lotsofthrows's comments

> Most of the effectiveness of a therapist comes down to the "fit" between the two of you, so if you've gone to about three sessions or so and you're still not feeling it, it's encouraged and expected to try another one. Your current therapist may even refer you to another.

thank you. this is very helpful. you're the second person to mention this, and it's the sort of advice about treatment I may not have come by otherwise.

as it turns out, this is something I've been curious about (how / when to change, the etiquette of switching therapists, etc).

thank you. that's kind of you to say, and very reassuring. I honestly felt really apprehensive and guilty / self centered / narcissistic for posting here.

> This is something with which many of us struggle on a regular basis.

it certainly feels that way at times :(

> Don't self-medicate with alcohol, "drugs" (the non-prescription kind), promiscuity, video games, or other things that numb you. As the psych meds take hold, you'll be able to get up, but you'll be dragged back down as well.

poignant. I either have at one point or actively self medicate with all of the above.

> Be very conscious of suicidal ideas as you heal. The real danger point for depression-driven suicide isn't when things are so black you can't even get out of bed. It gets dangerous when you start feeling energetic again. Then you have enough energy to hurt yourself. Have a support group or friends who understand, and check in all the time.

this is valuable, thanks. I tend to be very private about anything concerning my mental health, but this makes me consider sharing it with a friend I trust who I can check in with.

> Consider getting a new job now. It might help you to have a fresh thing to care about, and getting fired from your existing job will only hurt you.

this is something I've considered very strongly. I'm a bit hesitant because I worry I'll fail to produce in my new position (if i don't take the time to heal), but it's definitely worth considering.

> The wrong medicine will dull your focus (I had a very bad sedative reaction to Lexapro) but the right ones will make you feel more normal. My work is the same as it was before, except I am happier now.

I'm really glad to hear that. It's surprisingly reassuring.

Out of curiosity, how long did it take you to decide Lexapro wasn't right for you?

thank you for sharing your experience. it sounds like you've struggled more than I have, and I admire your persistence in making it through.

It's taken me a while to write back, because new HN accounts are severely rate limited.

The spirit of your post(s) is well taken. Also, I watched the shit out of the magic school bus (which is, at least, what "sometimes you have to get dirty. sometimes you have to make mistakes" reminded me of)

thank you very much. I found your post quite helpful. I definitely have experienced at points an existential crisis wrt programming. I do enjoy it, but it's been a while since I worked on something I truly cared about.

my therapist described me as having an "idealistic streak" and mentioned I might be happier if I were working on something that motivated me more than a paycheck. This is something I'll have to take into account as I look for a new position.

I mentioned this elsewhere, but I'm not taking direct action based on any comments here. Yours is an understandable concern, though.

Thank you for responding. I found this to be a very helpful comment.

Thank you very much for sharing. I didn't downvote you (obviously). I actually have at many times in the last year (before things got... really bad) wished for a dog, but I live in a very uptight apartment complex that doesn't allow large pets.

> And you'll come to realize that, to your dog, you are literally everything. It really puts things into perspective. There really isn't much more to life than that, and I think there's a certain beauty to it.

this, and the video, made me smile. thank you.

This is an understandable perspective. I'm not taking direct action based on these comments.

> I stayed with my first therapist/psychiatrist for far too long

This is meaningful to me. I'm still seeing the first therapist / psychiatrist I sought out, and the inertial barrier of seeking out an entirely new set of professionals is kind of daunting. Knowing that this could potentially have a real impact at least means I'll probably be open to consider switching if I really feel like it's necessary.

> I hope you have health insurance :(

That's honestly one of the only reasons I haven't quit my job. I'm performing so poorly, and am so intensely ashamed of it, but don't want to go on COBRA while unemployed.

> Take the meds. This shit literally saved my life.

Thanks for sharing. It really has been reassuring to hear they've genuinely helped others.

> we might be trying to convince ourselves we "should" be enjoying our career circumstances even if we just don't. Those shoulds can certainly exacerbate depression. I'm just saying that your underperformance might also be an indication that you don't like your job, which is totally ok.

This is fair. My work has probably exacerbated my difficulties. In the past, work (or programming in general) has functioned as an outlet - something to focus on. At the moment, it's probably making things worse for various reasons. I will need to change my job soon, but feel the need to fix myself before I make any new commitments.