Ask HN: I have lost all interest in my life. Not sure what to do?
I have always suffered from premature baldness. Well , I have always got advice that be confident. Despite trying multiple times and many many changes I still feel like I never get a girls attention. I go on date once in a while but I never had second date.
No girl or women , I mean not a single one has ever shown interest in me for last 10 yrs. It's not hygiene issue for sure. I am physically fit as well. I am 140 lbs having height of 5'8".
At work, I feel like I got hired as something else and I am doing lower level role work now.
I have lost all interest in my life. I amno longer achiever I was once. I feel like everything is in vain. People of my age smash left snd right, get engaged or married or pop kids and here I am a miserable fuck. I can't get a single women or single close friend.
I think I have failed myself and everyone who kept high expectations of me.
Unfortunately :-(
[+] [-] flashman|10 years ago|reply
Do not take this as a diagnosis, but you sound like you have depression. The good news is that depression is treatable, either through therapy, lifestyle changes, or medication. Many other people suffer from depression; it's a thoroughly modern illness, albeit one that still carries some stigma.
I recovered from depression over a period of about 18 months, starting from the age of 25, and I can say this much about it: you cannot expect people to start loving you until you love yourself. (Family is an exception: they already love you. Turn to them for support.) And you really need a qualified external opinion on your situation. Solving your own depression is like trying to get airborne by pulling on your shoelaces.
[+] [-] sadadar|10 years ago|reply
I feel like I was in a similar boat to you. I was living somewhere I didn't like, doing work I didn't like, and felt like I didn't know where I was going. I decided to shake things up and move to the Bay Area and force myself to be more social. A months later, I met the woman who would be my wife before I moved and stayed around with her to try out the relationship. It worked at well. We live in the bay now and just had our 2nd child. My life and work have purpose and I am happy. It was not always easy, and it feels awful right now. Good luck, I hope you find what I have.
[+] [-] mindcrime|10 years ago|reply
Oh yeah, one other thing. Be VERY careful of believing this. This is something a lot of guys get wrong. They think no women are showing interest in then, when actually they (the women) are doing so, and the guys just don't realize it. And that's because women tend, in general, to be much more subtle in how they show interest, and because most women expect men to be the initiators in any kind of romantic or sexual scenario.
It's entirely possible that there are 100 broken hearted women out there, wondering why you weren't interested in them, because you didn't react to their subtle cues. I probably won't get any points for this, but if you're the kind of guy who thinks of yourself in terms like "I"m not good with women" or "I never know what to say to women" then consider spending some time engaging with the PUA community. Read Neil Strauss' book The Game at a minimum. You may find some interesting revelations there.
[+] [-] tuscarok|10 years ago|reply
Seriously seriously seriously OP, you've got to try to make the first move. Women, regrettably, are inherently passive about this sort of thing.
[+] [-] realcr|10 years ago|reply
Use your talent and make something great of your life. 29 is pretty young. Some people begin to be successful only at the age of 40.
About the women: I am no expert, but women don't care so much about your hair or muscle. Most women also don't care about how much money you make. In fact, having a lot of money might become an obstacle when trying to meet women. I think that women care about who you are. So make sure to become a great person.
Some additional specific advice: 1. Go learn a martial art. I suggest Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. Maybe when they try to choke you you will be reminded of death, which in turn will remind you how great your life is. In addition, after you survive a fight with the tough guys, you will never fear of approaching a woman :-)
2. Watch Tyler Durden's (Of Real Social Dynamics) "The blueprint decoded". It's really long, but watch all of it. It talks about how to live a great life. It made a big difference to my life, and I hope it will help you too.
Take care mate. Life is beautiful, make the most of it.
[+] [-] UnoriginalGuy|10 years ago|reply
You talk about your job, but what about "everything else" in your life? If your list consists of work -> gym -> home with the occasional family event thrown in between then you'll never be around single women (except at work, but a lot of people avoid that for other reasons, plus it only shows off certain parts of your personality).
If it really feels hopeless and you run out of things to change in your personal life, then maybe it is time for a change of scenery. New city, new job, or heck go back to college just for the experience and jump into all extra clubs you can.
PS - I too have trouble making friends.
PPS - TV would have you believe that everyone is living these fabulous lives with tons of hooking up and intrigue. Most people's lives are fairly boring and dull, in particular by 30.
[+] [-] threesixandnine|10 years ago|reply
As far as women are concerned. Don't fret about it. It'll come eventually. I mean for fu*k sake. You're 29 years old. Still plenty of time.
99% of the world population would love to have your knowledge, job and salary.
[+] [-] MalcolmDiggs|10 years ago|reply
My thoughts exactly. OP, you're in an incredibly privileged position, and you're very successful by almost any modern standard. It seems like a little perspective is all that might be needed here. I mean, you're a young, single, able-bodied, high-earning, english-speaking, hetero male (from the sound of it) living in California. When it comes to having advantages in life, you've pretty much won the lottery. Count your blessings.
[+] [-] MaDeuce|10 years ago|reply
I see nothing but good advice so far -- challenge, exercise, lighten up on yourself. However, I'll offer up something completely different... allocate a chunk of your time to helping others. Focus on their problems and challenges (not yours) and use your skills and background to help them improve their situation. It is incredibly rewarding to look back and see how your actions have materially helped the lives of others. Churches, other non-profits, Big Brothers, community groups, etc. are often starving for skilled volunteers like yourself. And hey, while you are busy helping others, you might bump into a nice lady. It's a great way for them to see you for who you really are, not just what you look like on the outside.
BTW, I just watched Unbroken tonight for the first time. What an awesome story. The number and magnitude of the challenges that this guy went through were staggering -- and he never gave up. The challenges just made him redouble his efforts. Get some inspiring things to watch and read.
Friends? Get some quality ones. If you have any toxic friends, dump them. If a good group of friends doesn't happen by accident, you should consciously cultivate one. You need a group of friends that will support and encourage you, and it's your duty to do the same for them.
[+] [-] adventured|10 years ago|reply
1) Challenge yourself more. If you're bored at work, do something else that will excite you. 29 is young. If anyone in SV tells you otherwise, they're delusional. Nearly all of the most famous entrepreneurs in SV's history were in their mid 30's when they got their big hit. At 29 there is still a lot of great work / productivity to be had, decades worth in fact.
2) Work out, weight lifting specifically. Put on 20 pounds of muscle. It's an excellent way to boost energy, feel better mentally about yourself, and to get the attention of the opposite sex. You can get most of the way there in a single year with discipline. Getting fit is also one of the best ways to beat normal feelings of depression.
3) Shave your head. Combine that with adding muscle. As a combination it tends to go over well with a lot of women.
People your age do not smash left and right. Most people don't have much going for them at 29, either in the US, the bay area, or the world. It's an SV myth, and basically complete bullshit, that sub 30 year olds are killing it left and right. Don't buy into it, it'll just cause you to be hard on yourself for no good reason.
[+] [-] orionblastar|10 years ago|reply
I ended up on disability in 2003 due to a mental illness. I got married in 1997. Before that women wouldn't even talk to me because I was a geek or nerd. I was always considered to have autism because of the way I talked. I couldn't find a thing I was good at until I got into computers and programming. I met my wife at church, before that I would meet women on BBS systems and BBS events and most of them were weird or already had a boyfriend they wanted to make jealous.
You have to respect women and listen to what they say. You shouldn't meet women in bars and at work, you should go to meetup.com and join special interest groups of like minded people and find women who have something in common with you. You need to take it slow with women, they don't like it when you rush them and they have to show interest in you first before you make a move.
A lot of men in IT have problems finding women to date them, it is a common problem. Most of those men have had to move to where the jobs are and it is a different culture, society, and community than the one they are used to, so women there don't find them attractive.
[+] [-] jason_slack|10 years ago|reply
1. Keep your head up. If you don't these feelings will get worse. Remember who you are, what makes you happy and why your happiness is important. You can't make someone else happy if you are not happy yourself.
2. Talk to a Dr. They are qualified to help get to the root cause of why you are feeling less than ideal about yourself.
3. Make sure you have a work, life, balance. Work and then get out of the office and enjoy the fresh air.
4. Eat properly. Get some exercise. This works for me. When I feel down I hit the gym extra hard.
5. Get a hobby that isn't your day job. Go to public places to enjoy your hobby if you can. This might help you meet people.
6. Don't worry about dating. Try to make friends. Enjoy them. Build a relationship with them. Maybe they can help you get dates too. They would also be there for support if the dates don't go well.
7. `Smushing` sounds like a Jersey Shore term. I don't think a female wants to hear this out of a males mouth. It might be just me, but I wouldn't let any woman I wanted to date hear me use that.
8. Don't worry about looks, possessions, housing, car, etc. Most all women, I think, would rather find a guy that treats them right, values them, makes them feel like they are the most important thing in life versus all these other things. I had to uproot my wife and kid to be able to afford to make ends meet and buy my wife a house. We were able to move cross country and afford to buy a small house on a lake for about $150K. This made my wife happier than I could have imagined and I don't stress about paying for it. I am an average guy with a beautiful wife and I never had a lot of money or possessions to offer. At one point, my car exploded on a freeway and I could not afford to buy another one. This didn't detour her at all.
9. Lastly, find good in yourself. If you can't, "find a better mirror." Repeat Item #1.
I wish you the best. If you need to talk, so many of us here want to listen and help. Please let us help.
Edit: typos
[+] [-] oroup|10 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mindcrime|10 years ago|reply
I'm reminded of one of Neil Strauss' stories from The Game. He was balding and he spoke of how Mystery said to him "Shave your head. Bald is a choice, balding isn't".
[+] [-] michaelpinto|10 years ago|reply
If you're not happy there is nothing wrong with seeing a professional therapist.
Also avoid life advice from those who work in software, since it's an industry that's not known for "human interface issues".
[+] [-] Pishky|10 years ago|reply
Look at the spiritual side of things. What does it mean to be happy. Who defines success, you or your peers. How long does it last?
I can really relate your feelings about women, been there done that. Am now married with two kids and looking back at things I was totally wrong in the assumption that a drop dead gorgeous person would make you happy.
You see, happiness comes from within and is not defined by things like jobs, partners, things you own. If I could choose a religion for you it would be Buddhism, follow the steps and happiness is guaranteed.
All the best
[+] [-] ccrush|10 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ahanjura|10 years ago|reply
You might have rushed through the first few years of your adult/professional life and arrived where you are today but take a step back. Think about YOU. Look at what you are good at and what you need to work on. Just a few things. Don't try to be someone you are not at the core.
If you were an achiever ever, you still are. That hasn't gone anywhere. You have just stopped believing in yourself based on parameters the "world" considers as criteria for success/fun/adulthood. Live your life. If you can do just one thing today, go and help some people with those 120K you make every year. I have worked in the bay area ages ago and I know how it feels. Your problem is lack of belongingness. Go, create an impact in other people's lives and life will love you back. and yes, that woman/girl you want in your life will follow you but if you ask me, don't go looking for it. If you do the other things I talked about, the HIGH you will get will be awesome. If you do get a pretty girl :), please let me know. I will tell other folks that I helped you (in someways) get one:). Chill out. Life is awesome even when it is not.
[+] [-] gexla|10 years ago|reply
This is what you need to focus on. You need to be confident to sell. We are always selling. You had to sell to land your job, maybe you can look at what you did right there and use that as something to build on.
> Despite trying multiple times and many many changes I still feel like I never get a girls attention.
None of us do.
> I go on date once in a while but I never had second date.
Here is your problem. Dating is a numbers game. The more attempts you make, the more you are going to connect. But also, the more confident you will get, the more natural it will feel and generally the better you will get.
As with sales, if you aren't getting many opportunities, then you need to find them, create them and generally do whatever you can to line up more of them. That means you need to make changes from what you are currently doing. Make a list of changes you can make (activities, meetups, hobbies) and hit the pavement. The facetime you are getting with opportunities is your main metric (at least for the start) - if you are growing this, then you are well on your way.
As with sales, you can either wait for sales to come to you and get down on yourself when you aren't closing. Or you can get out and aggressively push your "product." Who wins in this scenario? You have to grow thick skin. You can't obtain happiness without experiencing the pain of failure. Making a sale and getting rejected are two sides of the same coin. You can't have one without the other. If you can't hang with the negative side, then you don't deserve the positive.
Selling in this case is just weaving a story and convincing people to listen. That's the first win. Attention is scarce and valuable. If you can hold someones attention, then you are winning. Then you have to weave a possible alternate reality for that first date which is potentially better than all the other alternatives. A great story that your potential date could see herself being a part of.
You got this. We are all social creatures. People will be attracted to you just for that reason alone. You have friends. You landed a job. You have family who want to talk to you. There are others out there who would love to spend time with you. Put in the effort and show them WHY they want to spend time with you.
[+] [-] chipsy|10 years ago|reply
What you may need is to shake everything up. If you aren't happy performing in this way(and following a traditional career and marriage script is a performance) start questioning who/what you are instead. There are a lot of different lifestyles out there. Some folks are libertine, others celebate. Gender and gender roles aren't static. You may desire a subset of sex, romance, or children, but not all three. If you go through the process of exploring and questioning and come out the other side basically still aligned with the norms, you'll be more prepared for a relationship - you'll understand just how different people can be. Goes the same for your career choices too - you may do better with a small tweak. Imagine interviewing for different positions and conpanies.
[+] [-] mindcrime|10 years ago|reply
Well said. We have to be very careful to not let other people, ancient rituals, and social stereotypes define who we are - of who we feel like we need to be (or become).
It's your life. When you die, we all cease to exist.
[+] [-] declan|10 years ago|reply
Relatively speaking, though, you seem to feel you're not. In terms of dating, it's a matter of supply and demand. There is a glut of men (114:100 ratio) between 20 and 44 years old relative to women in San Jose: http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2014/10/04/man-jose-san-jos...
So women can be more selective. You can change this by improving your own desirability, as others in this thread have suggested, or by moving to a place with a less lopsided gender ratio. Neither is trivial but it sounds like it's worth doing given how unhappy you say you are.
[+] [-] realcr|10 years ago|reply
Dude, I know your situation very well from my own life experience. 100% familiar. I've gone past it. If you wanna know how - keep reading:
1. If you've reached undesired places in your life - it for sure means that you've followed the wrong roads. Gone the wrong path for you. What you harvest now, is the plants you've been sowing all of your life, until now. Keep sowing the same seeds, you'll keep harvesting the same results. I would suggest you to doubt and question everything you thought and believed about life, and recalculate route... ;-)
2. Here are the good news: Have you asked yourself why do you post this question here in the web, instead of jumping out of the window?.. What is that urge inside you that makes you wanna live?? Wanna be happy?? Block all your thoughts aside, just focus on that infinitely deep urge of inside of you, that made you come here and ask for help. This urge alone is the answer, the key for you to get out of the mud, and live your life the way you want them to be. You might, however, have to let go and give up things (you think) you want - in order to break out of your own jail. In other words - GET OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE. Don't hold anything back. Drop all of your attachments. Be willing TO SACRIFICE EVERYTHING, in order to attain that which is really important to you. Do you even know what it is?.. If not, finding it out will be a good start. ;-)
3. Get into a group of ppl like you. A group of searchers. Study together, practice together, share your experience s and problems with each other. That's crucial for you and will help you way beyond you can imagine. Just do it. I've started by searching google with all questions I had about life, girls, love. Don't prejudge anything. Go with whatever speaks to your heart.
If it feels good - you're on the right way!!!
4. Lack of sex IS the reason for you unwillingness to live. Sex is life force in our body. Once that vital enrgey is surpressed and block inside of us, all of the universe becomes meaningless!!! I want you to notice a very important point: These two problems are circularly dependant!!! They CREATE EACH OTHER. You are caught in a loop of no sex - no life desire - no sex - and so on. One sure way to break out of this miserable loop was given to you in part 2 in my answer. :-)
I could write here a whole book for you, but I think you got enough. I will finish with a quote of Tyler Durden (fight club, (RSD one is also highly recommended)): "It's only after you've lost everything, that you are free to do anything."
Have an awesome journey.
[+] [-] robotkilla|10 years ago|reply
I almost killed myself about two years ago. Have had depression since I was a kid. I saw a doctor, got on meds, went to a therapist and started feeling slightly better for about a year on and off. ive been stuck in the same location for a long time... Was hoping to change that last year but all I could do was fail job interviews (in part because I was trying to wean off my meds).
There is no success part to my story yet but you are not alone. Do see a doctor and don't feel like a failure if you find out you are depressed.
[+] [-] rasengan0|10 years ago|reply
[+] [-] TurboHaskal|10 years ago|reply