Here's my thoughts, as someone who's naturally shy, socially awkward (or maybe just plain weird), and loaded with anxiety issues.
Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations personal questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here? A lot of people don't realize I have crippling social anxiety, simply because I have mastered the art of small talk.
Practice being uncomfortable. I'm assuming you've got a healthy dose of social anxiety, like most introverts. Wear opinionated tee-shirts that make you feel judged. Try going to random meetup groups, not to meet people but just to practice feeling awkward, silly, and watched. Try the juggling and unicycle unicycle meetups, and spend an hour falling off a loaner unicycle in front of everybody. Practice making smalltalk. How long have you been doing this? How long does it take to learn how? How many balls can you juggle? What's the most impressive feat you've seen performed on a unicycle?
Establish a routine. Proximity is important; you can't make friends if you're never in the same place twice. Go sit in a coffee shop and read the paper every morning, go for a run at the same time every week or day. Find a couple of meetup groups and attend them regularly.
Online friends can be real friends. Even if you never meet them, if they care about you and vice versa, an online friend counts. Making your online friends in-person friends is also pretty awesome. I made several good friends online, and now about half of us live in the same city (most of us live in two cities). We hang out from time to time, play board games, see movies. Most of us have worked together at one point or another.
Be a friend to yourself. Not in a sappy, metaphorical way, but in a game-theoretical way. One of the mistakes I made for the longest period of time was that I waited for other people to make the first move. If someone didn't regularly go out of their way to interact with me -- come over and talk to me, invite me to do things -- I assumed they didn't want to and didn't go over and talk to them or invite them places.
This was a terrible strategy: if I met myself, I would never become friends with myself because neither of me would make the first move. Fortunately, I encountered enough forward people that I still ended up meeting some folks, but there are a lot of people I could have been friends with but am not, just because both of us were too shy.
So make the first move. Talk to someone a couple of times, and if it seems appropriate see if they want to grab a burger or see the new Hobbit movie at midnight when it first comes out. And then don't be pushy; if you make a couple of advances and they don't reciprocate, back off. Be polite and friendly, say hi in the elevators, and make small talk if they seem to like small talk. Not everyone is meant to be friends with everyone else.
Completely agree with this, especially asking people questions. A few other points on that:
-The questions should be genuine, so that you deliver correctly and learn something
-The questions should mostly not be yes/no answers so the conversation doesn't die
-Make a game of it after you ask a question to see if you can keep it going for another 30 seconds. Example: you ask the grocery store clerk how to find a good cantaloupe, he/she shows them to you and shows you how to tell, you say "the last few times I picked terrible ones", then you ask when they're in season...etc
Other ideas:
-Older people tend to be nicer and more accommodating and less rushed. It could be worth trying to talk to older people who are less intimidating if they're not in your peer group, and working your way down in age as you build confidence
-Do you even remotely like any sports? Can you handle a beer or two? Find a classy bar that's not too crowded that plays sports games. Sit at the bar and watch and slowly drink your beers. Ideally not many people are there and you can comment on the game with the bartender or another person sitting next to you. Can be any sport tennis, golf, soccer, whatever
Some great advice! Getting into a routine of going to the same place seems like a real winner to me.
Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can pontificate about the off-side rule, or go back to talking about the weather.
If you're in London, you can often substitute complaining about public transport for the weather or football.
> Ask people in social situations personal questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here?
Great questions, except for the first one. It can be a way more personal thing to ask about than you might expect from such a simple (but very open) question. I personally dislike when people ask me that, because it makes me feel judged. I don't always want to talk about "what it is that I do".
Instead, try to find out about it in a more roundabout way, asking sideways questions (which lead to the most interesting side-topics anyhow), so people can decide to volunteer sharing what they are passionate about.
Sounds like great advice. Practice talking to strangers in low risk ways that are easy for others to respond to.
Also, true about proximity. You can form friendships with people just by going to a coffee shop on a regular basis and just being helpful when called upon. People ask you to watch their stuff for a moment if they've seen you there many times.
These are some great ideas. For me the proximity part is key. I feel uncomfortable at a new job for a couple of months, but after enough awkward small talk I've gotten to know everyone well. Working in software you are bound to have similar interests with your co-workers.
Get in the practice of getting in debt to other people (not necessarily monetary). Asking for favors, or help. If you read Debt: The Last 5000 years, debts are the glue that held society together for milennia. It sounds like you have done a lot of work making yourself independent. But if you want to be social and have friends, you have to do exactly the opposite, and find a way to become dependent (or at least create the illusion of being dependent, if you're really sneaky).
If you get into debt with someone, then there is psychological pressure to be friends because that ensures that you'll be able to repay the debt. So I would say: Practice asking for (and accepting) help (not too much, to the point of being a nuisance, of course). And whoever you ask help for will more likely find a way to include you in friendship circles.
From my experience, indebting other people to you works really well too. However, you must not expect anything in return when doing the favour, and act gracious even if they don't return it.
A few thoughts coming from a guy who used to be a shy introvert.
- Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having?
- People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (because as we said above, you care about them!). The more you get someone to talk about themselves, the more they'll usually end up liking you.
- Help people. It might be an old lady across the street. It could be a co-worker. Or, the person moving into your apartment building. When you can, help people (again, because you care about them :))
- Notice a trend here? I'll repeat it again. You are doing things because you care about others. The best way to stop being an introvert is to get out of your own head, and get into the head of others.
- Lastly, you'll be uncomfortable a lot. Some conversations will fizzle out. Some people might think you are weird. You might be out at a bar and have no idea who to talk to, or how to start talking to someone. Spend time being uncomfortable. Learn to deal with it. Sooner or later, you'll make small bits of progress. When you do, repeat what you did to make that bit of progress.
Are you necessarily an introvert, or do you find it difficult to interact with people because of language/cultural barriers? I say this because extreme introverts enjoy being alone. I used to think I leaned toward introversion, but gradually between high school and college I realized that I enjoyed having a big circle of friends--what I didn't enjoy was the social context of school. I'm a drinks in a nice lounge kinda guy, and the social scene in college was more house parties, tail gates, and/or video game tournaments. One of the nice things about post-graduation is that you have a range of social settings to choose from.
My advice would be to stop thinking of yourself as an "introvert" and understand that you're probably somewhere in the middle, like most people. Figure out what kind of social context you like and gravitate to that. Don't assume because you're an "asian engineer" that the best fit for you is that stereotypical social context. I'm a first generation immigrant, went to math/science high school, went to engineering school, but half my friends are public interest lawyers. I gravitate to that personality type. Your words suggest that you put yourself in a box, but that doesn't have to be the case.
Also, don't assume you're "awkward." Maybe you are, but here's a secret: a lot of the people you think of as "socially normal" simply have a head start by virtue of having grown up in this culture. There's a lot of forced childhood socialization that immigrants miss out on: church, block parties, etc. My wife used to go to cornfield parties as a kid in Iowa. That kind of low-key, parentally-supervised, non-threatening socialization helps build basic skills, but its something immigrant kids often miss out on because their families don't feel comfortable participating in the community.
I agree with all of that except going into debt... When I can help it. (I can see having a car helping a social life though.) When I have a buffer of cash and food I feel more free and feel better about myself. When I'm happy with myself, others like me more too... but then I also start to care less of what most others think.
Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for some.
Here is a lesson I've learned the long, hard way after 30 years of being a strong introvert: it's not how or where you meet people that counts. It's how you stay in touch.
Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead of you in line at the supermarket. You could ask your coworkers to hang out, or join them for lunch. You could go to meetup groups, or meet people online and transition to real-world encounters. Point is, "How do I meet people?" is the most commonly asked question -- and it's usually the wrong one.
If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.
I hate making plans. But once I'm in mid-plan with a friend or two, I have a great time. And yet, somehow I never seem to put two and two together. I tend to decline or avoid a lot of social plans. I'm sabotaging my own friendships when I do that. Friendships are like pets; they need to be fed, walked, and watered. Some of your friends will be super outgoing, and they'll do most of the work for you. But some of your friends won't; they'll be the passive party and expect you to make the plans. And either type of friend will occasionally, if not often, expect you to make the plans. That's what happens in a mutual friendship.
So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people, or is it about staying engaged with people? If it's about meeting people (shyness), there is plenty of good advice on this thread about how to do it. If it's about spending time with people (introversion), that's going to require some regular, concerted effort to battle against your own inclinations. Sort of like battling the urge to procrastinate. You'll have to battle the urge to self-isolate. You'll want to focus less on the initial "ugh" factor in making or anticipating plans, and more on the fun you'll be having when you're hanging out.
Friendships don't just click into place on the first interaction between two or more people. They depend on proximity and frequency. They take time to develop, and once they've developed, they need to be maintained. They are conditional, and you need to live up to whatever the conditions may be in any given relationship. You're not going to ask a coworker to lunch and become friends at the end of that meal. You're going to ask that same coworker to lunch a second time, and eventually a third. And maybe you'll be friends at the end of the fourth meal.
ABSOLUTELY. I used to be an introvert white guy with no friends.
I see two ways of meeting people, with 1 rule required:
The Rule: Always say the first opinion that comes to your mind. Do not be afraid to say what you really feel, and have an intelligent discussion about it later, in which you can admit you were ignorant and change your opinion. Opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one, and they're mostly irrelevant. Great friendships can be forged between people with totally opposite opinions. You will be genuine as long as you speak your mind.
Corollary: Take what you were just imagining in that public social situation, grab your balls, and do it. Reality either smacks you in the face and you have to handle an unknown situation, or all of a sudden it's serendipity. (P.S. This works exactly the same way on dates, too.)
Meet people:
1. Use workmates or the internet to meet people (meetup.com/okcupid/tinder/etc.) - it's a good crutch to transitioning to real life approaching strangers, without any risk of blushing or doing something else embarrassing. You'll later find out, even in "structured" situations you'll do embarassing things anyway, so maybe you should skip to #2:
2. Walk up to those groups (assuming it's a safe environment), interrupt and introduce yourself. Speak your English wrong, don't let the people get to you, just keep pushing your level so you always say exactly what you mean, in a direct and efficient way (because English works like this). Your purpose is to develop your language/social skills, not impress them. Feel free to be transparent with them, and explain why you're talking to them - who knows what they'll do!
You see the above text? That is how I taught myself fluent spoken Chinese on the streets of China starting with _zero_ Chinese. The strategy completely works, but it's not easy. The biggest benefit of it, however, is every time I get outside my comfort zone I can _handle it_.
Now you get two life skills for the price of one. Good luck.
The first advice works because by being candid and genuine, you are willing to make yourself vulnerable, and it means implicitly that you the trust the person you are talking to. And it will be easier for the other person to open up as well.
It also works in professional settings. It is better to work with people who are willing to say upfront "I don't know", rather than keeping quiet and ending up doing a bad job, because they were afraid to look weak.
So if you want someone to confide something, tell them one of your secret first. (But do not plan it in a Machiavellian way or it will surely backfire, the key is to stay genuine and really care at all time.)
Surprised at all the focus on introversion in the comments. I'm 26 too and have always been social and extroverted - I can totally relate to this post.
These are near-universal struggles. Most people wish they could make more friends with shared interests, even those with a great friend group. (Most friendships are circumstantial and the individuals don't have much more in common than two random people from similar backgrounds.) Most people without families also get lonely on the weekends. Lately I've been trying to get healthy and avoid drinking and it's remarkable how much that's stalled my social and dating lives.
I had a different reaction: that this is an untapped opportunity for potential founders. Meetup is great in theory but for some reason isn't good at friendships. I don't get why in 2014 there is such a discrepancy between % of relationships and % of friendships sourced online. There must be a better way for the internet to introduce people with shared goals and convert them to real-life friends, without sex involved. Also consider how much friction this adds to relocation - how many people avoid moving because "all my friends are here". That's implying that it would be hard to make similar friends in a new city.
I hope the HN crowd starts to see this as a problem that needs solving. Personally, I've always thought that social apps were boring and superfluous - that I wanted to work on "hard" problems instead - but starting to question this assumption.
I really like this comment since it really hits at what technical people could potentially do to address the difficulty of meeting new friends. Like you, I've always kinda looked at the social apps as stupid/flooded/artificial.
Reading this thread though really emphasizes to me that there is huge demand for an easy "friend finder". I'm now thoroughly convinced this is a space just waiting to be occupied.
Have you tried online gaming?
No it doesn't solve the fact that you'll be sat alone still. But from past experience, personally online gaming being a huge hobby of mine I often like to meet people from other countries in-games such as counterstrike and World of Warcraft or DayZ. We speak a little through game chat (Mic, if they're enabled). If I enjoy playing with them I get them to hop on to Teamspeak or skype with my little community and go from there.
A lot of the time I meet people who don't speak English that well and explain it's not a huge problem. They often just speak about game related things and don't really go any deeper in to anything more personal. Until 2-3 months down the line and it's easy to notice how much they've come out of their shell. Throwing banter around and asking how works going or other personal things and they seem 10x more comfortable speaking in front of me and my English friends (and new people I get to join the teamspeak). It's not something you have to dedicate a lot of time to, can be very casual.
I don't usually post on here but I felt this could be very beneficial as I've seen it work countless times. I've got a lot of these people on my facebook, twitter and snapchat during the day. Even been to lans in Sweden ETC and met up with a couple.
*Edit: I'm 23, and speak to my 'online friends' 2-3 hours a night, and go out on a weekend with a different social group on the weekend. Played games since I was 11 and had 2 'serious' relationships lasting around 2 years each. - If you was interested.
Hey, +1000 for online gaming. I'm an moderate introvert with some greats friends. Nowadays I play a lot a certain MMO. I met some greats & awesome people, even had some meetup IRL.
I've met people working at Apple, Blizzard & more. We shared passion & experience, it got me some business opportunity too. The world is so small it's amazing.
I lived in the bay area for a few years just after college. I moved there alone without knowing any friends in the area.
I'm white, american, fluent, and witty enough that I can regularly make my friends laugh. But even despite those advantages, I felt a strong sense of recognition reading this post - I felt exactly the same way about my ability to connect with people, and about the weekends.
I think there's a structural problem with the bay area in that sense. Making friends at work is tough because everyone lives at least 20 minutes away, probably much further. The geography means everyone is really spread out. Most of the peninsula doesn't have natural hang-out areas. And the general professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone is friendly enough to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next thing.
I honestly don't have a lot of suggestions to give, other than to say that the problem might not be YOU. You might have to move somewhere where there is a better natural support network, and there really are such places. I moved northwest and ended up feeling like everyone was an order of magnitude friendlier and more open.
Barring that, I'd focus on doing things like joining a church where there is a cultural fit - even if you aren't religious - or trying your hardest to find local meetups where the emphasis is more on a common interest than on meeting other people - in that environment, you can rely on the common interest to talk to people, and slowly turn it into a personal relationship over time.
Overall I just wanted to say I really feel for you - that doesn't sound fun and it's easy to tell from your writing that you're a good person and would have a lot to offer in terms of friendship (or relationship).
Since you said you have NO friends to spend time with on weekends, and language is one of the (or the biggest) barrier(s), why don't you start with making some friends who speak the same language as you do? I'm sure those friends would further have friends who'd speak different languages. It's awkward to go to some stranger and say you want to initiate friendship, but when people introduce you to others, it's a lot smoother and normal. Slowly, you might have people of multiple nationalities and languages in your group, and you'd be comfortable with all of them. Good luck!
I'm not an introvert, but I'm shy. That's even worse, because I WANT to hang out with people but I'm desperately afraid of meeting new people. Anyways, go find an event that sparks your interest where you will meet people. Or, just force yourself to do something. Social dancing did it for me, for example. I know indoor rock climbing has worked for other people (if you don't have a partner you sign up on a list of solos looking for a partner).
I would venture to say that if you truly are an introvert (being social saps your energy) then you should consider social dancing or rock climbing, because for a few minutes at a time your attention is focused on just one person and you can for the most part shut off everyone else, unlike being in say a generic 'common interest' meetup.
But anyways you have to actually put effort into it. Unlike the olden days, where everyone in town knew what was up, and dragged other people around, or college, which professionalizes the student's entitlement to experiences, you are rarely going to be handed social activities on a platter.
If someone invites you to spend time with them in a group, make a mental note of it, and if you're counting too many examples where you're saying no, think hard about saying yes the next time.
Also, yes, it is harder being an Asian. I know this from personal experience. But there is nothing you can do about that, so forget about it.
1) I'm fairly introverted, and I've been successful finding new friends when I've found interest-based clubs/groups; for me this would be gaming or making-things groups; it could also be a local sports league, tech meetup, or book club or something. These are great ways to meet people. With a little bit of luck you'll meet cool people with similar interests in no time.
2) You seem far too nervous about your accent. I have worked and developed friendships with a few people with really strong accents, and have always found that people are willing to work through it as long as you are. I really doubt people mind yours; you just have to laugh off miscommunications and keep smiling.
3) Most people are really friendly most of the time if you engage them in a positive way and are simply pleasant to be around. I strongly suggest that when you meet some people you like at one of the aforementioned interest-based clubs, you simply be honest with them and tell them straight up that you're trying to make more friends in the area. You aren't going to get laughed at; most people have been there and will be totally sympathetic and will invite you along to something. In the case that someone seems mean, they're probably an asshole anyway. Just make sure you smile and are pleasant to be around and people will be friendly back to you.
Overall, it sounds to me like you're stuck in a sort of negative-self-image-feedback-loop. Stay positive and smile a lot and I promise people will like you.
As another introverted guy find an introvert compatible sport. Sport doesn't just mean competitive league team ball games. I like hiking. Its dangerous to hike alone. There are innumerable hiking clubs where you can meet people, or if you're not in the mood to talk they'll at least make sure if you break your leg you won't be left to die, plus you'll get some excellent exercise.
Asian is waaaaaay too vague but I did take a semester of Japanese for the heck of it perhaps a decade ago, and the OP did ask to meet ladies, and the class was about 50% women who would fight over the opportunity to "study" with a native speaker. So lets go to the coffee shop after class and discuss the homework further, etc. So find the local higher ed school and ask the teacher if they'd like the help of a native speaker, even if all you do during class is sip a soda I'm sure you'll get all the attention you can tolerate both before and after class. Stay on the teachers good side by never interrupting or correcting them unless prompted (their class, not yours). Aside from language, an ethnic cooking class might like your help.
OP may think being foreigner means Americans won't care, but I found it totally fascinating talking to a Korean coworker for endless hours. You need a collection of conversation starters "well, in Korea we have vending machines that contain beer" or "ah well a twelve hour flight back home next summer" or "let me tell you about real korean bbq" or whatever.
Making friends is incredibly difficult once one is an adult, so I won't offer advice on that. But you mention that your English is not at conversational level. Therefore any attempt to make friends will be doomed before you evrn start. You need to take English classes.
This is your chance. The best way to meet friends as an adult is to have a common activity. Learning English is an excellent way for you to meet other people also interested in learning English. Jump online and find English learning groups, English classes, etc. You should also look for meetups for people of your native language so you can go to them as well. The next step is go to the meetings even if they suck, even if you feel lonely and bored. The best way to meet people is to get out there, you don't meet anyone in your house. If you have an interest in a sport that's a great way too, however I would say the more unusual the sport the better. With common sports like Basketball or Soccer people often join in groups and it's harder to make new friends. Something like Fencing or Archery would probably be better. I went through the same thing in a different country, I made my few friends through board games, d&d, and fencing.
Wrong language. Not English. Help out a class for your native language. Tutor before/after class anyone who wants to talk in your native language. If the conversation tends toward "lets go get coffee / tea / movie / bar whatever after class" well, that's what happens. "I've got a great idea, how about I take you to dinner and you try to teach me as much English as I'm teaching you?" or if bunch of guys, "Oh you're watching football together on Sunday afternoon, could I come over to work on my English, I'll bring some beer?"
Also if you are asian and start talking in perfect English like George Takei they're going to assume you're perfectly extroverted and an expert on American social cultural norms and behaviors, oh good how nice and stressful if you're introverted. But if you're just good enough to communicate most of the time while clearly putting in some kind of effort, they'll cut you a huge amount of slack, regardless if the actual problem is you're all introverted anxious exhausted. He's not terrified to be talking to a pretty girl, he's just having English troubles, no problem.
Language isn't as important as you'd think. I've made friends with a Russian guy playing Counter-Strike, and neither of us speak each other's language. We've had a lot of fun insulting each other using Google Translate, and we just enjoy playing with each other.
Having conversations with people is a great way to learn, and also make friends. People love an accent and odd phrasing. Just keep talking to people.
Do some group sports. Yoga, dancing, skateboarding, table tennis, whatever. Go to clubs, or bars where people talk. Introduce yourself to people. Eventually, when you keep going back you'll make some friends.
Are you into music or art? Why not go and see some shows? Or take a life drawing class or some such. Maybe start collecting records, or join a photography group.
Don't talk about your job with people. There is nothing people find more boring.
The TLDR on that site (and his book) is basically conversational practise (anywhere you can get it) is much much more important than lessons, which are too different from how our brains are designed to learn languages (which is by usage, not grammar rules.) I would say that this is especially true for someone who can already write as the OP can, but just has trouble with confidence in talking to people in person.
The key lesson for OP from FI3M, is that people are very infrequently angry with you for speaking their language wrong. English speakers may have more of a sense of entitlement than speakers of other languages (dominant culture, etc) but in general people will do their best to communicate, however slowly (assuming you catch them in a situation where they have time.) A good way to do this is meeting someone for coffee explicitly to practise English. Either they can learn your language in return, or you buy them the coffee, obviously! :)
(edit: situations where you can do this! You could always "buy an English lesson" from someone, I suppose. You could also arrange to meet someone you met at an English class on a different evening, in order to practise together, especially if your only common language is English.)
Even for non-introvert people, it may be difficult to make friends when moving to a different country.
When I was living in the US, it was quite hard for me to make american friends. Probably because of the language barrier, and also because the "natives" don't feel the urge to make new friends as they have groups of friends already.
On the other hand, it was much easier to bond with other foreigners, especially people from my country or with similar culture. At least as a starting point, I think your best bet would be to find other asians who you could relate to.
Besides that, just taking place in various activities will eventually help you to make friend (but it can take time). But not all activities are equal for that matter so you may need to try a few ones. For instance, I was in a swimming club where people barely talk to each other. And in a boxing class where I made a bunch of diverse friends.
As for meeting women, online dating is the way to go I suppose. Living in New York, i was very surprised how easy it was. Actually, I found it much easier to find girlfriends than friends.
Also introvert Asian engineer here, quite a bit older, and it sounds like we have different backgrounds. The good part is that you've identified what you don't want. The trickier part is finding solutions.
1. Do stuff alone? - simple as doing suggesting or asking to do things with others. Don't have a roommate? Move and get a roommate. Interview them before moving in. When I was 26, I was tired of being alone also, so I found a roommate. It didn't work perfectly, but it helped me learn how to live with someone else.
2. English - to work on pronunciation, record yourself and listen to it. Practice all the time, listen, and adjust. To work on phrases and vocabulary, don't be afraid to ask people to explain it to you. Tell them you never heard of the phrase growing up. It may spark a conversation and will help with talking to people in general.
Like startups, there will be rejection and the fear of rejection. Look at your successes and failures objectively and correct accordingly. Engineer your life =D
1) Rock climbing gyms. I made a lot of great friends at Mission Cliffs and Berkeley Ironworks. I have no natural talent for climbing, but I love the mental and physical challenge, and I enjoy the social aspect.
2) A super-social connector. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I made a ton of new connections through the marketing woman at my startup. Simply by saying 'yes' to invitations and actually following through, I found my social network increasing.
3) Meetup.com and various activity groups. When I was in Tokyo, I found Tokyo Gaijins to be a great resource for meeting people. Like food? Take a cooking class.
By the way, living on the Peninsula without a car is social suicide. Move to SF, that's where all the cool kids are. Also -- potentially controversially -- SF is the home of Asian women dating dorky white guys. If you want to meet a nice girl, do what my (Asian) friend did and move to Vancouver, B.C. He went from perpetually single to dating in a few months, and got married last year.
The Bay Area has a strong "rationalist" community (lesswrong.com, CFAR, MIRI, etc.) which has tons of people like you. They have meetups all the time and are generally welcoming, I've had a lot of fun hanging out with them. You don't have to buy into the ideas, and you'll get to meet some interesting characters, to say the least.
I have moved over the last 15 years from Germany to Hawaii to California to Tokyo and now to Singapore.
If you want to meet people you need to get out. Join activities. In Japan I was cooking for the homeless (http://www.foodbank.asia/our-program), in California I was studying Muay Thai at Stanford, in Singapore I am playing In Shadows. There is always something to do you can enjoy. And yes, when I originally moved I was introvert and awkward, too.
Get used to loneliness. I figured it the hard way, the more you try to get out the numbing pain of loneliness by trying to make friends, the more people do not want to make friends with you. Do your stuff, take music classes, listen to good music, become awesome at the thing you're already good at through practice and more importantly stop trying hard to make friends. Then you have a greater probability that you'll make some good friends.
This is actually an incredibly good point; although counterintuitive. However, OP, you should focus on your advantages and why they make you fucking awesome. At this point, I am not sure if you are being a friend to yourself. It is possible that your ethnicity, your accent/lack of it, your assets are hindering you from making friends with some people. However, this is a planet of six billion people. Find out what makes you truly happy and make peace with yourself. Seek out things that make you happy. At that point, you will attract people around you who truly enjoy your company. Be patient. Superficial relationships are easy. Making really good friends/strong relationships is incredibly hard. For everyone.
The best advice I can give you is find a dance studio and take a beginner Latin/swing/ballroom class. Make sure to find the super-beginner variety, it will help to know that everyone is basically in the same place as you. It is a social setting and everyone is there for basically one thing, to dance! Approaching strangers and asking them to dance is not only not awkward in this context, it is absolutely encouraged. It has the added benefit of you collecting a skill that most men do not possess, the ability to dance. All women love to dance, so you will instantly become attractive, regardless of whether you are physically handsome or can speak English, you will immediately climb the attraction ladder.
I was going to say the same exact thing. Take a dance class, then start going to some social dances in the bay area, then meet up for drinks with people afterwards, and then, bam you have a group of friends. Especially in the bay area, there is a very strong dance community.
[+] [-] saalweachter|11 years ago|reply
Start small. Don't try to make friends at first, just practice interacting with people. Ask totally random people questions you can Google. Is the 6 train running on time today? Is this the way to Market Street? Do you know a good coffee shop around here? Ask people in social situations personal questions that aren't too personal. So what do you do? How long have you worked here / gone to school here / known Jim / lived here? A lot of people don't realize I have crippling social anxiety, simply because I have mastered the art of small talk.
Practice being uncomfortable. I'm assuming you've got a healthy dose of social anxiety, like most introverts. Wear opinionated tee-shirts that make you feel judged. Try going to random meetup groups, not to meet people but just to practice feeling awkward, silly, and watched. Try the juggling and unicycle unicycle meetups, and spend an hour falling off a loaner unicycle in front of everybody. Practice making smalltalk. How long have you been doing this? How long does it take to learn how? How many balls can you juggle? What's the most impressive feat you've seen performed on a unicycle?
Establish a routine. Proximity is important; you can't make friends if you're never in the same place twice. Go sit in a coffee shop and read the paper every morning, go for a run at the same time every week or day. Find a couple of meetup groups and attend them regularly.
Online friends can be real friends. Even if you never meet them, if they care about you and vice versa, an online friend counts. Making your online friends in-person friends is also pretty awesome. I made several good friends online, and now about half of us live in the same city (most of us live in two cities). We hang out from time to time, play board games, see movies. Most of us have worked together at one point or another.
[+] [-] saalweachter|11 years ago|reply
Be a friend to yourself. Not in a sappy, metaphorical way, but in a game-theoretical way. One of the mistakes I made for the longest period of time was that I waited for other people to make the first move. If someone didn't regularly go out of their way to interact with me -- come over and talk to me, invite me to do things -- I assumed they didn't want to and didn't go over and talk to them or invite them places.
This was a terrible strategy: if I met myself, I would never become friends with myself because neither of me would make the first move. Fortunately, I encountered enough forward people that I still ended up meeting some folks, but there are a lot of people I could have been friends with but am not, just because both of us were too shy.
So make the first move. Talk to someone a couple of times, and if it seems appropriate see if they want to grab a burger or see the new Hobbit movie at midnight when it first comes out. And then don't be pushy; if you make a couple of advances and they don't reciprocate, back off. Be polite and friendly, say hi in the elevators, and make small talk if they seem to like small talk. Not everyone is meant to be friends with everyone else.
[+] [-] josephjrobison|11 years ago|reply
-The questions should be genuine, so that you deliver correctly and learn something
-The questions should mostly not be yes/no answers so the conversation doesn't die
-Make a game of it after you ask a question to see if you can keep it going for another 30 seconds. Example: you ask the grocery store clerk how to find a good cantaloupe, he/she shows them to you and shows you how to tell, you say "the last few times I picked terrible ones", then you ask when they're in season...etc
Other ideas:
-Older people tend to be nicer and more accommodating and less rushed. It could be worth trying to talk to older people who are less intimidating if they're not in your peer group, and working your way down in age as you build confidence
-Do you even remotely like any sports? Can you handle a beer or two? Find a classy bar that's not too crowded that plays sports games. Sit at the bar and watch and slowly drink your beers. Ideally not many people are there and you can comment on the game with the bartender or another person sitting next to you. Can be any sport tennis, golf, soccer, whatever
[+] [-] bshimmin|11 years ago|reply
Mastering small talk in England is incredibly easy. If the weather is inclement, talk about the weather. If the weather is clement, talk about the weather. If you get bored talking about the weather, talk about football (particularly apt right now). If you know nothing about football, either watch enough that you can pontificate about the off-side rule, or go back to talking about the weather.
If you're in London, you can often substitute complaining about public transport for the weather or football.
[+] [-] tripzilch|11 years ago|reply
Great questions, except for the first one. It can be a way more personal thing to ask about than you might expect from such a simple (but very open) question. I personally dislike when people ask me that, because it makes me feel judged. I don't always want to talk about "what it is that I do".
Instead, try to find out about it in a more roundabout way, asking sideways questions (which lead to the most interesting side-topics anyhow), so people can decide to volunteer sharing what they are passionate about.
[+] [-] stretchwithme|11 years ago|reply
Also, true about proximity. You can form friendships with people just by going to a coffee shop on a regular basis and just being helpful when called upon. People ask you to watch their stuff for a moment if they've seen you there many times.
[+] [-] vlunkr|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] dnautics|11 years ago|reply
Get in the practice of getting in debt to other people (not necessarily monetary). Asking for favors, or help. If you read Debt: The Last 5000 years, debts are the glue that held society together for milennia. It sounds like you have done a lot of work making yourself independent. But if you want to be social and have friends, you have to do exactly the opposite, and find a way to become dependent (or at least create the illusion of being dependent, if you're really sneaky).
If you get into debt with someone, then there is psychological pressure to be friends because that ensures that you'll be able to repay the debt. So I would say: Practice asking for (and accepting) help (not too much, to the point of being a nuisance, of course). And whoever you ask help for will more likely find a way to include you in friendship circles.
[+] [-] chaostheory|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] typon|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sn0wBuM|11 years ago|reply
I'd much rather have a friendship rooted in love/care than in manufactured debts. I wouldn't see the latter as much of a friendship.
[+] [-] avighnay|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sn0wBuM|11 years ago|reply
- Making friends involves truly connecting with people. Connecting with people means caring about them. The first step is to give a damn about everyone around you. How are they doing? What do they care about? What makes them tick? What problems might they be having?
- People love to talk about themselves. Ask them good questions, and actively listen (because as we said above, you care about them!). The more you get someone to talk about themselves, the more they'll usually end up liking you.
- Help people. It might be an old lady across the street. It could be a co-worker. Or, the person moving into your apartment building. When you can, help people (again, because you care about them :))
- Notice a trend here? I'll repeat it again. You are doing things because you care about others. The best way to stop being an introvert is to get out of your own head, and get into the head of others.
- Lastly, you'll be uncomfortable a lot. Some conversations will fizzle out. Some people might think you are weird. You might be out at a bar and have no idea who to talk to, or how to start talking to someone. Spend time being uncomfortable. Learn to deal with it. Sooner or later, you'll make small bits of progress. When you do, repeat what you did to make that bit of progress.
Hope this helps some!
[+] [-] rayiner|11 years ago|reply
My advice would be to stop thinking of yourself as an "introvert" and understand that you're probably somewhere in the middle, like most people. Figure out what kind of social context you like and gravitate to that. Don't assume because you're an "asian engineer" that the best fit for you is that stereotypical social context. I'm a first generation immigrant, went to math/science high school, went to engineering school, but half my friends are public interest lawyers. I gravitate to that personality type. Your words suggest that you put yourself in a box, but that doesn't have to be the case.
Also, don't assume you're "awkward." Maybe you are, but here's a secret: a lot of the people you think of as "socially normal" simply have a head start by virtue of having grown up in this culture. There's a lot of forced childhood socialization that immigrants miss out on: church, block parties, etc. My wife used to go to cornfield parties as a kid in Iowa. That kind of low-key, parentally-supervised, non-threatening socialization helps build basic skills, but its something immigrant kids often miss out on because their families don't feel comfortable participating in the community.
[+] [-] JTxt|11 years ago|reply
Edit: You edited out getting debt for a car? That may not be a bad idea for some.
[+] [-] jonnathanson|11 years ago|reply
Look around you. Every day, in every situation imaginable, there are hundreds of ways to meet people. There really are. You could strike up a conversation with a stranger on a subway. You could ask for some advice from the girl ahead of you in line at the supermarket. You could ask your coworkers to hang out, or join them for lunch. You could go to meetup groups, or meet people online and transition to real-world encounters. Point is, "How do I meet people?" is the most commonly asked question -- and it's usually the wrong one.
If you're a true introvert, your biggest enemy is yourself. It's your desire to be alone. It's your preference for living by yourself, for quiet moments away from others, for nights spent at home, watching Netflix or playing games. Making friends means making an effort to hang out with them, even when it doesn't seem like the most immediately pleasurable, comfortable, or convenient thing to do at any given moment.
I hate making plans. But once I'm in mid-plan with a friend or two, I have a great time. And yet, somehow I never seem to put two and two together. I tend to decline or avoid a lot of social plans. I'm sabotaging my own friendships when I do that. Friendships are like pets; they need to be fed, walked, and watered. Some of your friends will be super outgoing, and they'll do most of the work for you. But some of your friends won't; they'll be the passive party and expect you to make the plans. And either type of friend will occasionally, if not often, expect you to make the plans. That's what happens in a mutual friendship.
So I'd ask you to ask yourself: is your problem really about meeting people, or is it about staying engaged with people? If it's about meeting people (shyness), there is plenty of good advice on this thread about how to do it. If it's about spending time with people (introversion), that's going to require some regular, concerted effort to battle against your own inclinations. Sort of like battling the urge to procrastinate. You'll have to battle the urge to self-isolate. You'll want to focus less on the initial "ugh" factor in making or anticipating plans, and more on the fun you'll be having when you're hanging out.
Friendships don't just click into place on the first interaction between two or more people. They depend on proximity and frequency. They take time to develop, and once they've developed, they need to be maintained. They are conditional, and you need to live up to whatever the conditions may be in any given relationship. You're not going to ask a coworker to lunch and become friends at the end of that meal. You're going to ask that same coworker to lunch a second time, and eventually a third. And maybe you'll be friends at the end of the fourth meal.
[+] [-] schainks|11 years ago|reply
I see two ways of meeting people, with 1 rule required: The Rule: Always say the first opinion that comes to your mind. Do not be afraid to say what you really feel, and have an intelligent discussion about it later, in which you can admit you were ignorant and change your opinion. Opinions are like belly buttons, everyone has one, and they're mostly irrelevant. Great friendships can be forged between people with totally opposite opinions. You will be genuine as long as you speak your mind.
Corollary: Take what you were just imagining in that public social situation, grab your balls, and do it. Reality either smacks you in the face and you have to handle an unknown situation, or all of a sudden it's serendipity. (P.S. This works exactly the same way on dates, too.)
Meet people: 1. Use workmates or the internet to meet people (meetup.com/okcupid/tinder/etc.) - it's a good crutch to transitioning to real life approaching strangers, without any risk of blushing or doing something else embarrassing. You'll later find out, even in "structured" situations you'll do embarassing things anyway, so maybe you should skip to #2: 2. Walk up to those groups (assuming it's a safe environment), interrupt and introduce yourself. Speak your English wrong, don't let the people get to you, just keep pushing your level so you always say exactly what you mean, in a direct and efficient way (because English works like this). Your purpose is to develop your language/social skills, not impress them. Feel free to be transparent with them, and explain why you're talking to them - who knows what they'll do!
You see the above text? That is how I taught myself fluent spoken Chinese on the streets of China starting with _zero_ Chinese. The strategy completely works, but it's not easy. The biggest benefit of it, however, is every time I get outside my comfort zone I can _handle it_.
Now you get two life skills for the price of one. Good luck.
[+] [-] seren|11 years ago|reply
It also works in professional settings. It is better to work with people who are willing to say upfront "I don't know", rather than keeping quiet and ending up doing a bad job, because they were afraid to look weak.
So if you want someone to confide something, tell them one of your secret first. (But do not plan it in a Machiavellian way or it will surely backfire, the key is to stay genuine and really care at all time.)
[+] [-] bthomas|11 years ago|reply
These are near-universal struggles. Most people wish they could make more friends with shared interests, even those with a great friend group. (Most friendships are circumstantial and the individuals don't have much more in common than two random people from similar backgrounds.) Most people without families also get lonely on the weekends. Lately I've been trying to get healthy and avoid drinking and it's remarkable how much that's stalled my social and dating lives.
I had a different reaction: that this is an untapped opportunity for potential founders. Meetup is great in theory but for some reason isn't good at friendships. I don't get why in 2014 there is such a discrepancy between % of relationships and % of friendships sourced online. There must be a better way for the internet to introduce people with shared goals and convert them to real-life friends, without sex involved. Also consider how much friction this adds to relocation - how many people avoid moving because "all my friends are here". That's implying that it would be hard to make similar friends in a new city.
I hope the HN crowd starts to see this as a problem that needs solving. Personally, I've always thought that social apps were boring and superfluous - that I wanted to work on "hard" problems instead - but starting to question this assumption.
[+] [-] Omniusaspirer|11 years ago|reply
Reading this thread though really emphasizes to me that there is huge demand for an easy "friend finder". I'm now thoroughly convinced this is a space just waiting to be occupied.
[+] [-] Treyno|11 years ago|reply
A lot of the time I meet people who don't speak English that well and explain it's not a huge problem. They often just speak about game related things and don't really go any deeper in to anything more personal. Until 2-3 months down the line and it's easy to notice how much they've come out of their shell. Throwing banter around and asking how works going or other personal things and they seem 10x more comfortable speaking in front of me and my English friends (and new people I get to join the teamspeak). It's not something you have to dedicate a lot of time to, can be very casual.
I don't usually post on here but I felt this could be very beneficial as I've seen it work countless times. I've got a lot of these people on my facebook, twitter and snapchat during the day. Even been to lans in Sweden ETC and met up with a couple.
*Edit: I'm 23, and speak to my 'online friends' 2-3 hours a night, and go out on a weekend with a different social group on the weekend. Played games since I was 11 and had 2 'serious' relationships lasting around 2 years each. - If you was interested.
[+] [-] dimillian|11 years ago|reply
I've met people working at Apple, Blizzard & more. We shared passion & experience, it got me some business opportunity too. The world is so small it's amazing.
[+] [-] tunesmith|11 years ago|reply
I'm white, american, fluent, and witty enough that I can regularly make my friends laugh. But even despite those advantages, I felt a strong sense of recognition reading this post - I felt exactly the same way about my ability to connect with people, and about the weekends.
I think there's a structural problem with the bay area in that sense. Making friends at work is tough because everyone lives at least 20 minutes away, probably much further. The geography means everyone is really spread out. Most of the peninsula doesn't have natural hang-out areas. And the general professional emphasis in the bay area means that everyone is friendly enough to give you 1-2 minutes, but then they're on to the next thing.
I honestly don't have a lot of suggestions to give, other than to say that the problem might not be YOU. You might have to move somewhere where there is a better natural support network, and there really are such places. I moved northwest and ended up feeling like everyone was an order of magnitude friendlier and more open.
Barring that, I'd focus on doing things like joining a church where there is a cultural fit - even if you aren't religious - or trying your hardest to find local meetups where the emphasis is more on a common interest than on meeting other people - in that environment, you can rely on the common interest to talk to people, and slowly turn it into a personal relationship over time.
Overall I just wanted to say I really feel for you - that doesn't sound fun and it's easy to tell from your writing that you're a good person and would have a lot to offer in terms of friendship (or relationship).
[+] [-] piyush_soni|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] dnautics|11 years ago|reply
I would venture to say that if you truly are an introvert (being social saps your energy) then you should consider social dancing or rock climbing, because for a few minutes at a time your attention is focused on just one person and you can for the most part shut off everyone else, unlike being in say a generic 'common interest' meetup.
But anyways you have to actually put effort into it. Unlike the olden days, where everyone in town knew what was up, and dragged other people around, or college, which professionalizes the student's entitlement to experiences, you are rarely going to be handed social activities on a platter.
If someone invites you to spend time with them in a group, make a mental note of it, and if you're counting too many examples where you're saying no, think hard about saying yes the next time.
Also, yes, it is harder being an Asian. I know this from personal experience. But there is nothing you can do about that, so forget about it.
[+] [-] seeken|11 years ago|reply
I have made it a point to always say yes and it has made a huge difference for me. I am also very shy.
[+] [-] allworknoplay|11 years ago|reply
1) I'm fairly introverted, and I've been successful finding new friends when I've found interest-based clubs/groups; for me this would be gaming or making-things groups; it could also be a local sports league, tech meetup, or book club or something. These are great ways to meet people. With a little bit of luck you'll meet cool people with similar interests in no time.
2) You seem far too nervous about your accent. I have worked and developed friendships with a few people with really strong accents, and have always found that people are willing to work through it as long as you are. I really doubt people mind yours; you just have to laugh off miscommunications and keep smiling.
3) Most people are really friendly most of the time if you engage them in a positive way and are simply pleasant to be around. I strongly suggest that when you meet some people you like at one of the aforementioned interest-based clubs, you simply be honest with them and tell them straight up that you're trying to make more friends in the area. You aren't going to get laughed at; most people have been there and will be totally sympathetic and will invite you along to something. In the case that someone seems mean, they're probably an asshole anyway. Just make sure you smile and are pleasant to be around and people will be friendly back to you.
Overall, it sounds to me like you're stuck in a sort of negative-self-image-feedback-loop. Stay positive and smile a lot and I promise people will like you.
[+] [-] VLM|11 years ago|reply
Asian is waaaaaay too vague but I did take a semester of Japanese for the heck of it perhaps a decade ago, and the OP did ask to meet ladies, and the class was about 50% women who would fight over the opportunity to "study" with a native speaker. So lets go to the coffee shop after class and discuss the homework further, etc. So find the local higher ed school and ask the teacher if they'd like the help of a native speaker, even if all you do during class is sip a soda I'm sure you'll get all the attention you can tolerate both before and after class. Stay on the teachers good side by never interrupting or correcting them unless prompted (their class, not yours). Aside from language, an ethnic cooking class might like your help.
OP may think being foreigner means Americans won't care, but I found it totally fascinating talking to a Korean coworker for endless hours. You need a collection of conversation starters "well, in Korea we have vending machines that contain beer" or "ah well a twelve hour flight back home next summer" or "let me tell you about real korean bbq" or whatever.
[+] [-] kaitai|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] billyjobob|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] precisioncoder|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] VLM|11 years ago|reply
Also if you are asian and start talking in perfect English like George Takei they're going to assume you're perfectly extroverted and an expert on American social cultural norms and behaviors, oh good how nice and stressful if you're introverted. But if you're just good enough to communicate most of the time while clearly putting in some kind of effort, they'll cut you a huge amount of slack, regardless if the actual problem is you're all introverted anxious exhausted. He's not terrified to be talking to a pretty girl, he's just having English troubles, no problem.
[+] [-] Dorian-Marie|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] naz|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] illumen|11 years ago|reply
Do some group sports. Yoga, dancing, skateboarding, table tennis, whatever. Go to clubs, or bars where people talk. Introduce yourself to people. Eventually, when you keep going back you'll make some friends.
Are you into music or art? Why not go and see some shows? Or take a life drawing class or some such. Maybe start collecting records, or join a photography group.
Don't talk about your job with people. There is nothing people find more boring.
Keep getting out there, and have fun :)
[+] [-] tehwalrus|11 years ago|reply
for anyone here learning a language, check out:
http://www.fluentin3months.com/
The TLDR on that site (and his book) is basically conversational practise (anywhere you can get it) is much much more important than lessons, which are too different from how our brains are designed to learn languages (which is by usage, not grammar rules.) I would say that this is especially true for someone who can already write as the OP can, but just has trouble with confidence in talking to people in person.
The key lesson for OP from FI3M, is that people are very infrequently angry with you for speaking their language wrong. English speakers may have more of a sense of entitlement than speakers of other languages (dominant culture, etc) but in general people will do their best to communicate, however slowly (assuming you catch them in a situation where they have time.) A good way to do this is meeting someone for coffee explicitly to practise English. Either they can learn your language in return, or you buy them the coffee, obviously! :)
(edit: situations where you can do this! You could always "buy an English lesson" from someone, I suppose. You could also arrange to meet someone you met at an English class on a different evening, in order to practise together, especially if your only common language is English.)
[+] [-] unknown|11 years ago|reply
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[+] [-] Dewie|11 years ago|reply
What a horrible society we must have if it enables this; insular, isolating, compartmentalizing.
[+] [-] yodsanklai|11 years ago|reply
When I was living in the US, it was quite hard for me to make american friends. Probably because of the language barrier, and also because the "natives" don't feel the urge to make new friends as they have groups of friends already.
On the other hand, it was much easier to bond with other foreigners, especially people from my country or with similar culture. At least as a starting point, I think your best bet would be to find other asians who you could relate to.
Besides that, just taking place in various activities will eventually help you to make friend (but it can take time). But not all activities are equal for that matter so you may need to try a few ones. For instance, I was in a swimming club where people barely talk to each other. And in a boxing class where I made a bunch of diverse friends.
As for meeting women, online dating is the way to go I suppose. Living in New York, i was very surprised how easy it was. Actually, I found it much easier to find girlfriends than friends.
[+] [-] bfung|11 years ago|reply
1. Do stuff alone? - simple as doing suggesting or asking to do things with others. Don't have a roommate? Move and get a roommate. Interview them before moving in. When I was 26, I was tired of being alone also, so I found a roommate. It didn't work perfectly, but it helped me learn how to live with someone else.
2. English - to work on pronunciation, record yourself and listen to it. Practice all the time, listen, and adjust. To work on phrases and vocabulary, don't be afraid to ask people to explain it to you. Tell them you never heard of the phrase growing up. It may spark a conversation and will help with talking to people in general.
Like startups, there will be rejection and the fear of rejection. Look at your successes and failures objectively and correct accordingly. Engineer your life =D
[+] [-] was_hellbanned|11 years ago|reply
1) Rock climbing gyms. I made a lot of great friends at Mission Cliffs and Berkeley Ironworks. I have no natural talent for climbing, but I love the mental and physical challenge, and I enjoy the social aspect.
2) A super-social connector. When I first moved to the Bay Area, I made a ton of new connections through the marketing woman at my startup. Simply by saying 'yes' to invitations and actually following through, I found my social network increasing.
3) Meetup.com and various activity groups. When I was in Tokyo, I found Tokyo Gaijins to be a great resource for meeting people. Like food? Take a cooking class.
By the way, living on the Peninsula without a car is social suicide. Move to SF, that's where all the cool kids are. Also -- potentially controversially -- SF is the home of Asian women dating dorky white guys. If you want to meet a nice girl, do what my (Asian) friend did and move to Vancouver, B.C. He went from perpetually single to dating in a few months, and got married last year.
[+] [-] crimsonalucard|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] cousin_it|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jsemrau|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jiraaya|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] eshvk|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] muhuk|11 years ago|reply
I would say "get used to being alone", though. If you are OK with being alone, you don't feel lonely very often.
[+] [-] swalkergibson|11 years ago|reply
Seriously. Go out and dance!
[+] [-] jananananana|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mattm|11 years ago|reply