Ask HN: How to break anxiety/fear-avoidance cycle?

[_yigw]

For years anxiety/fear-avoidance cycle defined my life. I tend to procrastinate to a such extent that causes problems in my day to day functioning, and generally my life.

For example, i have to submit 2 fairly simple assignments, in 2 and 3 days respectively. If i don't pass the next 4 assignments i will fail the lab, but i keep avoiding sitting down with all of my power. I feel pure fear and a sense of "i will certainly fail if i try".

The above example is with these assignments, but this type of behavior extends to everything in my life.

[insickness]

The best solution to getting past the anxiety/fear-avoidance cycle is to take small, manageable actions while accepting the feelings that go along with those actions.

Start with the smallest steps possible. Maybe that means opening the assignment and saving it to your computer. Then put it down and walk away. Come back in a little while and take another small step, such as reading over the assignment or making an outline of what you need to do to get it done. Often once you've done something you will often start to feel a lot different than if you've done nothing.

Keep track of how you're feeling. It's okay to feel more anxiety at first because you're doing something instead of nothing. Those feelings tend to subside over time as you take action, but the point is not to reduce your anxiety, the point is that you are making a commitment to do something in your life, to live your life, rather than to remain paralyzed in fear. Your goal is not to get rid of the anxiety but to live the kind of life you want to live.

This is the model for Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. A great book on this is "Get Out of Your Mind and into Your Life."

[albrewer]

This is what I try and do with my kids. They're elementary school age - if you tell them "go clean your room", they will melt down because the problem is too big for them to understand how to fix it.

Conceptually, they know they just need to put one thing away at a time, but often their emotions kick in first and short circuits rational thought. I help them through this by sitting in the room with them and just calling out 3 things that can easily be put away and tell them to just do those 3 things. Then we will do it again, and again, and again, and ....., until the room is close to being clean and they can finally take care of themselves.

I also point out the phenomenon to them - I call it their "monkey brain" impulse, which I use to describe any impulsive or avoidant behavior. I also use "lizard brain" when they go into a blind rage against their sibling at some perceived slight or injustice, and %kid_name% brain for when rational thought and morality are piloting their actions. The framework seems to work for them, and helps them think about their thoughts (which is a concept I had to introduce to them, they'd literally never thought about doing that - I guess kids don't develop that until later?).

[JohnBooty]

    Start with the smallest steps possible. Maybe 
    that means opening the assignment and saving 
    it to your computer.

This is insanely effective for me.

Avoidance/procrastination is still an ongoing struggle for me, and I suspect it always will be.

But breaking things down into steps is my best weapon. Nothing comes close.

(Second place is probably "getting good sleep" which has positive benefits for well, just about any challenge your mind faces)

I actually extend this concept to life in general. I make lists of daily tasks. This even includes "getting out of bed", "taking vitamins", etc. Sometimes it's useful to give yourself "credit" for doing all of the little things. Gets you rolling. Sounds silly but it is often effective for me.

[noufalibrahim]

A vehement +1 to this post. Reducing the conceptual size of the problem to something that you can just shrug and do will give you a step forward and knock a chunk out of your anxiety. If you keep at it, the anxiety will reduce over time.

One thing that's helped me is self talk. You should assure yourself that you're the man and that these challenges are easy for you to overcome. Don't be afraid to go over the top with this and when you do it, give yourself a pat on the back before you take the next step.

[Handprint4469]

I just created this account to thank you for posting this comment. After reading it I got and read the book you recommended, and it has really helped me with issues I've been struggling with for years.

I had not noticed the pattern of "avoid negative feelings" -> "negative feelings increase over time", and I actually thought problems like my anxiety had gotten better just because I had found more and more elaborate ways to try to avoid feeling it. In fact, it got worse and I became more and more avoidant of things that might trigger it.

Now the anxiety is still there, it still sucks, but I feel it without flinching and carry it with me without getting lost in the stories it tells. And by doing that, I have enough space in my mind to do the things I was avoiding and be more present.

So again, thank you for writing this comment. Know that you have really helped at least one person.

[cassepipe]

I wish someone had given me this pièce of advice early in life instead of finding that out at 25.

I call it the foot-in-the-door method, it makes wonders.

[sateesh]

A very good advice. When I am stuck worrying and not doing a task I should have been doing, I try with a small pomodoro interval of just 15 mins doing very minimal steps related to the task that won't need lot of mental energy. This helps me to reduce my anxiety and gradually I pick up my focus and am able to move forward.

[kosasbest]

The old adage: Prepare and put your gym bag at your front door if you have problems trying to go to the gym

[karls]

I just want to add to the parent comment which I 100% agree with.

I have struggled with anxiety and fear-avoidance for a long time. Probably most of my adult life. It got to the point where I had to find external help in the form of a therapist. She specialises in cognitive behavioural therapy, which helped me take those first couple of steps. I got better after about 12 months of therapy, but felt like there was something missing in the CBT solution to the anxiety problem.

What really put things in a totally different gear was realising that the voice telling you to avoid, to put off, to cower and run from things, is just a voice. That voice feels like _you_, but it's not you. The voice is sometimes correct. Sometimes it's not. A part of CBT is questioning the unproductive thoughts and feelings, which helps, but it doesn't take this idea of "the voice being just a voice" to its conclusion. Just because you have a thought or a feeling does not mean you should take it literally, as the truth.

ACT, which I discovered by accident shortly after my epiphany, gets to the heart of it with defusion (de-fusing the internal chatter from your rational self) and five other core ideas. For me personally, the idea and practise of defusion was a core component in helping me deal with crippling anxiety. It requires work, but it's possible to feel great in the presence of _some_ anxiety and fear. It's possible to look forward to things which would normally make you anxious and avoidant.

Another book recommendation "A Liberated Mind" by Steven Hayes. I suggest reading a book or two and try to internalise these ideas through practise. No HN comment can provide the nuance and context you'll find in a book and through practise.

[huge87]

I just bought Acceptance and Commitment Therapy on Audible. I take book recommendations on HN relatively seriously so I'm looking forward to this read.

[patrickserrano]

+1 for taking small steps. As someone who's dealt with anxiety for years, it's one of the most reliable ways for me to actually make progress when I'm overwhelmed.

I'll typically try making a list of the small steps I need to take, though I recognize that for some people seeing that list might make the anxiety worse. But for me it's a tangible step that allows me to cross off items and visualize the progress as I go which ends up reducing my anxiety about the task at hand. I do it for everything from work related projects to general "cleaning up the house" type work.

[tpoacher]

As David Lloyd George once quipped: "The best way to cross a vast chasm is to do so in a series of small jumps."

[meken]

ACT therapy is nice and was an important step for me to develop more mindfulness, but not the full solution.

I found ACT to be a bit like relying on willpower. There were only so many times I was “willing” to move forward with my feelings when my thoughts and feelings are working against the task, before I give in and give up.

They eventually win out.

[BIKESHOPagency]

I use tanglo app (tanglo.app) and something about just clicking "start" on a small task is enough to break the cycle for me. Tanglo is also helpful in visualizing what I can REALISTICALLY get done in my day and what happens if I don't start.

When I don't start a scheduled task, it just keeps pushing it down further and further. If I procrastinate too long, tasks at the end get moved to tomorrow automatically. Which sucks. Small steps, click start.

[MomciloM]

I found the same thing work the best for me, but not always.

[trenchgun]

This is very good advice.

It can be also combined with a couple of neat tricks: talking with somebody about it & making a list about it.

[_nhh]

This is really the only way it keeps getting better for me. Big big +1 on this one

[agumonkey]

someone posted an article about ACT not long ago, I couldn't find the acronym, thanks :)

[tailspin2019]

This is superb advice.

[jrib]

This was a slow process, but:

1. Regular written self-reflection, i.e., keeping a journal and

2. Re-framing "failures" as learning experiences; forgive yourself

helped me a lot.

The written part was important to me because it forced me to revisit my previous thoughts and reevaluate them in light of what had happened since last time I wrote.

(2) also helped me do things with the mind-set that "failure" wasn't actually failure. The goal was to try and learn from it.

I didn't get around to doing this until after school, but I wish I had. In your situation, I'd try to get myself to do the assignment with a quick pass early on leaving notes for things I wasn't sure about. Take a break, then revisit and revise. Afterwards, write in your journal what worked well and what didn't. Write about what you want to try next time differently if some things come to mind.

Hope you find a solution that works for you. E-mail is in my profile if you want to talk more about what's worked for me.

[_yigw]

I've tried to keep a journal. I'm about to start again -- for the n-th time-- but i don't know how to use it, beyond writing my thoughts. How am i going to use the reflections i wrote nine days ago? Sometimes i re-read what i wrote, but i can connect with the words and thoughts that are written on the paper.

[FranklinMaillot]

I've been through the same cycle for many years (I can even say decades). My recommendation is to seek help from a psychiatrist. You probably have generalized anxiety disorder and it often goes hand in hand with depression. A psychiatrist will be able to diagnose those and give you medication if you need it. She could also recommend therapy, but you need to be diagnosed first.

Unfortunately, it is very difficult to find a good mental health professional. You'll have to try many before finding a good one. Plus you will procrastinate of course. But you need to persist and make this task your priority. I know the pain you're going through, and nothing should be more important than ending the suffering right now. Once you get better you'll wish you had sought help sooner.

From my research and my experience, there are two effective treatments for anxiety and depression backed by scientific evidence: antidepressants and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy.

The other comments are well intentionned but most of them are basically asking you to change your mindset and just do it. Obviously, if it was that easy you would have done it already. Anxiety and depression don't allow you to think clearly, that's why it is extremely difficult to get out of it on your own.

[diob]

Yes, absolutely this. Getting on sertraline changed my life.

[klik99]

I was going through something similar and took me a while to recognize it was anxiety. It's good that you have recognized it so early.

When nothing seemed to work, I tried Zembrin as an OTC experiment if it was "just chemistry". It really worked for me, takes a few weeks to work, and it wasn't anything obvious - in fact I didn't think it was working until I forgot to take it for a few days and felt anxiety creeping back in. It got me into the right headspace to tackle the overwhelming amount of stuff life was throwing at me without having to take any more serious drugs which I try to avoid. YMMV and I would completely exhaust all non-chemical options before trying it, and if it doesn't work I'd seek professional help (specifically cognitive behavioural therapy - which you can try without professional guidance too but need a deep understanding of to do)

In the meantime, these observations have helped me in the past:

A) Nobody really cares if you fail, those who love you will still love you if you fail. Everyone is more self-absorbed than it feels. People care when you succeed.

B) Some amount of stress is benefical - don't think you have to eliminate it. Think of it like blood pressure - no pressure and no blood moves through your body and stagnates - too much pressure and your veins will burst - just the right amount of stress keeps you strong and moving. Comfort kills - but so does TOO MUCH stress. There's a sweet spot that's just beyond your comfort zone.

C) Keep a TODO list - be it GTD or whatever. Having everything on paper for me is very calming, otherwise if you have more things to do than your working memory can handle (IE 7-10 things), in other words if you have a pulse in 2021, then it will feel overwhelming because it's literally beyond your minds ability to keep track of.

[edit: removed one observation that wasn't related to OPs situation]

[MrDresden]

I can second the Zembrin recommendation.

It got mentioned to me by a friend last year, so I decided to give it a go.

It took around a week to 10 days and then I wasn't feeling the pressure as much anymore.

[brailsafe]

I had a similar problem, but for different reasons. There was a lab that I did end up failing and I knew I would, but the tasks were just so insurmountably and needlessly time consuming and boring that I couldn't rationalize even making incremental progress on them. These labs involved essentially manually drawing many graphs related to climate phenomena, and it's just not something I could bring myself to do. I'd literally sit down, look at the assignment, and then pretty quickly drift off to sleep. This was for an unbelievably easy intro class that I was taking in 3rd year, and I failed it, much to my profs disappointment, because the lab component took something like 50% or more of the grade. I didn't even show up for the lab exam. This is also despite the class being interesting, the prof being great, me having a lot of enthusiasm for the subject matter, etc.. it just didn't work.

I've since been diagnosed with ADHD and take it to get through a lot of days where I'd otherwise be non-functioning, but for the life of me I don't think I'd be able to do those assignments with any amount of meth in my system.

That might not be a helpful story. I wish I could relate in a closer way, but I don't really connect very well with anxiety related fear, unless it involves speaking a foreign language in front of the class or something. If you're struggling with anxiety in general, I might recommend getting into skateboarding, unironically. There's nothing like eventually pushing yourself to try something many many times and failing in front of other people, often only to have them cheer you on in a uniquely supportive way.

[sz4kerto]

Listen to John Danaher (world famous BJJ coach interviewed by Lex Fridman).

He talks about that the greatest fighters pick their battles very well, and they often get submitted in the gym because they intentionally put themselves in handicapped positions so that they can learn how to get out (and sometimes that doesn't work out, of course). So life situations where stakes are not high should be used to run high-risk experiments so that we can learn from them. He takes about risk taking a lot, and how confidence building is important for high performers. First, you learn how to recover from bad situations. You train this a lot. Then you need to learn and experience that even if you make a mistake you're good enough to recover from it. If you know that you can recover from your mistakes you're suddenly free to take large risks. As an extension: if you're new to a field and you're looking to acquire skills then learn how to recover from bad situations first, so that you can then keep exploring without the fear of getting into bad situations.

[_yigw]

> So life situations where stakes are not high should be used to run high-risk experiments so that we can learn from them.

Your comment made me realize that every failure i considering it as high stakes...

As for John Danaher, he's seems an interested character. For a while now i want to listen his conversations with Lex Fridman, and also the 3hour long conversation he did with two other martial artists.

[ehnto]

Great examples of your last point in most speed sports. The quickest competitors always look like they're extreme risk takers, but it's more likely they've had ample time experiencing mistakes and as such, they know their ability to recover well enough to deduce a good safety margin.

I love watching ragged edge hill climb segments or peak performance downhill mountain biking runs, they're this weird blend of composure and moments of recovery, and you can see them pushing through each small mistake fearlessly, as they're so familiar with them.

[PartiallyTyped]

You are not trying to avoid failure, you are giving yourself a cushion to avoid confronting the fact that you may not be as good as you think that you are.

The cushion is that you didn't apply yourself to the maximum because you procrastinated and ergo it isn't you who failed, but a you who did not apply themselves.

Why do we do it? Out of self preservation. Confronting the fact that the reality does not match our idealized self is a very difficult process as it leaves us vulnerable and exposed. We feel that our lack of skills will be exposed and everyone will see that we are failures.

In reality, there is only one self, you that is choosing not to do what you have to because you are trying to protect a fragile ego.

I don't mean to sound harsh, all humans do it in one way or the other.

But eventually reality catches up to us and forces us to confront our situation. In the expectation you will do as you always did. However, if you condition the future on taking failure as an indicator for growth rather than an indicator of danger, you will be able to overcome the situation.

Take what you fear the most and tame it by actively trying, and instead of thinking you will fail, think and accept that it is an indicator of all the new things you will learn.

NB: Speaking from experience.

PS. Radical acceptance is a powerful tool in getting out of these situations.

[matwood]

> You are not trying to avoid failure, you are giving yourself a cushion to avoid confronting the fact that you may not be as good as you think that you are. ... >In reality, there is only one self, you that is choosing not to do what you have to because you are trying to protect a fragile ego.

This is something that when I was growing up, we learned to deal with through sports. Sports teach kids to confront winning and losing early on and how to better handle their egos.

I wonder if these issues are becoming more common as sports participation has dropped?

[danr4]

This resonates with me. Tips on how to apply this?

[dkarl]

You'll get a lot of advice to try different techniques, and I would look at everything, pick a few that click for you, try them, see if they work, and try more things until something works. I'll give you three suggestions.

My first suggestion is to think, "I might fail at this, but I'll be better off if I fail at it today than tomorrow, and I'll be better off if I fail this morning than this afternoon." A failure right now is just a start. You will have time to fix it.

My second suggestion is to remind yourself that the fear is excessive and unhelpful. Don't think, "I deserve to feel this way, because I'm screwing up, and I should feel this way until I get my act together." There's only one reason to value fear: if it pushes you to take the right actions to address your fear. If it doesn't work that way, then the dose is too high to be effective, and you can let go of it without guilt.

Related to this, my third suggestion is to work on the overall level of stress and anxiety in your life. Think about the worst case and remind yourself that you'll cope. If you fail the lab, you'll survive. Lots of successful people failed a lab in school. Whatever else is hard in your life, remind yourself that it's not a disaster: for example, if you don't have a boyfriend/girlfriend and this causes you distress, remind yourself that lots of people your age are hopeless at romance and are happily married ten years later. If you're worried about disappointing your parents, remind yourself that many happy people disappointed their parents when they were young. Use these thoughts to reduce the overall level of stress in your life.

Most tips for dealing with fear and procrastination boil down to finding helpful ways of thinking about a situation and repeating them until they become habit. A systematic way to approach this is called cognitive-behavioral therapy, CBT. It's ideal if you can do this with a professional therapist, but unlike most forms of therapy, if you can't afford a professional to coach you, you can still practice it on your own.

[pc86]

I nearly failed out of college because of this. I would have a paper due in n days, and would absolutely refuse to do it, in hindsight because I didn't want to spend weeks working on it just to get a D (who does?). I would literally get to ~24 hours before due date and have a 20 page paper to write with zero done. No reading, no research, I'd be lucky to even have a topic. I'd then regurgitate some garbage that barely met the requirements (if it even did), get the D anyway, and justify it by the fact that I "passed" and saved all that time. In retrospect, over a decade later, I was just terrified of trying and failing, so took solace in not trying and failing.

[ghostbrainalpha]

I'm just like you but a little worse. I did fail out of college because of exactly that. I felt such shame at having done D work that I often wouldn't even turn it in, and then get the F.

I struggled for years after dropping out with this, and still do to some extent. But came up with a crazy strategy to kind of get myself addicted to completing tasks on my To Do list. I think today I'm probably significantly more productive than the average person, but I never would have got to this level without going through years of pain and life destroying habits.

[pmoriarty]

I've watched dozens of videos on procrastination and by far the best one is this one by Tim Pychyl: [1]

It's aimed at helping graduate students overcome procrastination, but it's actually useful for just about anyone. It's chock full of very practical tips, and Pychyl's main point is that procrastination is not a time management problem, but a problem with managing negative emotions.

So it sounds like it would be right up your alley.

[1] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mhFQA998WiA

[einpoklum]

> I've watched dozens of videos on procrastination

But perhaps not that many videos on irony? :-P

[myth2018]

1) look for some psychotherapy. Really. You'll read a lot of advice everywhere, people in very good-faith sharing what worked to them, but you'll spend a lot of time experimenting to check what works best to you. A good therapist will speed up this process a lot.

2) now, my piece of advice, which worked well to me: read The War of Art from Steven Pressfield. Forget the criticism about his religious tone -- people doing them didn't read past the second part. There's something really interesting in the act of "personalizing" procrastination. It seems it makes it more tangible, approachable, avoidable, I don't know. It was cheap last time I saw, give it a try.

[ZeroGravitas]

First thing:

If you are about to fail a class or out of school due to anxiety, go and tell someone.

This happens all the time so there will be standard things they can do about it, routines, process and guidelines etc.

When stressed things can seem epic and scary, which makes it hard to reach out.

Long term:

This sounds like ADHD to me. It might be partially anxiety, depression and other things mixed in. It's hard to tell as they can cause and worsen each other.

Try all the standard advice for stress and procrastination and see what works for you. Do you have a sporty hobby, try doing more of that. Is your diet or sleep schedule crap, sort that out. Read about the physical impacts of stress so you can recognize the feeling and find some method that works to chill you out, whether that's meditation or going for a walk or reading a book. Find stupid tricks that work for your brain (study buddies, pomodoro timers, breaking things down into smaller tasks, starting the task while intentionally not caring if it's perfect or even good just to get going, there's lots of different tricks that work for different people at different times).

[goatkey]

The book “The Science of Stuck” by Britt Frank is the best I’ve read about this. She has an interview on the podcast You Are Not So Smart that could be a good low-effort way to think about it. It’s been incredibly helpful for me.

She reviews all of the latest and groundbreaking research about anxiety, from older therapy tactics like CBT, to how it is a physical response (eg Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk). It’s also easy to read (ie not overly academic).

As an aside, one thing that helps me, as others have alluded to, is to “just start” and/or break things down into very small tasks to get small wins. Eg, if you have to write a paper, just open a doc to start.

Also, adopting an approach of being ok with “just good enough” or “anything is better than nothing”. I find I get stuck because I want something to be very high quality from the start, but adopting the strategy of a brain dump or “sh*t first draft”, with the intention of throwing it away, has helped immensely, as I’ve accepted the fact that my first draft will be bad, and it is iteration that makes things good.

[mateo1]

For me the issue was external factors. Don't ignore your social and romantic needs, don't try to do more than it is required of you to impress. Don't define yourself purely through your academic abilities, as annoying as that might be.

Do the bare minimum, but do it, and do it now. Try to collaborate with others, it will help you understand you are on the same level as them and you don't need to turn every lab report to a thesis-like endeavor.

Therapists can be hit or miss, but I think it might help you to talk to someone if that's a possibility. Some times in life you don't have level-headed impartial friends to give you good advice, and imo a good therapist would do just that. Help you see more clearly from a different perspective.

[_yigw]

> For me the issue was external factors. Don't ignore your social and romantic needs, don't try to do more than it is required of you to impress. Don't define yourself purely through your academic abilities, as annoying as that might be.

I think a big size of my mental problems are the lack of social and romantic satisfaction. I have social anxiety but i love people. I love going to parties, having interesting conversations, flirting etc. To the extent that some people wondered why i choose to study computer science :P (my second choice is sociology and political science, which i want to study someday).

[mrmincent]

I’m exactly the same, turned my 3 year degree into a 5 year slog because I’d get too anxious to do assignments or even exams. Took me a long time (decades) to learn about anxiety and it’s impacts, so you’re doing well to be aware of it earlier.

Therapy & mindfulness has been a huge help for me. It’s helped me be more aware of how I’m feeling, and to take steps when I’m feeling anxious. For example, I’ve got a regular reminder in my Phone to check in with how I’m feeling, to actively think about what I’m avoiding, and to consider what it is I’m afraid of that’s causing me to avoid. If I’m feeling anxious or avoidant, then I do something to help, like try to ”explore” why I’m feeling that way, and to do some mindful breathing / grounding exercises.

You’ve done really well to ask here for advice, being vulnerable and open is a huge first step. I’d recommend seeing a professional therapist or counsellor if you can, especially while you’re studying - your education institution should have some people who can help.

[annyeonghada]

>3 year degree into a 5 year slog

Same here. It took me 7 years. I would usually vomit before every exam.

The horrible thing was that my grades were 98th percentile and my study method was very effective for me. I've never had this problem until the end semester of the first year of University. I don't really know what happened given that that first semester ended perfectly: two exam with a 100% and one with a 93%; such are mental tribulations like anxiety

[srinivgp]

I had this problem. It crippled me. One or more of the following solved it:

- just time plus regression to the mean

- talking with a therapist, for a while

- being hit with a completely different enormous life stress, allowing me to say "fuck it" to all other anxieties

While it was ongoing, my coping mechanisms were:

- ditch social interaction in favor of putting myself near the problem for hours at a time with nothing else to do until I made reluctant incremental progress

I do not recommend that coping mechanism for anything except that which you need to literally survive.

When it was very bad, the following was not helpful:

- breaking into small chunks; fear-avoidance can be about starting, but in my case it was literally about producing any results visible to anyone else

[fredgrott]

Note, I have a bias as I had anxiety through ADHD.

That being said both Anxiety and ADHD have the same exact dopamine problem which means that analogues of dopamine and serotonin treat anxiety if it's cause is genetic in nature.

I do not know if the poster has a genetic version of anxiety, however if they do here is what I take for my ADHD that works for anxiety:

L-theanine ashwagandha(its what is in Maca!) L-dopa

and my further twist is to take a tablespoon if raw Cacao powder in mornings as it has two ingredients caffiene and anandamide.

Anandamine is what interacts with CBD receptors, i.e. if you want to get around the TCH in CBD oil this is the way to do it as anandamine obviously is not tested for i the THC tests and there are no addictions associated with anandamine.

Caution, it does not solve the emotional past obstacle you have set up for yourself. to solve that part you have to drastically change your life from consuming to doing in the form of making and creating and communicating. And yes, it is in fact a lot of work. But, I can tell if you make the honest effort towards this life-change you will be rewarded with the amazing stuff you can do once that life-change take hold. IMHO

[nickstinemates]

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to help address the underlying causes of anxiety. It is very similar to another suggestion in the thread about breaking the problem down in to small manageable steps, with a cognitive framework to

* be present, in the moment

* be mindful, of your anxiety, of your surroundings, of your self

* take action based on the above.

Maybe also take a ADHD diagnosis from somewhere like adhdonline.com. It takes an hour or so, longer if you're very introspective about the answers, and then you'll know if there are medical options to help you with this as well.

[kemiller]

So on top of the other great suggestions here, I can share a trick that has helped me to get me past periods where I was feeling either depressed or stuck or anxious or otherwise not my best. If I have a decision to make ("Should I go for this new job?" "Should I move to a new city?") I ask myself, "What would the happy, confident version of me do?" and then I do that. When I'm depressed or fearful I tend to make bad choices that perpetuate that state; when I'm happy I tend to make better choices that make me happier. This is a way of short circuiting that feedback loop and making even a small step to feel better.

[_notathrowaway]

The way you describe your problem makes me think that you might need the assistance of a therapist to overcome it.