[jasonwocky]

I dunno. I'm not a big fan of the "be kind" angle on things. Too often that translates to, "Withhold the feedback you have for fear that you'll upset the other person." Or, "Don't tell anyone that you think you have a better idea than the one someone else is championing."

I generally think that people are "too kind" at work in a lot of ways, and it leads to a lot of grousing and internal stress on the part of the people who have to bite their lip rather than contribute to their fullest.

Rather than "Be Kind", I prefer the duo of, "Be Honest, but Be Thoughtful First".

[andrewstuart]

>>Withhold the feedback you have for fear that you'll upset the other person.

No, that is you failing to have a voice.

The appropriate thing to say is, in a calm a non-emotional manner, "I've got something to say on this but the strength of your communication is leading me to feel I'm not allowed to speak. That's not healthy so lets communicate better.".

It's passive aggressive behaviour to say nothing then snipe from covert position of resentment because you feel you have not been listened to.

You can take responsibility and speak without fear of the other person.

I once worked with a very senior software developer who controlled the outcomes of the technical conversations by getting annoyed and shouting down what the other people thought. As a result people were cowed and did not want to say anything for fear he would get even more annoyed. I eventually had enough of it and whenever it happened I said "I'm sorry but I'm not okay with things going the way you say through being overbearing. I have just as much experience and knowledge as you so my opinion is just as valid on this stuff. If you want it to be your way you'll have to get there a different way than just being overbearing." He kept doing it, I kept saying it calmly. Eventually he started to become aware that he isn't the smartest, just the most overbearing.

[pekk]

It would be useful if people carefully considered their real motivations for their feedback, and whether it was really all correct and relevant. Feedback which hasn't passed a strong internal filter for whether it is basically constructive, objective and well-informed isn't worth voicing and really should be withheld. So I like that you say "be thoughtful."

[jasonwocky]

Yeah, I'm a big proponent of the thoughtfulness you describe. I don't like it when people shroud rudeness & cognitive miserliness as "just calling things like they see them." I prefer "See it, think about it, then call it."

I really value honesty, but not every emotion-laden thought that passes through our heads deserves airtime.