Ask HN: What is it like to be old? What advice would you give to younger people?
In your experience, what is it like to be or grow old (whatever your definition of old is) from the physical health aspect and the general frailty of the aging human body?
What are the health related struggles that have come into your life or have gotten worse because of increased age and how have you dealt with them?
With your experience and knowledge, what would you advise younger people (or even your own younger self of decades past, if you could)?
[+] [-] irvingprime|5 years ago|reply
My boss is younger than I am and is absolutely sure he knows more about my job than I do, even though I've been doing it since before he was born and he never did it at all.
People on TV keep trying to sell me stuff like Metamucil, some new kind of cane or similar silly gadget, or a scam investment, none of which I want.
My grandkids can't understand why I can't read things they're holding right in front of my face until I've spent twenty minutes finding, then cleaning, my glasses.
My wife has heard all of my jokes and all of my excuses. She now criticizes the former and laughs at the latter, instead of the other way around.
My friends sound like cranky old sticks-in-the-mud who wish they could turn back the clock to a time that wasn't nearly as wonderful as they claim to remember it was.
A trip to the supermarket now tires me out and instead of going out with (surviving) friends, I really look forward to taking a nap on the couch. Really.
The celebrities I recognize are senile and/or decrepit. The ones who are currently popular are appalling.
I don't have enough money to retire but dream of it every day (See the above comment about my boss).
Life is fantastic, except when it's not. Whichever it is now, pretty soon, it will be the other one.
My advice: Pay attention.
[+] [-] ryandrake|5 years ago|reply
The older I get the less it matters to me what other people think of me, which is liberating. When I was younger, people's impression of me was my problem. Now that I'm older, people's impression of me is their problem.
I always thought getting out-of-touch would be embarrassing, but it doesn't bother me at all. Pop culture is toxic.
I'm less interested in impressing people.
TV is marketed to a different demographic and appeals to me less and less as I age, which has freed up an enormous amount of wasted time.
I'm more and more suspicious of new products, not excited by them.
The older I get the more I value self-sufficiency and the less I believe in "we're all in it together".
Even though I try to stay tolerant, as I get older, the "woke overton window" moves faster than I can change my biases and prejudices. I can't keep up.
The thing that scares me the most about old age is that my health is going to hit a brick wall, and that I'm not taking good enough care of my body.
I'm most anxious/nervous about retirement: I think every day about retiring and exactly what I need to do and save to get there, and I wish thought about it that seriously in my 20s and 30s.
[+] [-] nujabe|5 years ago|reply
>I don't have enough money to retire but dream of it every day (See the above comment about my boss).
Software development (assuming you are are a developer) is a very well paid profession, and has been for many decades. This is the only profession where people who are 4 years out of school are often given 'senior', 'staff' titles, even at the most prestigious companies.
Have you been underpaid for a few decades or have you had some bad financial investments etc? Not sure if this is too personal but I was just curious.
[+] [-] gautamcgoel|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] nullsense|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] sizzle|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jfoutz|5 years ago|reply
Second, it's ok to let things slide for a while, but the longer you let them slide, the tougher they are to fix (and if you wait too long, some things can't be fixed). See plenty of other comments about teeth, back, RSI, diet. If you decide to let something go for a while, pick a time to follow up on it, and reevaluate.
Third, problems get bigger, stakes get higher. But you'll learn more tricks for coping with those problems. Sorta grim, but suicide rates by age climb till 50ish. around then you'll have (sorta) seen it all, there's not much that the world can throw at you that'll put you in a complete tailspin.
I can't tell you how to live your life. I'd suggest, be true to yourself, be true to your ethics. If you don't know what those are yet, try to figure out who you are. When you're stuck in a stressful situation, at the end do you want to feel vindicated? do you want to have a great outcome for everyone? do you want to just leave it all behind? Do you want to just grit your teeth and get through it? Those all point to different values, and can help you figure out who you are.
Some people age gracefully and some don't. some people get to make choices about that, and some don't. It's going to be ok. Everybody gets through their life one way or another.
[+] [-] Viliam1234|5 years ago|reply
This. You will forget the people who hurt you. But you will remember the people you hurt. You will accept the things you tried and failed. But you will regret not trying. Going against your ethics will leave scars on your soul, and the reasons for doing so will seem so stupid in hindsight.
But it takes some time to find your true ethics, and separate it from merely what other people say you should do.
[+] [-] sanju2306|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] mark_l_watson|5 years ago|reply
A good thing is that I mostly no longer care much about changing other people's opinions on things. I certainly enjoy talking and expressing myself but if someone listens to me then that is sufficient - they don't have to agree with me. It works the other way also: even if I disagree with someone, I can enjoy hearing what they say.
I retired 1 1/2 years ago and have been enjoying having lots of time to read, write books, spend time with friends and family, and hiking. That said, just yesterday I verbally agreed to a job offer for work that was just too interesting to pass up. Assuming that the employment contract looks good, then I am all-in.
My advice is to not worry about getting old, just make sure that you enjoy your life as much as possible. There are sayings about living life one day at a time, but that seems too coarse grained. I would suggest enjoying every minute of your life, and if you are not happy right now, this instant, then file a bug report with yourself. You can't do good work if you are not totally into the moment of what you are doing. You can't enjoy listening to someone if you are inside your own head and not giving that person your full attention. Play time and family/friend time are wasted if you are thinking about wanting to be doing something else.
Thanks for posing a good question.
[+] [-] syndacks|5 years ago|reply
What kind of books did you write?
[+] [-] wraptile|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] eludwig|5 years ago|reply
These 2 things can make a huge quality of life difference once you are past 40. I would also add your eyes, but there is not a lot you can do about that one! Almost everyone needs reading glasses by 40. Glasses suck, but you get used to it.
Psychologically, the best I can say is to forgive yourself for any stupid things you did when you were young. Try to be as kind to yourself as you would be to others. I think of this as the "inverse golden rule." Really important as you get older, because regrets and self-doubt pile up otherwise.
[+] [-] Lendal|5 years ago|reply
You feel exactly the same, only with less time left. You're still you. You still feel the same. You still want to experience all the same things and achieve. But now with less time, you have to start triaging some goals and face reality.
I remember thinking I have all the time in the world. Now I don't. So I guess that's the main difference.
Also, I used to hold the illusion that I'd always have my family and parents to talk to. But that's not true either.
[+] [-] obynio|5 years ago|reply
This. I used to think that way, then I lost my dad from cancer on my 20's. That's when you reflect on all the things you'll never be able to experience together.
Although I'm only 24 and still young, my piece of advice would be to enjoy your family to the fullest, because no one knows what tomorrow will bring.
[+] [-] srtjstjsj|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] null_deref|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] teraku|5 years ago|reply
Just the realization that life is not limitless
[+] [-] softwaredoug|5 years ago|reply
How to do this is of course hard. Meditation helps me. Relationships. Balancing my consumption of news. Staying away from histrionic people that drive that anxiety (read Twitter). Taking a break from that which bothers me (developing hobbies and other interests).
Even as I get older I increasingly have a sense that all attempts to control will be resisted by others. Even when you have their best interests at heart. People willfully, sometimes ignorantly make their own big mistakes to resist being controlled. Sometimes though we’re not as smart as we think we are. This applies to so many situations, including work, politics, and parenting!
In work situations I am conscious more and more of wanting to lead by following, stepping back, let other people be in charge and get the glory. It’s really the most sustainable path for a sane life. Instead of doing, teach. Instead of teach, listen to other people’s wisdom. Paradoxically by being silent and non-action can sometimes have the biggest impact.
[+] [-] andreilys|5 years ago|reply
The impact may not always be positive. In some cases you are uniquely situated to lead, and by turning the opportunity down you create a vacuum for a less savory character to take place and inflict pain onto others.
[+] [-] awinder|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] non-entity|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jedberg|5 years ago|reply
If you spend your youth having fun and enjoying your youth, then when you get to middle age you'll have wished you worked harder and saved more so you could be wealthy and comfortable.
If you work your butt off in your youth and have lots of money and successful career, you'll wish you spent more time relaxing and having fun in your youth.
The key is finding a good balance between working hard and playing hard. Your career won't suffer if you take a week long vacation. Your health will be fine if you sometimes volunteer to do a weekend shift. Do both and you can be successful and happy about how you spent your youth.
[+] [-] kinkrtyavimoodh|5 years ago|reply
Weigh yourself at least once a week in a consistent fashion (say, in the morning after peeing and pooping). If you notice your weight drifting up (> 1 lb over long-term baseline) for two weeks, do a quick audit of your diet, cut on excess sugar, carbs etc. until it's back to the baseline.
It's relatively trivial to lose 1-2lbs over a few weeks. But doing it once you are 50 lbs overweight will be one of the hardest things you will do, coz you will feel like shit on most days.
Also, if you have not generally been athletic in your youth, beware of doing extreme bulk-cut cycles to gain muscle in your 30s and later. It's easy to gain fat, hard to gain muscle, and you are much more likely to end up just fat while convincing yourself you are 'bulking'.
[+] [-] rikroots|5 years ago|reply
2. Anyone who tells you they know what they're doing - they're lying. There's no instruction manual to life. There's no Grand Design or plan or destiny or whatever. Everybody around you is making it up - somehow making life work - as they go through each hour of the day, each day of the year. What works for someone else might work for you. Or it might not. It's your adventure: go live it!
3. In spite of (2) above, learn to listen. Really listen. Open your ears, then open them again. It's how you learn stuff. Taker time to listen to people who you wouldn't normally listen to - like people you take for granted. A lot of the stuff you get to learn will be really useful - often in very unexpected ways. A lot of it will be of no use to you whatsoever, but the act of being listened to may have a profound effect on the person you're listening to. You never know - that person might just turn into your next Good Friend.
4. Growing old - it hurts. A lot. It hurts your confidence; it hurts your self-image. It hurts your bones and muscles in ways you never imagined it could hurt. I think there's a lesson in this, but I haven't managed to learn it yet. I particularly hate my bladder when it wakes me up at Stupid O'Clock because I forgot the lesson about not drinking hot beverages too close to bedtime.
5. Power naps, on the other hand - they're cool!
[+] [-] lozf|5 years ago|reply
Be grateful, - at least it actually wakes you!
Not sure if it's just age, or other factors but I've certainly seen people who don't always wake up in time.
Your first point also resonated with me and reminded me of this:
"One of the lessons we can learn from history is that people always move on. Sometimes after just a little while, sometimes after years of love and affection. Sometimes unexpectedly, But always.
[+] [-] Smaug123|5 years ago|reply
I paraphrase: "Learn to classify people into three categories: givers, sharers, and takers. Surround yourself with givers. Sharers are also acceptable. Cut out the takers as quickly as you can."
A verbatim follow-on quote: "Takers make a beeline for givers. The needy are always anxious to drain the emotions and finances of those who are givers, before somehow or other they move on to sponge elsewhere, leaving givers to wonder at their own foolishness."
(Edit: apparently people don't want advice from older people to younger people if it's not the older person giving it. I can only apologise. It's the primary piece of concrete actionable life advice I remember that was given to me by anyone more than three times my age.)
[+] [-] kondu|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] lukejduncan|5 years ago|reply
1) Be a sharer, but prefer givers as friends
OR
2) Be a taker.
[+] [-] inglor_cz|5 years ago|reply
Do take care of your health. Really, do. Even though genetic makeup of our bodies obviously plays a role, at my age the gap between people who care and people who don't starts resembling a chasm. You have slender and vital fortysomethings that still hike in the mountains and you have 400lb T2 diabetes sufferers who have hard time tying their shoelaces. Don't strive to be the second type. Imprisoning yourself in sick body is not cool.
Some substances like tobacco, alcohol and sugar are emphatically bad for you, especially in quantities that we tend to consume. Our modern society is all about overconsumption, so buyer, beware. Having a piece of cake every few weeks is OK, but you will be driven into making it a daily habit, unless you resist the pressure. Resist it.
There is one more reason to keep yourself healthy. There are absolutely fantastic treatments in the research pipeline. Stem cell regeneration, genetic modifications etc. Some of those will fizzle out in the testing phase, but some will not, and those that prove themselves will change what "aging" even means. In 2050, heart attacks, atherosclerosis and cancers may be as rare as scurvy is today. Today's middle aged and young people will probably have much better silver years than anyone before.
But you really need to survive the next decade(s) to make use of those developments.
[+] [-] thorin|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] the_resistence|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] throwawayamzn1|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tasty_freeze|5 years ago|reply
Health - for me, health it isn't about living a long time, it is living with self sufficiency and minimizing pain. I am not afraid of death, but I am afraid of the years of infirmity which often precedes it. I'm afraid of living the end of my life without my wife, but even more afraid of leaving her to finish life alone.
Regrets - I wasted too many years missing opportunities for fear of disappointing my parents or (later) risking appearing foolish. I assume HN has a higher than normal mix of introverts, so maybe you can relate.
Urgency - turning 30, 40, even 50 didn't phase me; I felt young and time seemed endless. But in the past five years the switch has flipped. In 14 years I'll be 70. The mortality curve is tilting up dramatically; friends and family will have died (perhaps me too). Many of the things that I always wanted to do will not be possible, so I had better attend to them now. There are far too many such desires, so triaging what is most important takes up more of time.
Work/life - I'll do my job competently and I'll leave it to the younger folks to be the hero at work. I think back on the deadline death marches and jumping on grenades to get projects back on schedule ... and every one of those deadlines was a sham. The products I sacrificed so much for were in the discount bin a year later.
[+] [-] dave_sid|5 years ago|reply
- I’m only just beginning to recognise this. I checked myself out from hospital early this year to join a standup meeting, to make sure the project was on schedule. Thinking about that now makes me angry. It was pointless.
[+] [-] tompark|5 years ago|reply
Same experience here. I can't blame the companies though.
I was essentially a workaholic for decades. I wanted to believe I had a noble mission to fulfill, aka "true believer" or "clueless" àla Gervais Principle. It took me a long time to realize this attitude was incredibly damaging and wasteful. It's tantamount to smoking or other major self-destructive behavior.
[+] [-] ecmascript|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] tchaffee|5 years ago|reply
Time does start passing quicker. Perhaps the brain slows down and you capture fewer frames per second, but the end result is you start to learn how important it is to prioritize to avoid having spent your precious time on trivial things instead of meaningful things.
Time is infinitely valuable compared to money. Do the math. You can always earn more money, but you will run out of time. Does that contradict my first statement? No. When you're older you'll want enough money to be able to spend your time as you wish.
The vast majority of things you think are of the utmost priority now will seem trivial looking back on them ten years later. If you can learn this early it makes it far easier to remain rational about your decisions and how much things are worth.
Your body will start getting in the way of things you want to accomplish. You'll get tired sooner, you'll have health problems that interrupt your momentum or require long periods of recovery, it will be frustrating to struggle at things that were once easy. Don't wait too late to do the things you are truly passionate about. Retirement might be too late.
[+] [-] japhyr|5 years ago|reply
The second is to find some new, significant challenge in each decade of life. Learning new things keeps us humble and alive. In my twenties I focused on teaching and long-distance bicycle travel. In my thirties I moved to Alaska and began doing mountain rescue work. In my forties I wrote a book, changed careers, and learned to drive a boat on the ocean. Each of these new experiences made me feel like I was 20 again, taking me far outside my comfort zone. In future decades I hope to learn a musical instrument well, and travel internationally. I'd also like to take another long bicycle trip and live without a motor for an extended period again.
There is great joy in growing old; it's much better than the alternative. :)
[+] [-] jeffrallen|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] ljnelson|5 years ago|reply
[+] [-] jimhefferon|5 years ago|reply
Three in the morning and a kid with 105 who has been throwing up for a day and you have to decide what to do. A crappy apartment but making a morgage would be a real stretch, no fun for years, and you need to work it out. A job you want but in a place far away from family and friends. These things and many more will be between you and them.
Finding somebody you like, and admire, and who you like to get sexy with, and who has something of the same idea about money as you do, and who wants many of the same things in life, is tough.
[+] [-] stephc_int13|5 years ago|reply
Second, try to understand the power of compound interests as soon as you can. Life is long enough to invest and see the returns. Invest in yourself and in projects with long-term value, don't be seduced by shortcuts and don't be a slave.
Last thing, there is a lot of blind and seemingly unjust randomness in life, it is better to embrace it.
[+] [-] tasuki|5 years ago|reply
Waking up at a regular time and restricting my sleep below what's comfortable has helped very quickly. I'm considering sleeping more, but feeling slightly groggy after sleeping 6.5 hours is way better than spending 10 hours in bed, 3 of them suffering.
Good point wrt unjust randomness, I'm terrible at embracing it. Any tips?
[+] [-] sizzle|5 years ago|reply
You will blink your eyes and be on the other side of the interview table in due time and be thinking the same thing my friend.
[+] [-] person_of_color|5 years ago|reply