Ask HN: Burned out. How can I make the most of a sabbatical leave?

[PostBurnout]

I was in denial about burnout for a long time, thinking that it was something that I just have to push myself through, and everything would be okay when it's over. But I recently read the description from jacquesm (http://jacquesmattheij.com/Are+you+suffering+from+burn-out) and it hit me hard. I'm in a state of shock over how much control I've ceded to this madness. Now the work is winding down, many co-workers have left for greener pastures, and my productivity is asymptotically approaching zero.

I've just asked my boss for a 1-year sabbatical, but I haven't chosen a start date for it, and I'm already suffering from analysis paralysis over what to do. I'm not ready for a new job or project -- I'm in no shape to work. I could travel, but my problems will just follow me around the world. I could volunteer, but I'm so emotionally empty that there's no heart for me to pour anywhere. I could do anything... and yet I'm somehow mentally and physically exhausted from doing little more than clock-watching and perfunctory bullshit (I wasn't this way before and can't believe that I've descended to this).

I don't have any goals or plans (or if I ever did, I've long since forgotten them). The perfect opportunity could be staring me in the face and I wouldn't notice it, or I'd talk myself out of it for fear of screwing it up.

Meanwhile, I've been self-medicating with classical music, long walks along the beach, science fiction novels, Internet addiction, and LOTS of sleep (9+ hours/day). It numbs the pain a bit, but otherwise doesn't seem to be helping.

Even more disturbing is that lately I've noticed myself engaging in perverse escape fantasies about what I might do (and then I'd catch myself and have a Who are you kidding?! moment):

- I'd ride my bike across the continent from Vancouver to Halifax (I don't own a bicycle and haven't ridden one in years)

- I'd travel to Antarctica and cuddle with penguins (I'm complaining about the unbearable winter cold in Southern California)

- I'd join a grassroots protest movement and bring down oppressive regimes (I'm too scared even to donate to Wikileaks)

- I'd dedicate myself to volunteer work in the places of the world most in need of help (I don't even pick up the litter I see on the street, and my lifetime charitable contributions total to less than US $1000)

- I'd earn a PhD, publish papers in prestigious journals, and achieve a research breakthrough (I flunked a couple of classes during college and probably survived my M.S. due to grade inflation)

- I'd found a startup, make products and services that people love, build überscale infrastructure using ultracool tech, and cash out for a fortune (I can't even refactor this putrid pile of Java in front of me)

- I'd become a virtuoso musician, competitive athlete, bestselling author, award-winning chef, whatever (I've spent the last 10 years working to become a better programmer and I still suck)

- I'd disappear into some misty mountain in a remote part of the world and live out my days as an ascetic hermit (I'm here on HN begging for advice like a whiny, attention-seeking brat)

And so I stop. These aren't real goals; I recognize them as daydreaming. I'm already defeated before I've even begun.

What I think I need is some time to do some serious soul-searching, and I doubt that a mere change of employment or environment is sufficient, since true change has to come from within. But anything more specific than that and I'm lost.

What I fear is that I might just be fundamentally lazy, and my lack of a plan will doom me to failure, whereupon I'll spend the rest of my life as damaged goods, unmotivated, unproductive, unemployable, unwanted and useless.

I'm not looking for sympathy. I just hope someone can kick some sense into me, help me see the light, and make best use of my time to recover.

[SandB0x]

Do you have a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend? Are you tied down to anything? Do you have money to travel? I'm going to assume you're a single male between the age of 25 and 35.

The right ideas will slowly come to you, but getting some perspective is essential and that's not going to come from sitting in your apartment staring at your laptop. The two things I suggest are:

* Exercise. Mens sana in corpore sano. Lift some weights. Run, cycle. Anything. Be yourself, only better (as seen on a t-shirt). You will not believe how much regular exercise will change your state of mind.

* Travel. Get out of town. Get out of your hole. Get some perspective. Even if you just go to stay with some relatives in another city for a few weeks. If you can afford the flights, go somewhere warm and cheap and bask in the sun like a lizard. Meet some strangers. Make friends. Talk to girls. Read, eat, drink.

I wish you the best of luck, and please let us know how you get on.

Edit: I also really, really recommend reading Siddhartha by Herman Hesse. It will definitely help shape your thoughts, and it's a very quick read.

[PostBurnout]

Do you have a wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend? Are you tied down to anything? Do you have money to travel? I'm going to assume you're a single male between the age of 25 and 35.

Correct on all counts -- nothing tying me down, and my rainy day fund can keep me fed, clothed, and sheltered for years.

I actually get a decent amount of exercise -- minimum 40 minutes per day, I'd estimate. It certainly has plenty of benefits, but the energy seems to evaporate once I get down in front of my keyboard again.

I definitely can go out and change things, but I think my mindset is holding me back. It's almost like I would be doing with the expectation that this would "fix" me, and that anything short of that would be a waste.

Yes, yes, I know I'll regret the things I didn't do. But I fear that I'm setting myself up for failure this way with unrealistic expectations.

[peterb]

+1 on exercise. Endorphins are nature's anti-depressant.

[kabuks]

After my burnout, I quit my job at Microsoft. Rented my house. Paid $2000 for a bright orange vw bus, and drove south.

I ended up at Esalen for almost 6 months in their work/study program

http://www.esalen.org/workshops/workstudy.html

I worked in an organic garden overlooking the pacific picking/planting food that we ate the same day for 32 hours a week.

And had cheap access to incredible massage/yoga/healing programs, and the support of intelligent and conscious people who were also trying to find their center again.

Best thing I ever did, and I highly recommend it.

My advice: Give yourself time. I believe we are all fundamentally good and have the will and energy to work and express ourselves in the world. Sometimes, it's ok to rest and step back, and find our grounding again. Give yourself that permission.

[ebiester]

I've taken two. The first one (10 months) I met my boyfriend, spent a couple weeks in Paris, and generally did nothing of importance. It's exactly what I needed. That's okay!

The second one (8 months), I tried a startup but didn't get far. (I am not the type for a large solo project.) I spent two months in Turkey. I wrote a third of a novel (that I'm still working on.) I worked on learning Turkish.

Honestly, I'm not ashamed that I didn't do anything of major value. I found true love, that was enough for me. :)

[Confusion]

  did nothing of importance

I think this one is very good advice. Allow yourself to do nothing you consider important and don't feel guilty about 'wasting time' or any of that.

[peregrine]

I'd found a startup, make products and services that people love, build überscale infrastructure using ultracool tech, and cash out for a fortune (I can't even refactor this putrid pile of Java in front of me)

The reason you can't re-factor the pile java in front of you is because you don't really care about it. If its a startup and something you own, something you create then its likely to be easier to get yourself to work on it. And the code will be new and not carry all the horrible baggage that old java tends to.

You discount yourself too much, you clearly are smart, and you clearly are a hard worker(otherwise why would your boss let you go for a year) and you clearly know a thing or two about things you care about. Get out and do something, anything -you- care about.

[Tichy]

Maybe you should do one of these things, as it sounds like you have some serious self esteem issues. I bet you you could manage to get a bicycle and even manage to ride it. There are people running marathons without any preparation, after all (not that I'd recommend that, but I don't know).

I've discussed my problem with a fellow procrastinator recently and we agreed that this feeling of "I won't finish what I start anyway" was a major contributing factor.

Granted, some things on your list sound easier than others. Namely the bicycle thing. I suppose you need some planning for such a big project. On the other hand, if you just jump into it, you'll probably figure out quickly what you need. If you have some money left, you can always just stop at some bicycle gear shop by the road and get what you need.

And even if you fail (take a flight home), it doesn't seem like such a catastrophe.

You could combine the bicycle thing with the grassroots protest by simply claiming that you are "cycling for cause X" (I never understood those, but lot's of people do that and it seems to work). Hm, maybe I could eat chocolate to help save the whales?

A startup could work, if you chose something else than Java. But it might be more beneficial to do something entirely different than your day job.

[yesno]

Travel.

1) Your problem will be there for a few days but will most likely be forgotten in weeks.

2) Bring a notebook, write your journeys in detail. The food you eat, the tea you drink.

3) Observe local culture.

4) Take a lot of pictures.

Basically, try to forget your day job.

If you travel, I'd suggest you to go to Asia (Japan, Korea, China, India, and SE. Asia countries such as Malaysia, Singapore, and Indonesia). Go to a place with rich culture. Spend a few weeks or even months there.

Those pictures and stories would hopefully make you feel better on your gloomy days.

I've been living in North America for almost 10 years (in particular Vancouver) and the cities get boring quickly. Lack of personality and culture. Asia is completely different; more vibrant.

More importantly: change your perspective on how to live life.

[quadrant6]

I'm in a similar situation. I haven't left work and can't afford to but came very close to quitting even though I had nothing else to go to, just because it was making me sick and so stressed.

I still plan to leave but now am at a point where things are more manageable so I have time to plan what I'll change my career to. Whereas 1-2yrs ago, I was feeling very low, totally tired all the time, quite depressed etc.

Here are my 2 cents and what helped me:

• Try and find a girlfriend, online dating can be useful. Failing that a female travel partner. This is a big one and made a huge difference for me. The first girl I meet was really not right for me, I mean we had nothing in common but it didn't matter. It's all experience. I regret now not taking opportunities to meet girls earlier when I could have, just because I was scared.

• Travel is good, yes your problems will be with you but you will be seriously distracted, forced to look at new things, experience new things and gain new perspectives. I personally don't think it matters where you go. If it were me, I'd go to a few different places with a rough idea but try to avoid planning too much (like me, that probably goes against your nature!).

• Give the computer a break.

• Exercise is all good and necessary but not the key in itself. Though I can reccomend surfing - I started to learn and even though I totally suck, there is something about it. The message is: if you can find a form of exercise you really enjoy, so much the better,

• Don't be afraid to party sometimes, perhaps you don't have the sort of friends to do this with right now. But if you get the opportunity to go out, have a good time and get drunk do it (occasionally).

• Meditation: yep, mindfulness. Try getting some books on Zen, Adviata or by Krishnamurti.

[ngom]

I have read the great suggestions written so far - exercise, travel, etc. Great, I hope something hits the mark.

I have two things to suggest. I hope they help. If I'm being blunt, I apologise.

1. Simplify your thinking.

If you have a habit of overly abstract thought, you can make problems more complicated than they need to be. You could say it's a bit like spiritual java programming.

For instance, aims such as "become a virtuoso musician" don't mean anything. They lack concreteness. "become ascetic monk on mountain top". Also intangible.

You say you recognise them as daydreaming. But your whole way of thinking is daydreaming - "What I think ..", "What I fear ...", "doom", "failure". All abstract daydreaming. Do something about it. Stop daydreaming.

Make a promise to yourself: you will reject thoughts that don't have a tangible aspect you can act on immediately. They are tiring you. Let your brain rest awhile. And if you have to think about problems, think about other peoples' problems not your own.

That means real, tangible people. It could be anyone. This is not a moral injunction. It's practical - if you look to see how you can help other people it requires empathy and if you develop empathy you start to see other patterns of thought. It may help you see different ways of thinking and get you out of your rut.

Only think a few days in advance. Reject all thoughts of the future for a while.

2. Tone down the ambition.

You imagine a virtuouso musician or some epic bike journey, some massive startup. Therefore anything you actually you do seems crap in comparison - attempts noodling on the piano or going for a small bike ride around the neighbourhood seem silly. Trivial. Pointless. Why bother? Stop comparing yourself and your life to your daydreams (see point 1).

I write this because this is what helped me. Please ignore it if it doesn't feel right.

Best of luck, I wish you all the best.

[PostBurnout]

Please do be blunt! I'm more than willing to have my feelings hurt to learn something that may be helpful here.

That said, I did give a very long and audible sigh when reading your post. It feels like a cop out, but perhaps one day I'll have to accept my own mediocrity.

[websockr]

Work on filling your emotional (motivational etc whatever you want to call it) gas tank and develop a process to keep the energy coming in the same as the energy going out.

How I've found that people (myself included) get into burnout is that they work their hardest on things with no positive emotional feedback. (such as completing a physics phd or dare I say programming for a startup pre-launch) Its not about toughness or anything here, that "some people just cant cut it." What is going is that the people that stay afloat have family, friends, hobbies and fun to keep them going.

What I would do is the following:

1. Identify the things emptying your gas tank (programming is extremely taxing after long periods of time)

2. Identify the things filling your gas tank (... as I said earlier ... friends, family, hobbies and fun with them)

3. Make sure you are working out, eating right and sleeping decent hours. (if your body's hormonal systems are going to be a help not a hurt they need to be taken care of)

4. Work on adjusting your balance much towards the fun stuff for a while and less from the draining stuff.

5. Slowly integrate some more draining stuff making sure the filling stuff isn't coming in faster on average.

I've burned out before, and this is how I got out of it. I wish you the best of luck here and hope to follow your way out.

[ankeshk]

1. Join the slow movement.

http://www.slowmovement.com/

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Slow_Movement

2. Meet a lot of new folks. Find meetups happening that have nothing to do with your field. Buy lunch to one new person everyday and have long conversations. Go on a road trip maybe to meet and connect with all your old college friends.

3. Read good fiction. Read magazines that have nothing to do with your interests.

4. Travel. But without fix leaving dates. Slow leisure travel.

5. Eat healthy. Exercise. Sleep well.

Inspiration for this post taken from the quote:

"There are four ways to know much: live for many years; travel through many lands; read many good books; and converse with wise friends." - Baltasar Gracián

[PostBurnout]

Wow, that's an interesting link. I can't figure out how to make this slow stuff work yet, but it definitely looks appealing.

[clarkevans]

Take 2 weeks off. Do nothing. Meditate. Breathe. Plant Flowers. Take long, exceptionally pointless walks -- if you find yourself thinking about anything, stop, and look up at the clouds till you recover.

[socksy]

And get rid of the huge sleep deficit that everyone in the western working world appears to have accumulated. 9+ hours might seem a lot, and you might feel like you're wasting time - but really it's your body trying to catch up. Let it.

[PostBurnout]

if you find yourself thinking about anything, stop, and look up at the clouds till you recover

I'll definitely have to try that more often! (Though there's a good chance it'll be stars rather than clouds...)

[petervandijck]

"I could travel, but my problems will just follow me around the world."

They might look and feel different though.

[PostBurnout]

You know... that sounds simple and cheesy, but I think it might just be what I need to regain my curiosity. Thank you!

[_corbett]

Retire early and often is my motto. I've now been through my third (fourth?) sabbatical. My advice: keep yourself busy but allow for spontaneity, you don't have to pack it all into one sabbatical, and multitask in your actions (i.e. you can choose activities and locations that fulfill several fun things you've been meaning to try). Realize that it's not a picnic and even if you sit at home it's going to be tough; you don't go through personal growth without some pain.

For ideas (and possibly even inspiration) of what might be possible in a few sabbaticals: I took a year in Denmark between high school and college, learned Danish, how to paint, and toured Germany with an orchestra playing the clarinet (which I had also just learned). I also developed a taste in music by going through an entire library's worth of records in alphabetical order among other adventures, including backpacking on my own for some months.

I took a year between my undergrad and my Master's, in which I worked for a software project I was passionate about, traveled the Middle East, taught programming in Jerusalem to Palestinian high school students, and studied Arabic and Topology at Harvard.

I took a year between my Master's and beginning my PhD, in which I worked as an astronomer in Switzerland, founded a startup in the bay area, and did a ridiculous amount of traveling stateside.

In addition I've taken a few month(s) here and there... moved to the Arctic to work for a startup, to Egypt to scuba dive and study Arabic, etc.

Think positive and big! Best of luck in your adventures! BTW I am not rich or independently wealthy, just was very creative out of necessity at finding external funding sources. All of the above were self-financed in this manner.

[keeptrying]

Hi, Could you elaborate. I'm sure a lot of people would find the information you have useful.

How did you make money? What tips do you have for people who are about to do this? How did you deal with the loneliness of solo travel? Or is this just in my head?

[commanda]

I recommend that you see a therapist. My therapist's practice is mindfullness-based, which I highly recommend. One of the things I've learned is how to look at all my own italicized parenthetical statements as the bullshit excuses they are. The monkey-mind is what's making up all those stories that you tell yourself about why X is impossible -- it's telling you that you can't possibly found a startup because you've had difficulties refactoring some Java? Come on now. Just pick one of those goals and go for it. Don't pay attention to any of your excuses.

A wise friend once told me "If someone else can do it, you can totally do it."

[PostBurnout]

I'm actually quite aware that I'm distorting things with these "bullshit excuses" but they seem so believable, much more so than their negation! It'll probably take deliberate practice to unlearn this habit.

[electromagnetic]

In my opinion you've probably worked too long and pushed too hard in a job that doesn't let your brain shut off. I get into similar situations when I'm focusing on my writing, I get to the point that I just can't shut my brain off. I'll resort to trying to relax, but I end up reading news and doing things that just keep my brain in that point of over exertion.

I resort to physical work, it still requires me to keep my focus but it doesn't require me to think nearly as much, in fact I'll find myself zoning out completely. I hand wash dishes and it gets me into the same zone where I don't have to think for 30-minutes.

If you've got property and you'll have no work commitments I would suggest learning how to maintain your property, there's lots of physical work that will release your mind and keep you away from things (IE technology) that will keep your mind in that exhausted state.

Build a shed, you'd be surprised how difficult it is to actually get it to sit level. You'll have to work the ground, then frame it and then side the walls and shingle the roof. It can be especially daunting if you've never done this sort of work, but it may be worth it to learn because not only is there economic benefits (IE you can do the work yourself rather than pay the 6x mark up companies charge from the cost of materials for this work) but 5 years down the line when you start recognizing you're feeling a bit burnt out you could use the skills you've learnt to put up a fence or something.

Physical work also has the added benefit that it helps your diet and metabolism, both of which can contribute to that burnout feeling. I'm not saying your diet will improve, I'm saying you're likely to end up eating more protein and fat, which certainly helps me. I always get into that burn-out feeling when I start eating more carbs.

[PostBurnout]

I appreciate your suggestion, though I think I'm in deeper trouble than that. Mindless physical work like gardening seems to free up cycles for me to ruminate, which I have to actively suppress (à la "He took a duck in the face at 250 knots" -- http://books.google.com/books?id=-O3r6D1KutAC&pg=PT36...).

[mbesto]

Travel - Go somewhere that makes zero sense. It will make sense when you get there and when you leave.

Athletics - Pick something that is so far out of your reach that it doesn't make sense why you would do it. For example, I just signed up for a double-marathon without having ever done a marathon first.

[PostBurnout]

That's kind of scary. How would I know that I'm not setting myself up for failure by putting up an impossible goal like that?

[techiferous]

Diagnose what is causing your burnout.

Is it your own beliefs and attitudes about work? If so, changing jobs won't help. Are your work responsibilities so large that you don't have time or mental energy for other things in your life? If so, changing jobs would help. Is your diet messing with your brain chemistry? If so, changes in your diet would help. If the causes of your burnout are in the circumstances of your job, then the sabbatical will only help temporarily. Coming back to the job will reintroduce the causes and you'll see the effects of burnout again.

If you are able to diagnose the causes well, sometimes only small changes are needed to ameliorate the problem. If you don't diagnose well, you may end up making a large change without much positive effect.

For the past two years I've been in the habit of tracking my mood every half-day along with a short sentence or two of what was going on. This process has been great in getting me in touch with what tends to stress me out or make me happy. I'd recommend starting a habit like this.

[Mz]

With sleeping nine hours a day and wondering if you are just "lazy", let me suggest that you look at your health as a possible root cause. I was diagnosed late in life with a relatively mild form of a serious, life-threatening medical condition. I was called "lazy" my whole life because I lacked the energy of people around me. Dietary changes, lifestyle changes and such have done a lot for my health and I am getting my life back.

Also, I was a homemaker for a long time. I didn't join the "9 to 5" club until relatively recently. Go do something with a different relationship to time. It can be very mentally and emotionally freeing. I think that is part of the theme of your "escapist fantasies": A completely different kind of schedule/lifestyle/relationship to time and the world. Those can very much be good things.

Good luck with this.

[gcheong]

"I'm not ready for a new job or project -- I'm in no shape to work. I could travel, but my problems will just follow me around the world. I could volunteer, but I'm so emotionally empty that there's no heart for me to pour anywhere."

One thing that might help here is to understand that motivation generally follows action. If you wait until you feel motivated to do something you might end up waiting a long time, or until some external pressure forces you, or you will fall into the trap of only doing things that give you immediate pleasures. So once you've taken care of your immediate physical needs, make some kind of longer term goal - do that bike ride, do some charity work, start a small project, it can be anything but do something.

[random42]

Travel. Explore yourself and the world. Meet new people, learn their culture.Learn new languages. Eat new cuisines. Read other religions. See documentaries. Watch old classics. Join an art class. Exercise. Do something out of your comfort zone

Do NOT do anything remotely close to your profession, there more to life than picking up a new programming language to learn.