I was so impressed with the NYTimes article I saw posted this morning about a study done on strangers falling in love, that I took the questions from the original study and built an app / game. Should be a great tool for first dates or for fun with your lover. Enjoy!
Good work, would be great if both partners could submit their answers online separately, which then generates a page where they can compare the results together.
I just realized that yesterday was the to-the-day 1 year anniversary of my girlfriend of 3 years dumping me in Palo Alto (via email) the day after she told me she could see us married and happy together (ouch!). Woke up, read HackerNews, and had this insatiable urge to blow off everything I had on my plate for PRMatch.com and code this sucker up. So grateful for all the praise / support / people using it and signing up for more free relationship tools.
It's heartening to see you moved beyond that painful experience and didn't let it make you bitter. I love that you are still optimistic about love. Best wishes! Hope you find what you are looking for.
I have an idea for an experiment: take this to the UN and have two quarreling diplomats go through the process with each other. Next step - world peace.
I'm sort of curious how you imagine these quarrels actually go. "You sent tanks into my territory." "It's my territory!" "Let's use a dating app." "I love you, man."
Is the premise really that just the exercise alone produces the result? Wouldn't two people who were totally repulsed by each other's answers not fall in love? What about people who were just lukewarm towards each other's answers?
If that's the case, how does this idea allude to anything other than the concept that two people who generally get along with each other, and were already predisposed to liking each other in the first place, would develop feelings for each other after spending a few hours conversing and learning about each other?
The paper linked from the article goes into this a bit. (Though I just skimmed it.) The authors started by thinking people who had similar answers would be more attracted, but found that wasn't the case. Just the act of opening up seems to provide the effect.
Highlighted in purple on page 367:
"Overall, these data suggest that matching in terms of
not disagreeing on important attitudes or leading subjects
to believe that they and their partners will like each
other probably has little impact on the overall closeness
subjects achieve through this procedure, or even on
their mutual attraction. "
The eye gazing alone is incredibly powerful if you know how to do it properly -- you can dissolve through a ton of projections that normally interfere with someone.
I had the experience of eye gazing with a woman this fall, and the moment we saw each other, we both had the experience of "this is my husband/wife" -- we dated for a couple months, though she had a bf so that was sort of tricky and I decided I needed to take space to let her sort that out.
As for the questions, most people have a very low level of intimate conversation -- Level 1 (of 5), where they mostly discuss facts about things, the world, etc. This moves them up into higher level intimate conversations.
Also, a big part of attraction is feeling safe, on a deeper level, so actively moving to deeper levels and being vulnerable together will bond people.
Will this work if you hate the person or have no attraction at all? Maybe not, but it can be a huge catalyst for newly dating people or long term couples.
In my workshops I've had women say they had more sustained eye contact in 3 minutes than they've had in their entire 20 year marriage. Powerful stuff.
I kind of want to try this with someone from a gender I'm not sexually attracted to who is also not sexually attracted to my gender. I'm assuming we'd just end up closer friends.
Awesome to see this! After reading the article, I too thought about making an app for it, but kudos to you for beating me to the punch.
I might suggest making a native app though. Several developers made an absolute killing off their native versions of the NYT's 7 minute workout article (eventually pushing the NYT to release their own app).
I found this study a few years ago, I met a women where i was working told hr about it. A few weeks later I got the courage to ask her out on a date, (She accepted :) and we did the 36 questions together - a year later we are now married. It's such a powerful thing to do with someone you have just met.
Found this as well if anyone is interested - they have made a film about the study in down under Australia, says online it comes out in 2015, heres the link:
I really like the carousel. Nevertheless, for those that are too lazy to click 36 times:
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of
your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make 3 true "we" statements each. For instance "We are both in this room feeling ... "
Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Almost done. Now silently look into your partners eyes for 4 Minutes.
Since I'd already started my own version before seeing this, decided to release it anyways. Quite similar, though mine is integrated into more of a story/post format.
Whilst I appreciate that it may not always be easy to create significant 'chat' on a first date and an app like this enables two people to enter into questions which would otherwise not be asked and through the safety of a third party arbiter, does it not enhance the way our culture arbitrarily relates to love as something that is possible to manufacture and causes no risk to the individual? An "app for falling in love"!!! The safety of these generic questions and the way they avert an danger of imaginative import from either party effectively over throws the possibility of the fall (i.e. risk, danger, ingenuity) required to fall in love. Zizek recently compared online dating and modern dating techniques (like this) to arranged marriages: neither allow for the individual risk to fall in love (become something other than they are through love) as both are moderated by an all powerful other, on the one hand the parents with their infinite gaze into our lives and on the other the normative values of our society that we find no way of freeing ourselves from if we try to enter into love through the reproduction of cliches like this app encourages us to.
You lost me at "whilst". OK, not really, but your writing reads like an audition to a contest I'm not holding. Why not just say, "taking risks in love frees us and this app doesn't do that"?
It's possible I'm mildly dyslexic as my spelling is terrible. Thanks for the reminder I need extra eyes to get this production ready.. Also, been grinding all day. Thanks for checking it out!
At the risk of my servers being breached / destroyed... I've embedded an easter egg for you guys.. If you unlocked it, it will add an extra final slide that should be useful for first dates ;)
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
The inspiration was this thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=8866933
[+] [-] nether|11 years ago|reply
Yeah, there's a fun one for a first date. Seriously how do you handle that question? Some people have had very bad things happen to them.
[+] [-] bksenior|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Hmaal|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] taigeair|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] simonswords82|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
Looking forward to some wedding photos!
xo, Anthony
[+] [-] hangonhn|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] peteypao|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] binarymax|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] saraid216|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] c16|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tmuir|11 years ago|reply
If that's the case, how does this idea allude to anything other than the concept that two people who generally get along with each other, and were already predisposed to liking each other in the first place, would develop feelings for each other after spending a few hours conversing and learning about each other?
[+] [-] bjt|11 years ago|reply
Highlighted in purple on page 367:
"Overall, these data suggest that matching in terms of not disagreeing on important attitudes or leading subjects to believe that they and their partners will like each other probably has little impact on the overall closeness subjects achieve through this procedure, or even on their mutual attraction. "
http://www.stafforini.com/txt/Aron%20et%20al%20-%20The%20exp...
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
I had the experience of eye gazing with a woman this fall, and the moment we saw each other, we both had the experience of "this is my husband/wife" -- we dated for a couple months, though she had a bf so that was sort of tricky and I decided I needed to take space to let her sort that out.
As for the questions, most people have a very low level of intimate conversation -- Level 1 (of 5), where they mostly discuss facts about things, the world, etc. This moves them up into higher level intimate conversations.
Also, a big part of attraction is feeling safe, on a deeper level, so actively moving to deeper levels and being vulnerable together will bond people.
Will this work if you hate the person or have no attraction at all? Maybe not, but it can be a huge catalyst for newly dating people or long term couples.
In my workshops I've had women say they had more sustained eye contact in 3 minutes than they've had in their entire 20 year marriage. Powerful stuff.
Thanks for the feedback!
[+] [-] dllthomas|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mamoswined|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] myrmi|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] morgante|11 years ago|reply
I might suggest making a native app though. Several developers made an absolute killing off their native versions of the NYT's 7 minute workout article (eventually pushing the NYT to release their own app).
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ajslater|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] orblivion|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] Danjambev|11 years ago|reply
Found this as well if anyone is interested - they have made a film about the study in down under Australia, says online it comes out in 2015, heres the link:
https://www.facebook.com/pages/36-Questions-The-Movie/279767...
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt3511822/
PLD
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[email protected]
I'm the creator of LoveActualize.com
[+] [-] seba_dos1|11 years ago|reply
I'm aware that it's a really old engine (from somewhere around Firefox 3.5 times), but it sounds like something trivial to fix.
[+] [-] blubbi2|11 years ago|reply
Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Would you like to be famous? In what way?
Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?
What would constitute a "perfect" day for you?
When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?
If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?
Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?
Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.
For what in your life do you feel most grateful?
If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?
Take 4 minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.
If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future, or anything else, what would you want to know?
Is there something that you've dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven't you done it?
What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?
What do you value most in a friendship?
What is your most treasured memory?
What is your most terrible memory?
If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?
What does friendship mean to you?
What roles do love and affection play in your life?
Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of 5 items.
How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people's?
How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
Make 3 true "we" statements each. For instance "We are both in this room feeling ... "
Complete this sentence: "I wish I had someone with whom I could share ... "
If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.
Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time saying things that you might not say to someone you've just met.
Share with your partner an embarrassing moment in your life.
When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?
Tell your partner something that you like about them already.
What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?
If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven't you told them yet?
Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?
Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?
Share a personal problem and ask your partner's advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.
Almost done. Now silently look into your partners eyes for 4 Minutes.
Congrats! You're in love! :)
[+] [-] hnriot|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] fallinlove|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] morgante|11 years ago|reply
http://www.cafe.com/relationships/questioning-love?u=d39da61...
[+] [-] AntonyCamp789|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] glibgil|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] kgc|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
http://imgur.com/6mI0NzN
Don't QUESTION LOVE!
[+] [-] jrockway|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ada1981|11 years ago|reply
[+] [-] rjaco31|11 years ago|reply
Could someone explain this question to me?