clockwork123512's comments

Thanks for the recommendations — John Cho was also great in "Searching" (a thriller about a Korean-American who tries to find his daughter who disappears). Old classical literature from China (especially "Romance of the Three Kingdoms" about the power struggles in the fall of the Han dynasty) has been a good source for positive role models, too.

I wish the Wolf Warrior movies could be a way to guide China's government to what it could be (a positive geopolitical force that can help). They're more fantasy than reality, though; I can't ever trust them as a Canadian, after they arbitrarily detained two fellow citizens (the two Michaels) [0] for over 1,000 days as part of a geopolitical game [1].

[0] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Detention_of_Michael_Spavor_an...

[1] https://www.bbc.com/news/world-us-canada-58687071

I've seen both movies, though I'm Canadian. I enjoyed the movies because my family is East Asian, and I wanted to see what a real East Asian hero in the movies could look like (long before Shang-Chi came out). This differs from the typical depiction of Asian guys in Hollywood movies as unconfident, geeky, and not romantic interests.

In contrast, the hero of Wolf Warrior is athletic, confident, highly competent, and heroic (he saves civilians in the second movie).

I really enjoyed this because the absence of East Asian heroic figures has contributed to Asian men being seen as unattractive in the dating pool [0]. Career-wise, Asians are also the least likely in the US to be promoted, according to the Harvard Business Review [1]. It's also a struggle to lack Asian role models growing up.

You can't even really talk about this issue of underrepresentation in media as an Asian male without criticism. The first result when you search for issues facing Asian men today is a Slate article documenting radicalized men who have harassed Asian women ("Men's Rights Asians Think This Is Their Moment"). What those guys did is reprehensible, but if I speak about these issues in real life, I can get lumped in with them.

So, I enjoyed the movies, but don't typically talk about my enjoyment for fear of being ostracized. Anyways, Wolf Warrior is more G.I. Joe than James Bond or Rambo. He's also not fighting against American spies or representatives of the US government, but rather villains who happen to be American (and more vicious than bumbling). Also, the hero surprisingly disobeys the Chinese government several times (and ends up imprisoned, though he ultimately returns to alignment with the government in the end).

Sources:

[0] https://theconversation.com/asian-guys-stereotyped-and-exclu...

[1] https://hbr.org/2018/05/asian-americans-are-the-least-likely...

I tried it for a while, but I never could make it stick (12-8 pm was my window).

What worked for me for energy levels and mood was keeping it to a solid breakfast, lunch, and dinner of healthy food (high protein, no simple carbs) with no snacks in between.

I had a similar experience. The following was helpful for my unique situation, over the course of a year and a half:

1. I consciously decided to stop processing the past and let go. Instead, I moved on to the opportunities I currently have. I adjusted social media to remove reminders of my past workplace (including muting old colleagues). The questionable professional networking benefits wasn't worth the toll to my mindset.

2. Valuing myself a lot more wa helpful. I don't perpetuate the environment by by treating others unfairly for self-gain, but I avoid straining myself to help out others (where there's often no actual award or appreciation) unless it's mutual beneficial. I've found that a lot of people don't appreciate favours, and may even feel entitled to them from you.

3. Boundary-setting was important. This includes revealing less personal information at work (it can be used against me, though I'm trying not to take it too far) and declining overwork when I can (in a tactful, graceful way). This led to cutting off a one-sided friendship (where I was constantly asked for favours and support without receiving it back), because boundary-setting was challenged and not respected. It was painful, but ultimately helpful.

4. A shift in identity from my job to myself as a professional not tied to a workplace helped massively. I also started doing multiple projects, so negative problems at work don't affect my identity.

5. I kept up healthy habits. This includes a consistent sleep schedule, avoiding simple carbs when I can for diet, exercise, and avoiding outrage-producing information sources, like low-quality news websites and especially Reddit.

Due to additional time and focus, I started seeing someone in a fulfilling romantic relationship. I don't intend to reveal that past (I want to move on, as I'm a different person now). She's genuinely nice, too; she really enriches my life, though I'm avoiding repeating the mistake of tying my self-worth to anything external, including her. So, while perhaps I was the ideal, dedicated worker before, I'm still pretty good now, and happier with parts outside of my life.

In short: I committed to moving on and letting go of my negative past experience to reduce distractions. I then fixed personality flaws that tied my self-worth to others (by consequence, I learned boundary-setting, which counterintuitively improved my relationships). I also earned a belief in myself again, by sticking to hard but healthy habits and making good, consistent progress in developing skills I always wanted to have.

Last quick note: I got a lot of mileage from referring to "Feeling Good" by David Burns for self-treatment with CBT whenever I felt trapped by negative thoughts. "Intimate Connections" also by Burns helped me for relationship advice, which helps with enjoying the present.

There are different challenges with moving on from an abusive work environment too. I felt gaslit in my experience, and encountered people who won't sympathize and dismiss the negative effects (while abusive romantic relationships are more understood).

In my experience, I realized I could spend a lifetime processing it and feeling bitter, or do my best to forget and let it go. It was helpful for me to change my environment and social circle, disconnect from past colleagues on social media, and change industries for a bit.

Things haven't been perfect for me, but I'm most back to where I used to be with effort and belief in myself (like 90% there, though I'm still more fragile if I make mistakes; though my current boss is particularly kind). It took a year to get mostly over it, though still unmotivated, and about a year and a half to feel recovered. To prevent it in the future, I also balance multiple projects, so my performance at work isn't as big of a deal to my identity anymore (which counterintuitively makes me better at my job).

To solve this, I avoid using YouTube for discovering new videos because I don't believe the recommendation system has my interests in mind (e.g. spending my time more enjoyably). I've installed a free browser add-on to hide all YouTube recommendations in the sidebar (Distraction Free YouTube for Firefox).

I had a similar experience to 41209 on quitting online dating and drastically reducing social media, and developing better relationships in my life.

I spent more time on private Discord/Slack channels of hobby groups, clubs, and a non-profit as a volunteer. I felt better spending time and energy with people I've grown to care about, versus worrying about the attention of strangers via online dating optimization (nice photos that tell a story, worrying about the wording of the biography, and being overly clever with the chat messages) or, frankly, semi-strangers with loose connections on social media.

Dating a co-volunteer is almost like dating a coworker, but without the potential harm to your career. Just like a workplace, you tend to share similar interests and similar/complementary skillsets. It's also natural to approach another person, and ask to hang out or work on something independently of the organization. These relationships also seem more stable than people I'd meet through online connections.

These people are amazing to me, though it's more precise to say that I enjoy interactions with these people more than people I meet through online dating. I'm less likely to run into people who play games, e.g. who optimize response times and lengths to messages. It feels human, versus my experiences with online dating.

The main caveat is to avoid dating fellow volunteers/contributors when either of you are in a position of power (relatively less impact as no pay is at stake, but poor communication can still cause a negative organizational environment). I also avoid getting to know anyone with the intention to date them when I first meet them; though I don't hesitate to show interest in them as a person, and have created valued friends along the way. I moved to make it romantic, if I think we can work out long term (similar age, medium-term plans, and compatible personalities).