random stranger from the internet :)
Even though you're probably over thinking too much already, for some reason I would suggest reading William Golding's short essay entitled 'Thinking as a Hobby.' In Golding's taxonomy, Grade 2 is a powerful yet awkward place. To be on a higher level gives you a strategic advantage, yet it can be dangerous at the same time. I doubt anything could be said in a Hacker News comment or a blog post that could help change the way you think or see things, but perhaps pondering the beauty of a higher level of thought, less stifled by insignificant problems, may lead you to shift your perspective. Maybe it's not as simple as choosing to think differently, but give yourself a chance, break away from your routines, and maybe it'll just click.
Maybe it's as simple as choosing to think differently. Try to catch yourself dwelling on negativity and use it as an opportunity to be creative and think of positive perspectives. Don't try to be positive—just contemplating positive scenarios is generally enough to shift your frame of reference.
How old are you? Too young to be having a mid-life crisis but too old to be experiencing teenage angst, is my guess. There is hope and something I say may help you but really the only one that can save you is your self. My reply depends on your context. Details needed.
I was/am in a mood something like this after reading Godel, Escher, Bach. I can't say I've found a simple way back, but if you're into detailed psych Eric Fromm's books in English were fascinating to read and helped a bit. (Escape from Freedom, Man for Himself, Sane Society)
If you aren't so much into that (or even if you are) professional help is not a bad thing.
Derek, we met a while ago when you came down to Dunedin. I'm glad you finally made the move down here.
What I found very interesting is that your decisions are driven not by where to move TO, but what you're moving away FROM. Your trip to Oregon, then to Singapore and now NZ seems to follow the similar route. From a vastly different culture and super-densely-populated .sg to the extreme remote and lonesome place like .nz.
I feel that's probably not the best way to go for it. Instead of trial-and-error, how about a search algorithm? Instead of "Why am I here", why not ask "Where do I WANT to be?".
Here was the list of criteria me and my wife came up when we were drifting around for a year to look for a city to settle down.
Crucial:
1) Small country with around 5M population. Coming from China, I feel lots of the problems of modern society & politics is there because of the large degree of separation.
2) Walkabout city. We love walking. I want to make sure the walk from home to office takes no more than 30 minutes.
3) Close to nature. Tramping is our main hobby. We want to start walking in the wild with less than 1 hour drive. (Reality is the closest one is 5 minutes walk from home but that's a bonus.)
4) With a high quality university. This gives us the continuous flow of different ideas even the city is small.
5) Price is moderate. We want to have the leisure time to spend with our families and work on our hobbies. Affordable housing and reasonable prices give us the lifestyle we want without having to work our butts off.
Ok to give up:
1) Museums, galleries and fine restaurants. Even when we were living in Seattle or Boston, we spend more time on solitude activities like walking and reading. So cultural stuffs are great but we won't die if we don't have them.
2) Varieties of products/shops. We don't buy a lot of stuff and when we do, we buy ones that last very very long but not particularly in-the-fashion. So don't have much choices is not a big problem for us.
3) Weather. I love San Diego's weather. Never too cold. Never too hot. But if it's a city that rains a lot and doesn't have a proper hot summary, we're fine with that.
We visited and stayed in more than 40 cities during that year. Some we stayed 2 months, others a few days. When we started the trip, we have never heard of Dunedin. But those criteria helped us to quickly sift through the options and lead us to this unusual decision.
Three years later, we still feel grateful that we made that choice. Life is good here.
Very timely article. I am being laid off tomorrow (fri). I sent out this article to my team as sharing my last piece of nugget before I head out the door!
I think the question not only applies to a country or city but also the place you work, place you live, or any activity you do.
Are you there with friends at all? I'm just curious because for me I always want to be near friends and family, but know that for some people they would rather do something new and exciting.
So glad to hear you're feeling at peace in NZ, Derek. I know many people who are quietly excited you've chosen this far flung island to call home and know that you are a fantastic addition to the community no matter what you chose to do. I know you've been inwardly focused lately, but whenever you're ready, there's a great community waiting to welcome you with open arms at Enspiral (including Loomio of course).
I am always fond of Derek Sivers' insights, but I would personally have a hard time getting much done on the South Island. So much natural beauty to explore. I'd be on a perpetual kayaking/tramping/skiing trip!
When you go on vacation, you tend to pack everything you can into your short window of opportunity. If you don't need to rush, it doesn't seem too terribly difficult to find a TON of time to be productive. Some of my most productive weeks have involved 3-hour surf breaks in Mexico, rest stops during campervan road trips around NZ, cross-country (U.S.) train trips, and realizing there's not much to do but work all day if you're stranded on a tropical island and don't find tourist traps very appealing. If you're sufficiently engaged in your work, the periodic escapes provide an excellent opportunity to ponder and gather your thoughts. Just pace yourself. Work when you feel motivated and go out and do awesome stuff when you're not.
I look at it from the other side - why move? If you've loved everywhere you've lived and you expect to love anywhere else, isn't the converse that you'll love here just as much as wherever you might move to? Where does this need to travel somewhere every couple of years come from? I've tried it, and realised I'm better off where I am.
I love the idea of getting out of your normal habitat to focus. I went down to central america a month ago to spend a few days, got so much more work done in 3 days than I do in 2 weeks at home. I didn't have constant distractions or people pulling for my attention all the time. Am planning to do something like this quarterly in 2014.
Something to keep in mind is that you can likely do this at any time. Hopping a bus to another place you've never been and working from there for a couple days can likely have similar results.
What’s really cool about this idea is that it passes boundary tests - asking questions like "What if all of humanity acted like this?”
If the whole planet was a little more conscious - and able - to sort themselves into a fitting situation, the ‘system’ as a whole would churn out awesome results.
I suspect this won't be popular, but: Lucky you, Derek. You have the resources, and more important, the experience to be able to do that sort of thing.
Why am I in the US? Because I was born here.
(But people are friendlier in other countries, and life is less stressful.)
Having just moved from LA to the Big Island of Hawaii, these questions resonate with me, too. We moved because of my wife, but I can't say that I was opposed. Away from the crowded, paved LA basin to a small town, affordable housing, friendly people.
Sound thinking, re-asking a question whose answer changes over life. Without complete attachment to your chief focus there is no reason to keep up a previous life.
[+] [-] 11001|12 years ago|reply
This post is an excellent reminder that sometimes we need to do the same on the personal level. We need to look back at our past in order to understand our present and decide about our future.
[1]https://www.coursera.org/course/humankind
[+] [-] gdwatson|12 years ago|reply
Of course, studying the future would probably work just as well, if that were possible.
[+] [-] pagliara|12 years ago|reply
http://youtu.be/yqc9zX04DXs
Understanding where we fit on the timeline of the universe is quite amazing.
[+] [-] scrrr|12 years ago|reply
I encourage everyone to pick a slice of history this christmas and study it for a bit. It's entertaining, too.
[+] [-] strlen|12 years ago|reply
Derek talked about this in earlier essays and acknowledge that he was resetting his operating system towards a more communitarian, giving the example of nominally "converting" to Islam to marry a woman. Yet to me that reason still seemed narrowly selfish, a much more principled and selfless act would be to refuse to compromise one's greater cultural and religious heritage and forgo one of life's greatest long-term pleasures (love) -- something I would not endorse, as it would result in great misery for both himself and now wife.
Personally, I am lucky, as I found United State's "left coast" and "far west" cultures to be my home: I see my own culture was being a happy medium between these two, but I have a fluent understanding and appreciation of both of these cultures. They mesh far better than the cultures I've been brought up in (secular Jewish and Russian) and I'm very lucky that I have the ability to pick and choose -- I would simply not survive (in the physical sense) had I attempted to live a life true to my personal views in the land I was born in. I sincerely hope that Derek finds in New Zealand a culture he can belong to.
[+] [-] visakanv|12 years ago|reply
1: Singapore is not right for "someone like Sivers"
2: People move to Singapore because they're narrowly selfish
3: Singapore is communitarian, not liberal-individual-empowerment (sure.)
4: Corporal punishment and military conscription are burdensome and soul-crushing for an individualistic soul.
5: strlen feels it's relatively unprincipled and selfish of Sivers to "compromise his (Siver's) greater cultural and religious heritage" because of love
6: But strlen would not endorse such a compromise himself because it would result in great misery
7: strlen is lucky for not having had to compromise his personal views/values
8: strlen hopes Sivers finds a culture he can belong to
While all of this is written in good English and the language sounds pleasant, I can't help but react negatively to it. It feels somewhat... patronizing?
[+] [-] zhemao|12 years ago|reply
For US expats raising their kids in Singapore, there is the option of sending them to the American international school (http://www.sais.edu.sg/) instead of the public Singaporean school system. As for military conscription, that only applies to citizens, so if your children take US citizenship instead of Singaporean citizenship (US practices Jus Sanguinis, so I think this is possible), they wouldn't have to worry about military service (I'm not Singaporean or an immigration lawyer, so don't take my word on that). In short, expats can totally avoid having that reality hit them. Expats tend to live in a totally different world than the natives of the countries in which they settle.
[+] [-] unknown|12 years ago|reply
[deleted]
[+] [-] rsobers|12 years ago|reply
Sure, I would love to sit on a balcony in New Zealand, coding and listening to the birds, but I couldn't possibly rip my daughter away from her friends and the school she loves.
Again, I appreciate the spirit of the post, but reality for most of us precludes this level of whimsy, and I don't necessarily think that's bad.
[+] [-] ThatOtherPerson|12 years ago|reply
"Because my daughter loves it here."
Seems to fit in with what he was saying to me.
[+] [-] andyjdavis|12 years ago|reply
I wouldn't be so sure. My parents made two significant moves during my school years which meant a new school and new friends. If you had asked me whether I wanted to move I would have said absolutely not. Looking back as an adult, being taken out of my comfort zone and forced to make a whole new set of friends and being given the opportunity to experience different places was fantastic for me.
That's not to say that there weren't some tears along the way...
[+] [-] jakejake|12 years ago|reply
I probably would only move at this point if I felt like it was essential in order to seize a really important opportunity. I'm not really tied to my current location for any sentimental reason, but it would just be inconvenient to be too far from family.
[+] [-] scrabble|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] dylanz|12 years ago|reply
I ended up north of you by just a tad bit, in Takaka. It was a long and winding 90 minute drive to get to Nelson, but it definitely felt like the "big city" compared to Golden Bay.
When people ask me how my 3 years in New Zealand were, it's hard for me to answer. A part of me was working hard, so I spent most of my hours behind my desk, at home, looking at the paddocks across the street. You could have probably put a backdrop behind that window and it would have felt like a beach in Fiji, or downtown Munich, etc. When I wasn't behind my desk however, it was a big realization that I was far away from home. After traveling to Europe for conferences a lot, you begin to realize that you are IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE (or somewhere). It is very far from everything else. A 90 minute drive to Nelson, a flight to Auckland, a 14 hour flight to LAX, then a 12 hour flight to Heathrow. Yikes. When I'd get back to my little house in Takaka however... it felt like home. Small towns, beautiful scenery, great people. My only downfall was that I actually ended up yearning for a market like Whole Foods. I was used to having a HUGE selection of everything to fill my taste buds, and that's hard to come by unless you are in some of the larger cities there. Get ready for a lot of fish and chips, and beetroot on hamburgers. I bet you $100 you're going to miss your asian cuisine... badly.
That said, here is a list of things that come to mind:
- Go to the Mussel Inn near Onekaka in the evening. Enjoy their beer, food, and chat with the owner Andrew who has great stories (he's the tall guy that looks like Bob Dylan).
- Meet up with Galen King in Nelson. He's a good friend, a smart technologist, and a great person.
- Go to Collingwood and hit up the chocolatier there, Rosie Glows.
- Walk around Te Waikoropupū springs and be amazed.
I wouldn't trade the experience for anything (my second kid was even born there!). Enjoy New Zealand, and make sure to check out Australia while you're down there too. You're close as you're ever going to be =)
Noho ora mai rā, nā!
[+] [-] jwilliams|12 years ago|reply
In NZ you need to play to the strengths. You'll get some of the best seafood and wine in the world. Freshly caught fish, simply cooked, with a bottle of South Island white wine. Glorious.
Also, the nature helps. A cup of tea and some smoked mussels. Usually mundane -- but, after you've just hiked up a mountain and you're sitting on a ridge. Delicious.
[+] [-] porges|12 years ago|reply
As an NZer, I have the opposite feeling than the original article at the moment. After visiting a few cities that have 4-5x the populatation of my whole country I'm itching to live somewhere with such a large base of people. I'll probably end up back here in the future but as an underpopulated island nation, the combination of low(er) wages and high relative living (esp. housing) expenses + expensive imported goods is not helping at the moment.
[+] [-] jcshep|12 years ago|reply
When I was younger, It was always my intention to work remotely in NZ. I never was able to pull it off, although I got close. I never gave up the dream though, and hearing stories like this keep me motivated.
[+] [-] throwaway3301|12 years ago|reply
What then? How can I shake this feeling? How can I restore the drive and motivation in myself that I never remember having in the first place? Is it even possible?
To follow Mr. Sivers's analogy: What if all my reasons have expired? Is that somewhere else... nowhere else? Should I be dead instead? That doesn't seem like a very practical path to follow, but yet living feels so draining that I don't know how much longer I can carry the weight of a life lived for nothing. It really is all for naught. At this point I feel like I am living this life because it is the life society wants for me: go to school, get a degree, get a job, get married, have kids, grow old, die. That sounds horrible to me and yet I feel so stuck in this formula. I feel so abnormal because I can't feel satisfied or fulfilled with this "normal" version of life. And I can't tell anyone these things because they will reject me, saying I should just enjoy this or that, or telling me that I should be grateful for what I have. Their words (and this article) don't change anything. I know that the change must first come from within, but I don't know where to start.
[+] [-] oscargrouch|12 years ago|reply
The thing is.. more and more people will be like you, like me.. because all those things we build.. this new world we are trying to create (or at least to manage), make us smarter..
What works for me: Try to to the things you like the most in the world, even if people dont like it; be sincere to yourself always.. be true to your inner essence..
Than these little things will grow, make your life more valuable to you..
Take the skeletons out of your closet: assume and be the guy/girl you always wanted to be, dont care about the others; just go for it..
Your spiritual side is important: try to make a connection to whatever you feel the divine is... in waht do you believe.. this helps you, or its in your way to get more hapinness? Its good to find a gravitational point that is not our own ego, speacilly for people that are not selfish and narcisistic
Look: You are normal and probably more sane the most of the people.. they "the average" are the lunatics.. dont be ashamed of it, or think you are the wrong one, because you are different..
This is from a guy who use to believe in that and lost some years and some light, to believe that "the average" were right in some way.. and are turning back to what he really believes.. a path on its own.. there is no door ready for your life.. people above average make their own destiny by being themselves and make what they believe in.. its hard.. and we must be brave.. because it means to be aside of everything and marginalized for a while..
but that is what everybody needs.. even the average.. they need people to believe in, people who make take different routes and paths, and even make theirs lifes more valuable; i hope you are one of those..
I hope this help you somehow
[+] [-] franl|12 years ago|reply
My point is you can start by asking yourself different questions. I noticed that your questions centered on potential negative outcomes. Try flipping that around. "What if it was OK for me to feel this way right now?" "What if I don't need to change anything within myself right now?"
Better yet, take a break from asking questions for a bit. Take a few long, deep breaths instead. I have trouble remembering this sometimes, but life goes by one moment at a time. We don't have to live it all in one breath. We don't need to bear the burden of the next 60 years of possibility in the next 60 seconds of life. Take it a step at a time.
Try to not fight the feelings you're having. It's a battle you can't win. Accept them, let them be. The more you fight them, the more they'll consume you.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. You're only human. You'll never have all of the answers.
Finally, take everything I suggested with a grain of salt. I don't know your exact situation. I'm not a professional. I only know what's helped me get through tough times. Hopefully some of it can be helpful for you too.
I second the comment re: depression. If you've never spoken to a professional about these feelings, why not give it a chance? If you have, and it didn't work, why not try someone else? If you can only do one thing, speak to a pro.
I'm happy to share my own experiences/challenges with you if it helps. If you want, email me the things you're afraid to tell others about for fear of being rejected. It's my username at my username dot com. There's always someone willing to listen with an open mind, despite what you might think. Even if it's just some random stranger from the internet :)
[+] [-] voltagex_|12 years ago|reply
If nothing else helps, what you're describing sounds like (IMO) some kind of depression. In that case, get professional help - seriously.
[+] [-] brianshaler|12 years ago|reply
Also, watch this: http://vimeo.com/68855377
Maybe it's as simple as choosing to think differently. Try to catch yourself dwelling on negativity and use it as an opportunity to be creative and think of positive perspectives. Don't try to be positive—just contemplating positive scenarios is generally enough to shift your frame of reference.
[+] [-] dmfdmf|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] derivagral|12 years ago|reply
If you aren't so much into that (or even if you are) professional help is not a bad thing.
[+] [-] omarchowdhury|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] alexdong|12 years ago|reply
What I found very interesting is that your decisions are driven not by where to move TO, but what you're moving away FROM. Your trip to Oregon, then to Singapore and now NZ seems to follow the similar route. From a vastly different culture and super-densely-populated .sg to the extreme remote and lonesome place like .nz.
I feel that's probably not the best way to go for it. Instead of trial-and-error, how about a search algorithm? Instead of "Why am I here", why not ask "Where do I WANT to be?".
Here was the list of criteria me and my wife came up when we were drifting around for a year to look for a city to settle down.
Crucial: 1) Small country with around 5M population. Coming from China, I feel lots of the problems of modern society & politics is there because of the large degree of separation. 2) Walkabout city. We love walking. I want to make sure the walk from home to office takes no more than 30 minutes. 3) Close to nature. Tramping is our main hobby. We want to start walking in the wild with less than 1 hour drive. (Reality is the closest one is 5 minutes walk from home but that's a bonus.) 4) With a high quality university. This gives us the continuous flow of different ideas even the city is small. 5) Price is moderate. We want to have the leisure time to spend with our families and work on our hobbies. Affordable housing and reasonable prices give us the lifestyle we want without having to work our butts off.
Ok to give up: 1) Museums, galleries and fine restaurants. Even when we were living in Seattle or Boston, we spend more time on solitude activities like walking and reading. So cultural stuffs are great but we won't die if we don't have them. 2) Varieties of products/shops. We don't buy a lot of stuff and when we do, we buy ones that last very very long but not particularly in-the-fashion. So don't have much choices is not a big problem for us. 3) Weather. I love San Diego's weather. Never too cold. Never too hot. But if it's a city that rains a lot and doesn't have a proper hot summary, we're fine with that.
We visited and stayed in more than 40 cities during that year. Some we stayed 2 months, others a few days. When we started the trip, we have never heard of Dunedin. But those criteria helped us to quickly sift through the options and lead us to this unusual decision.
Three years later, we still feel grateful that we made that choice. Life is good here.
A warm welcome from Dunedin, New Zealand.
[+] [-] akg_67|12 years ago|reply
I think the question not only applies to a country or city but also the place you work, place you live, or any activity you do.
[+] [-] bsirkia|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sivers|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] loomio|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] brianwillis|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sivers|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] allochthon|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] teleclimber|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] brianshaler|12 years ago|reply
YMMV and I may be a workaholic.
[+] [-] lmm|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] brianbreslin|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] excid3|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tmault|12 years ago|reply
If the whole planet was a little more conscious - and able - to sort themselves into a fitting situation, the ‘system’ as a whole would churn out awesome results.
[+] [-] TheSOB888|12 years ago|reply
Why am I in the US? Because I was born here.
(But people are friendlier in other countries, and life is less stressful.)
But I don't have the resources to just fly away.
(...Oh. Right.)
[+] [-] lutorm|12 years ago|reply
The internet, though...
[+] [-] decentrality|12 years ago|reply
[+] [-] adamzerner|12 years ago|reply
It may have seemed pretty trivial, but I think it was brilliant.
[+] [-] pjdorrell|12 years ago|reply