Ask HN: How did you move on from past experiences?

[Red_Tarsius]

I recently put an end to a drawn-out and stressful chapter of my life. It lasted many years and I'd like to get a sense of closure. Yet I can't seem to fully rekindle the same energy of my younger self. I've bought a couple of books to celebrate, but I haven't opened them yet because I don't want to taint them with past memories, if it makes sense.

How did you close the previous chapters of your life? It may sound strange but I almost feel I have to ask for permission to move on. Like it's not real unless I share it with someone else.

[Intermernet]

There isn't a quick fix. Time is the answer.

My parents were murdered 16 years ago. I spent 10 years before I could adequately deal with this. CBT was incredibly beneficial once I found the right person, but it took a long time to find them.

The previous chapters of your life cannot be closed. They can only be learnt from.

Remember that life is short and you can waste a lot of it in a bad state.

Talk to friends, do memorable things, try to be a good person.

Do whatever works for you, and ignore negativity. Sport, learning, activism, religion? Whatever works.

Golden rule is don't harm yourself, and don't harm others.

[prox]

Another golden rule I found is to stop trying to “win” , that is a too competitive state of mind. It creates so much stress and you will forget the more poetic and sensual / analog parts of life that can bring much contentment and sometimes joy.

A bit of sportslike ambition is never wrong, just don’t overdo it or take it too seriously.

[moralestapia]

I am truly sorry for what you had to go through, big hug to you and other's here sharing their stories.

I'm sure you already know this, but I'd like to say it explicitly to others that may find it helpful as well -> never forget that life is an infinite display of possibilities, as the saying goes, it ain't over 'til it's over.

You can always start from scratch, there will always be new people/places to try new things with and your past experiences do NOT necessarily define what your future will be like (this goes both ways, so be careful).

Some people make it through extremely harsh life events and, contrary to some dumb but widespread belief, don't come out of it by becoming permanently angry and resented. A big chunk of them become very sensitive and wise human beings, with a strong wish to help others going through similar grievances. Be open to accept their help and advice in times of need. It took me a while to understand this and neglecting it only made my hard times worse. We are a social animal and also remarkably similar to each other.

Best wishes to all on this new year's eve, I hope you get a chance to treat yourselves to a nice moment and company as we start our 2022 together! Cheers!

[hangonhn]

Another vote for CBT.

I had two painful periods of my life that lead to depressions. The first one I dealt with more or less on my own -- basically waiting it out. Eventually I got better and moved on but it took a while.

The second time I went to a therapist almost immediately and the duration was much shorter. More importantly, the therapist helped unpack a lot of stuff for me and gave me a lot of tools for dealing with events and their associated emotions. I think CBT would work particularly well for this crowd since a lot of it is reasoning based. The basic idea, to me at least, is that our emotional responses can be reasoned with or about. If others are like me, I think some of us might harbor mistaken notions that we are more rational than average and thus don't have any misguided tendencies or thinking. CBT was a revelation to me. I learned to better observe my own emotions and also my own "thinking traps", etc. It has helped me better "manage" myself and prevent me from letting events drag me into another depression.

Someone else mentioned forgiveness and that helped me a lot in my own recovery as well. Forgiveness can be applied to others and ourselves. It's ultimately a very enlightening practice.

Best of luck to the OP and others dealing with pain. Closing a chapter on life is very hard but it can also be liberating and a path to other great things in life.

[bag_boy]

Sorry to hear about your parents.

I agree with your point about not harming yourself. After my first parent died, I tried to pretend like it never happened. I drank heavily to ignore the pain. Drinking affected my own physical and mental health. It was tough to break out of that cycle - it took about a year.

After my second parent died, I acknowledged the pain and tried to embrace the grief. I didn’t drink or take drugs - when a memory came to me, I just let it ride. That was a much healthier grieving experience.

[roeles]

Agree with this. Acknowledge-Forgive-Learn.

What worked for me a few years ago:

1. Drop any goals you have outside of work. One day at a time.

2. Allow for extended idle time. Allow yourself to just "be".

3. Do what feels right in this idle time, which in my case was:

  - Spend lots of time in nature. Take walks.

  - Write letters to people involved in the matter. I didn't send the letters.

  - Meditate

[ycuser2]

10 years seems to be a good estimate how long it take to deal with extreme experiences.

In my experience it also was 10 years since I could handle similar situations. I have also heard this number from others often.

[Trufa]

Low key incredible advice. Thank you.

[lighthammer]

Sorry to hear this and hope others can also learn from your advice.

[vanusa]

All you can do is throw yourself headlong into new experiences.

Plus, there's a hack: changing your geographic frame of reference really helps. If you can afford it and are not too attached to where you're living -- and especially if you kind of hate where you're living -- just pick up and move. Ideally to a different climate, perhaps with a different accent or a different language altogether.

At least for a while -- 6 months to a year.

You see your brain is hardwired to 'index' new memories based on sensory cues -- light, colors, smells, sounds... and especially new faces. When these stimuli change, and especially when they all change at once -- it's like our brain opens up a whole new space to operate, and to start organizing all of these new memories and experiences in.

Like turning the page and starting a whole new chapter, as it were.

[ethbr0]

Another variant: if you can afford to and work permits, temporarily relocate somewhere for awhile. Rent a minimal-cost place for a month+.

As one option, look into professional house-sitting (common in US, not sure elsewhere). Essentially, people with high end homes, who are going to be away for a period, who want someone they can trust not to wreck the place to just be there.

But essentially, just live somewhere else for a minute. For me it takes about 5 days to start living instead of visiting.

After my mother's cancer diagnosis, when treatment was in progress but surgery still scheduled some time away, and I had a job I hated, with co-workers whose morals I didn't share... I spent a few weeks in Japan and Thailand. (Mostly paid by reward points, long saved)

It was amazing how refreshing my view on my own life was, from a different vantage point.

When I got back, I quit the job, took some time off with the aid of savings, and spent time with my mom through her treatment. I'm not sure I would have realized that was the right path without the distance. (And it finally resulted in one of the best jobs of my career)

[wnolens]

> changing your geographic frame of reference really helps.

Thanks for saying this. I was stuck and faced my problems head-on for years in therapy (and every day life). More than one therapist I saw for an extended period of time really drove home the point that the "geographical cure" doesn't work because you just bring your problems with you.

But that's an incredibly myopic view. After finally breaking up with those therapists/asshats, I went through a period of being nomadic and then settled elsewhere. Some of my problems went away immediately, some came with me, others appeared. But I was more able to separate myself from my context, process difficult emotions with distance from the triggers, receive the gifts of a new place and its culture, see how different people live/struggle elsewhere.

I don't think there's any other way I could have turned my trajectory around.

[djbelieny]

Indeed. Being through a few traumatic experiences in the first months of 2020, including the sudden death of my dad. I can attest that while it has been hard to let go of some memories and feelings, changing the geographic frame is an absolute hack that works. Look for something completely different, if you live in the city move to the country, if you live in the mountains move to the beach. Allow yourself the new experiences, use your senses to explore the new. In my case, the following also helped:

1) allowed myself to invest and finish a project that had special meaning to me since before the trauma;

2) Got a new dog, learned how to train her as a service dog, and put in the work to get that completed. BONUS: I now have a trained service dog that I love, can take everywhere, and is truly man's best friend.

3) Started small projects which involved my loved ones, which helped me bond and create new memories with each one individually.

Hope this helps. The most important thing is to keep on keeping on. Never give up.

[knuthsat]

That's exactly what my wife did. College was extremely stressful and filled with suffering for her. After it ended, she never felt like it really ended.

But after we moved to a different country she is a completely new person.

[gringoDan]

Actually building something helps a ton: either a project at work, or through hobbies like woodworking, writing, art, comedy, etc.

And the geographic hack is great advice. I moved to a new city following a breakup a few years back and it did wonders for my mental health.

I also recommend journaling: Getting thoughts out of your head and onto a page can provide a sense of closure.

[ohdannyboy]

I have mixed feelings about this. After college I basically tried that by moving from Chicago to Boulder CO. Restructuring my life around the very different area helped (in particular I lost a lot of weight), but my problems all followed me over. It wasn't some reinvention like I wanted it to be. I don't see it as the turning of a chapter more than events in a continuum sitting between a traumatic childhood and realizing I was in it too deep to get out alone.

Things didn't really start to improve until I started going to therapy about five years later. I had actually moved back to Chicago by that point.

[siva7]

Changing the geographic frame is the single most effective way to deal with past experiences. I’ve done it in the past from traumatic experiences and it was always a huge step forward for my mental health!

[cols]

This year, my (not so little) brother committed suicide in an alcohol induced stupor. He did it in his living room while his wife and young children were home, sleeping.

Therapy has been a life saver. The only true way to get "over" trauma or hardship is to get through. There is no getting "over" horrible things that happen to you. You just have to keep on moving forward, one foot in front of the other.

In the meantime, as other have said, find a passion or a hobby that you can pour some time into. Personally, I've found exercise, reading, spending time with my children (and his children), and practicing Stoicism to be very beneficial.

We look for clean lines of demarcation between life events a lot of times, but really, we can't extricate the future from the past so easily. All of us are, in some way, impacted by these critical, good or bad events. There is no escaping this impact; No human is immune to them. I've found the words of Marcus Aurelius to be particularly helpful:

"Here is a rule to remember in future, when anything tempts you to feel bitter: not 'This is misfortune,' but 'To bear this worthily is good fortune.'"

Good luck.

[taylortrusty]

I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine.

[baskethead]

You seem to think that this experience is like a feature flag you can turn on or off.

It’s not.

It’s an intractable part of who you are now. You can’t get rid of it anymore that you can anything else in your life.

Accept that it happened. Forgive whoever was a part of this, including yourself. Move on.

Who you are is who you are from this moment forward. Don’t think you can go back to who you were previously. It’s impossible. Everything new builds off of today. The past may be tainted but not the future. Read those books. You can’t taint them because the taint is in the past and the book is in the future.

[murrayb]

* Seek professional help.

* Build a daily routine of constructive activities (exercise, journal, meditate, cook etc)

* Focus on creating a future you would like.

* Find things to be grateful for every day.

* Don't indulge in your negative thoughts; notice them, acknowledge them, keep going.

Good luck with it, you got this.

[JohnBooty]

    Build a daily routine of constructive 
    activities (exercise, journal, meditate, cook etc)

If anybody is struggling with this extremely positive practice, I have a suggestion: start with really small activities. Give yourself credit for every victory no matter how small.

When I was "between jobs" my daily routine checklist started with:

- Get out of bed

- Hydrate (at least 1L per day, 2L was a stretch goal)

- Take vitamins

- Brush teeth

There was more on the checklist, like actual exercise and training projects. But having "easy wins" really helped me build positive momentum IME.

[nataz]

I'm surprised more people didn't recommend this. If you have the resources, I highly recommend some kind of professional help.

Think of it this way. As individuals we (hopefully) have a limited experience set dealing with recovery from significant trauma. A professional will see these kinds of things on a regular basis, and may be able to recommend a course of action tailored to you and your specific circumstances.

They may not be the fix, but they can be a shortcut to finding the path to feeling better.

[lbriner]

Echo: Seek professional help.

You might be struggling just "because" and you need time to get over your experience but there might be an underlying cause that makes you unable to get past it (or at least makes it much harder). A professional can help you frame your experience and draw out anything unresolved.

[aantix]

If the events keep recurring in your head, and they're intrusive, there's something that isn't fleshed out. That needs to be reconciled.

Start by writing out these dreadful moments, with exacting detail. Look up dates. Talk about tones of voices. Where were you at? What was everyone wearing. Minute detail. What happened. What do you wish would have occurred differently?

You need to reconcile all of the details, so that your brain can appropriately lay them to rest and move forward.

The past authoring program may be of help.

"It would be particularly useful to complete the Past Authoring Program if you have memories that are more than about eighteen months old that still intrude upon your thoughts, or that still evoke emotion such as fear, regret, shame or confusion. If this is happening, it means that your mind has not yet been able to fully process your past experiences, and that the brain areas associated with negative emotion still regard the past events in question as unresolved threats. This is not good, because your brain reacts to unresolved threats with emergency physiological preparation, including the production of stress hormones such as cortisol that can be very toxic when chronically elevated"

https://www.selfauthoring.com/past-authoring

[higeorge13]

I thought i was crazy having done this, i didn’t it is a proper advice. I definitely suggest this to everyone with such long term haunting memories and traumas.

[ravenstine]

You don't completely get over anything, but I have a strategy that has at least mitigated some of the long term damage from past events in my life.

This will seem bizarre, but bear with me.

If I can, when an upsetting memory pops up, I try to find a reason to laugh at it, or force myself to dismissively laugh at it, and then I file that memory back into my brain and move on.

The long-term effect of this is that to some extent I can detach myself from the emotions I had in the moment and just be able to recall these events more objectively. Because I force myself to laugh at events long since passed, the more I do it, the less I associate the memory with the original emotion. Eventually I don't need the strategy and can think about an incident rationally without spiraling out of control emotionally.

Of course this may not be possible for some memories, and I don't necessarily recommend it. If a troubling memory involves being bullied, it can help, in my experience. Anything involving regret or guilt, not so much; in those cases it's better to make them right if you can and otherwise accept it.

[55555]

Based on my armchair understanding of how memories are recalled and stored, I can see how this might work very well for old memories associated with negative emotion. For similar, look up "Traumatic memory reactivation propanolol".

[wolverine876]

Here is one perspective, unvarnished:

Those experiences are now part of you. Love yourself, including, without exception, hesitation, or restraint, the pain and scars. Genuinely care about them, as if they are truly important in the world, because they are (even if others won't see it). Someone wise once said to me, love them; if you try to suppress them or fight them or ignore them, you will be a slave to them.

I'm not saying, dedicate your life to them. I'm saying that if you don't love them, you will dedicate your life to them. What I suggest will be painful - I'm not offering a panacea; facing such emotions is painful without qualification. IMHO a defining aspect of aging is that you gather those wounds and scars - you become fundamentally different than someone younger - and one thing that defines our lives is what we do with them, how we carry them with us. Some pull away from life, to degrees, some turn to drugs, some lash out, people adopt myriad coping strategies, and some grow and become more faceted and maybe wise, though not without consciously making the effort, which is challenging. I think we also can learn our limitations and strengths, after running full speed, head first into walls in youth, heedless of consequences, now we can know a little more and choose when, where and how.

[dazc]

You are the sum total of everything that has happened to you. This can seem like a disadvantage when people around you have enjoyed a more perfect existence but, as you get older, you can find strength in the knowledge that you have endured things other people have not. This makes you a better person, whether you feel it or not.

Good luck with the rest of your life.

[wolverine876]

> This can seem like a disadvantage when people around you have enjoyed a more perfect existence ...

Those people living ideal lives don't exist; we all are flawed and wounded. We just don't know about it and many play a game of hiding it, as if we are in a competition to see who can appear more perfect. When I see someone present that way, I assume they are hiding more. Personally, I purposely avoid playing the game. Nobody is fooling anybody anyway, and maybe I can inspire someone by being more open about my problems.

The injuries and scars are human condition. I sometimes imagine they are like the parts chiseled out, as a sculpture would a block of stone. Those (non-existant) perfect people are an untounched block - there is nothing there.

[robbiex88]

This comment really resonated with me. Thank you for sharing.

[stevenfoster]

Reading Viktor Frankl’s man search for meaning really helped me. I also sought professional help for a time.

My take away is that pain and suffering can have meaning and that meaning, that power of experience, can be a gift of intercession for others.

Your last sentence is telling, “it’s not real unless I share it with someone else.” Don’t wait. Time isn’t the answer. No one is promised tomorrow. Your experience is a superpower now that can be a gift to another person.

The golden rule is diagnostic, you will love others the way you love yourself.

Finally, learn how to make really good tacos. I’m Mexican so I’m biased but maybe if you’re not Mexican your people have a beautiful food too that you can learn how to make and share with others. If not, we freely have open sourced the taco for all peoples so feel free to start there. The gift of good food and caring conversation is one of the best parts of being alive.

My best to you and may you be abundantly blessed.

[kchameleon1234]

EMDR therapy works wonders for CPTSD. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be really good at uncovering the underlying cause of the feelings you’re experiencing. EMDR is a nice supplement to disengage from or (more often) desensitize yourself from the causes of those feelings.

My own experience comes from dealing with sexual assault and long term abandonment and attachment issues, but I’ve found the experiences I gained through those two therapy modalities useful for dealing with minor crises or life-stage transitions as well.

Personally, psychedelic mushrooms also play a role in my own recovery and ongoing therapy, but they’re not for everyone.

Best of luck to you. I hope you find peace and comfort in the near future. We all deserve to leave the past behind, to learn from it, and to look directly into the future when we are ready.

[diob]

I've had so so results with EMDR for trauma (lots of childhood shit). I'm hoping psychedelics become legal for therapy, I've heard / read great things.

[stanrivers]

Honestly, if your brain is still being bothered by those experiences, I have found it means that I have not dealt with those experiences enough. There is something "unfinished" with that experience that my brain can't figure out, so it keeps circle back through it. Especially for traumatic things or big events...

I'm just an average joe with no relevant background here, but I think the purpose of memory is to help you go through similar experiences in the future more efficiently / correctly / with good outcomes.

So I think that the brain is trying to learn from those experiences. And if it wont let go, you should help it. Sit down and write out what you are thinking. Talk out loud to yourself. or to someone else you trust. Think about that event a lot. Think about what it taught you. What you want to repeat in the future. What you don't. Write about it some more.

At least on my end, that helps. Good luck.

[rambambram]

> Honestly, if your brain is still being bothered by those experiences, I have found it means that I have not dealt with those experiences enough. There is something "unfinished" with that experience that my brain can't figure out, so it keeps circle back through it. Especially for traumatic things or big events...

I would like to second this. Human beings are really good in putting stuff away in their head and convincing themselves things are okay when they aren't.

[intellectronica]

I've been in similar situations and it was both really hard and eventually possible to move on and continue growing and developing. There is no simple answer. What is required is balancing accepting and integrating the past experience with actually moving on and doing new things. You can't have one without the other, and you can't rush things. Rather, you end up advancing one step at a time across both fronts. It often takes longer and requires more effort than you would have liked, so being ready for a long run is important.

Accepting and integrating the past means approaching it neither through rumination nor through avoidance, but with as full awareness as possible and some distance and perspective. Learning whatever there is to learn. Making peace with whatever happened (and most importantly with yourself). Your past will forever be your past, you will never be able to change it, so better get comfortable with that.

Doing new things, living a new life, that's easier said than done, but can also be fun and empowering when you're ready. As the saying goes, today is the first day of the rest of your life. Exciting! But to avoid "contaminating" your future with your past, you really need to also accept and integrate that past. If you don't, the choices you make and patterns you establish might be dominated by that past experience.

Some people can do this all by themselves. Many don't. If you're not sure, assume that you are one of those people who can benefit from getting help and support from a qualified professional. Many people who did will report that this is one of the best investments they made in their lifetime.

[padolsey]

I had a stroke a couple years ago at the age of 29. It has forever changed me. It is a scar on my brain and body. It is a part of me. I suppose I will never get true closure from the trauma until I __acknowledge__ that it has forever become a part of me. Our lives are composed of the good and bad parts. All are physiologically and neurologically manifested. We cannot completely eliminate them as we cannot reverse entropy. But we can make a peace with them. A bit like having a new scar on your cheek and looking at yourself every day in the mirror until you don't really notice it anymore. Both therapy and time can help. Allow life to take you on new journeys and then these will fill your thoughts, becoming more a part of you than the traumas that you're trying to move on from. I guess that's my take on it, at least. Self-compassion does a wonder as well. Hope you find closure, peace, direction <3

[SavantIdiot]

I'm in my 50's, this experience will happen several more times in your life. It is good to learn how to recognize it and sit with it, ultimately accepting it and moving on from it.

> Yet I can't seem to fully rekindle the same energy of my younger self.

I went through this in my late 30's early 40's (in my 50's now). You never will recapture that invicible excitement of your early 20's, you only find new forms. If you read literature, this is literally the topic of thousands of poems, epics, sagas, songs, and novels. I think it is wrong that teenagers are forced to read these classics, when the the woes and laments they describe are purely for older people.

I am not a psychotherapist, obviously, but since you are asking for advice:

1. The mourning will end, but it will come again in some other form; this is unavoidable part of life. Normalizing that is part of the battle.

2. Everyone in the history of humanity has gone through what you are going through. It is part of the rite of adulthood. Honor the fact that you have finally had the experience.

3. Create new memories. New memories push old memories back into past. If you don't create new memories, you will ruminate on your last ones. Like Al Bundy always fantasizing about his highschool touchdown late into his 50's (american TV show!).

4. Meeting new people helps create new memories. Find new groups. In the past 30 years I have done the following:

- Gaming groups (local game store has walk-in night where you can sit and play new games with strangers)

- Pub trivia (I found a team)

- Hiking (local meetup)

- Pottery lessons

- French lessons (taken at my local college in the adult program, LOTS of private parties, dinners & events that were french themed)

- Teaching programming to the local hacker club(s)

- Stained-glass window making lessons

- Carpentry lessons

- Getting into deep-woods backpacking

I took a lot of classes.

But you get the gist. I have SO many memories that my brain is a blur after decades of this and I need pictures to remind myself of all of the comedy/tragedy I've been through.

Good luck!

[awb]

A few suggestions for you:

1) Write, draw or both. Any form of self-expression helps to clear or release stuck memories. You can set a timer or just continue until you feel complete. Sometimes just even writing down words describing your emotions helps to move through it by naming it. The idea is to release these feelings and keep this energy moving instead of holding onto it inside you.

2) Burn ceremony. Take a symbol from this past experience and burn it. Sit with those feelings, embrace them and try to visualize them leaving as the fire consumes the object. Share any gratitude for the experience or express your anger, sadness, etc. The flame will be a willing listener. Or, like you said ask yourself for permission to move on before you light the fire.

3) Mantra. When I start focusing on the past I try to ask myself: Is there something I’m wanting in this present moment? If so, then I try to act on it. If not then a mantra can help like “In this present moment I feel ____” or a reminder to your brain can help like: “Thank you, I remember that.” The ideas is to acknowledge the thought without judgement but to have a simple process for moving forward and re-focusing on the present. That way when you’re enjoying life and you’re suddenly reminded of this past experience you have a quick way to snap back into the present instead of letting yourself get sucked back into the past.

This is challenging stuff though and if you find yourself unable to move on, then therapy might be a good option. There are a bunch of online options now and like you said sharing your story with someone else might help. Or, even posting your story anonymously on Reddit might do the trick.

Good luck!

[marstall]

I recently read an interesting thing about memory. Which is that remembering something - that is, bringing it to mind and playing it out - refreshes the memory, makes it new again.

And if you don't do that, you will forget.

So now when I have a bad memory, I try focusing on the feelings it creates in my body, and not naming them, or blaming anyone.

As painful as that can be in the moment, my attention moves on pretty quickly - and I've avoided perseverating at least that one time.

[kbrisso]

The saying time heals is true, it just takes time. My only advice to you is don't let the emotions drive you to do anything negative. It's okay to have emotions just don't let them take you over. Try not to ruminate and get lost in your own head. It can become like OCD. Exercise helped me a lot with ruminating and was a way I could improve myself - take all the negative energy and turn it into something positive. Reading is also good way to shut the mind off. I read a lot of books on how the mind works. If you have a therapist talk to him about what happened and how you feel. Therapy isn't always about looking for a solution to your emotions (root cause) it's a place to talk and get stuff off your chest and to help you find closure. Find someone who can just listen and offer advice when needed or when asked. Life is just random and has ups and downs and the bad things that happen can over shadow all the good. I can say this, if you want to learn from this and move on, you can. You just have to be patient and with time it will get better.

[rg111]

Your past never leaves you. You just learn to live with it.

You change somehow, so that changed version can live with whatever it was.

After a painful chapter in my life, I fully changed my social circle. I kept in touch with a very few people who are "good" people, and who are emotionally mature.

I avoided reunions, get-togethers, picnics, etc. Doing this, I also punished those who were in the middle- not the close ones or the ones who aided the bad things in my life.

Multiple people have talked about doing something. I would recommend that very highly.

"A deep life is a good life."

Whatever you do, or whatever you are interested to do, dive into that. Spend serious time for getting good at it. Practice deliberately. Level up. Doing this will benefit you in multiple unforseen ways. Not just with your immediate problem.

For me, it was Mathematical Physics, poetry and literature in general, reading History very carefully. It made my life good.

Meet new people. At your own pace. Get to know them. Form new connections.

Changing geographical scenario is helpful. I happened to move into a megacity at that time- the people of where matched well with my personality.

Having someone to share your trauma who knows you closely and who has seen it all unfold is really valuable.

Finally, give it time. Be patient. Don't judge yourself. Be open.

What you shouldn't do-

1. Don't doomscroll social media.

2. Don't let alcohol consumption go over a certain threshold.

You could ask me questions. I will monitor my comment and answer if you want.

[prox]

Well said. A book on poetry I highly recommend is The Rag and Bone Shop of the Heart. A beautiful anthology of many poets and poems geared towards men in all stages of life. Everyone should learn one poem by heart is my take away from the book.

[jarlab]

I kind of went through the same stuff as you, really appreciate your answer.

[bradlys]

Gonna be honest here - easiest way is to simply not think about it. It’s incredibly difficult but that is the simplest way.

I have a phrase that I used with my ex-wife and with others - which is - “don’t dig the groove.” Which is a reference of how your brain has grooves but also how memories and associations in the brain work. The more you think about them - the more connected and dug in they get. The best way to move on is to not think about it and let erosion fill in the grooves.

There are various ways to get around these things but I find getting yourself out of what stimulates you to be most effective. If going to certain places reminds you of something - don’t go there. If eating certain foods or looking at certain photos or answering certain questions about your life - just find ways to avoid those things. That may or may not be easy or simple depending on the associations but it is something I found to be effective. It might even mean not reading self-help or anything - tbh. Sometimes the best way to move on is to literally completely move on and act like you’re already fully moved on and done all the processing. (Fake it til you make it essentially)

I’m speaking as someone who has lived through a lot of trauma. Obsessing over it and trying to find ways to get over it never really worked. Especially because the only way for me to feel like I get over anything is that I’m now in a better position than I was before. So the path forward for me was incredibly difficult but somewhat “simple”. In the same way that being able to move a heavy object might be simply done by lifting heavy weights for many years before you’re able to move that heavy object by yourself. But there are other more effective ways but sometimes they just aren’t accessible for you and there is a satisfaction/pride in just being able to do it yourself without any assistance or gadgets.