Tell HN: I have the perfect job, why is it not enough?

[perfectjob]

I am in my mid-thirties, working four days a week, and making over 100k. I have a house, a good relationship with my wife, and young and healthy kids.

I work from home. My job is technically interesting, and I still learn/improve. I do not have meetings. One or sometimes two 30 min calls a week with my boss. Most days, I do not have to interact with anyone from work, not even customer contact.

If I knew I could have a job like this ten years ago, I would have thought that's it, the dream.

But somehow, it isn't. It's never enough.

I dream about doing my own thing or retiring early to do other projects. It is probably human to always want more.

So HN, how did you settle and slow down and become happy with the way it is without always wanting more?

[willhslade]

You are describing the hedonic treadmill. Essentially, you become used to your surroundings, and while they are objectively great, from the perspective of inside your own head, this is now normal and you / your monkey mind wants more.

There have been a lot of post floating around the internet with various solutions, the most popular being Stoicism > Positive Psychology / Happiness research > Buddhism / Meditation. I've dabbled a little in all of them and they all have something to offer.

Essentially, you are experiencing a disconnect between how it feels to be you and how you expected to feel. As someone only a little older than yourself, I would say this: your job will never love you back, and especially in the software realm, it may not be as fulfilling as something like woodworking or therapy. It does pay the bills, though.

The above mentioned happiness research / positive psychology suggests that having multiple, meaningful social roles that you can fulfill outside of work will allow you to shoulder more responsibility and find meaning in your life.

What I'm trying say is that in the second half of life, it is our job to give back. So start there.

Also, this is in my morning bookmarks to revisit: https://old.reddit.com/r/AskEngineers/comments/so6e8h/engine...

[2OEH8eoCRo0]

Correct. It works in reverse too.

Anecdote: As I deployed to Afghanistan from my duty station on Okinawa things got progressively shitty. Okinawa -> Manas: Living conditions suck but they have a decent chow hall. Manas -> Camp Leatherneck: Crappy living, crappy chow. Camp Leatherneck -> FOB: wow this sucks. FOB -> combat outpost: holy shit this sucks! How am I gonna do 7 months of this?!

I did. Got used to it. Was actually kind of fun after awhile. Then after deployment you do it in reverse and feels like being upgraded to better and better luxury.

Soon enough you're used to it and living in the barracks on Okinawa sucks again.

Point being that you adjust to living conditions- good or bad. Don't derive purpose from chasing more because you'll always adjust to whatever you attain.

[asciimike]

> As someone only a little older than yourself, I would say this: your job will never love you back, and especially in the software realm, it may not be as fulfilling as something like woodworking or therapy. It does pay the bills, though.

Reminded me of https://github.com/docker/cli/issues/267#issuecomment-695149...

> I no longer build software; I now make furniture out of wood. The hours are long, the pay sucks, and there's always the opportunity to remove my finger with a table saw, but nobody asks me if I can add an RSS feed to a DBMS, so there's that :-)

Relevant discussion of that thread: https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=24541964

I think you summarized it well :)

[hesdeadjim]

I think you drastically over-estimate how "fulfilling" something like therapy is. Day in and day out you will see people you desperately wish to help, who if they listened to 20% of what you offered would see their lives change immensely, only to watch them repeat the same behavior without change day in and day out. Worse, if you deal with depressed or addicted people it's just a matter of time before a client kills themselves.

Grass is always greener, but we have it easy in software and it's good to remember that.

All that said, I've been through the types of discontent that OP mentions. I've worked many interesting software jobs, started multiple businesses, failed many times, succeeded, made lots of money, shipped an indie game that was an expression of myself -- a dream come true, and at the end of it all... emptiness and a feeling of not-enough-ness (not depression!).

If one does not find a philosophy that accepts this as reality at its core, you'll be chasing your tail until the day you die. I personally prefer Buddhism without the ceremonial pomp, and in that vein I'd recommend Noah Levine: https://www.againstthestream.com/dharma-talk-and-meditation-...

Edit: 100% agree though that giving back to people is wonderful. Some of my best experiences have been the happiness in helping someone else succeed.

[0000011111]

I would like to add two other ways to get off the hedonic treadmill for a bit.

1. Backpacking for a 1 week time period or longer. Living out of a backpack is a great way to help rest your brain terms of its standard perspective on what it thinks it needs to be happy in day to day life. Also, there are some nice places you can walk to with a backpack on that you can not drive to.

2. A Therapeutic mushroom trip - read how to change your mind by that hippy Berkley professor. This is not for everyone though. So proceed with caution.

[hinkley]

Anecdotal evidence is that you can hack the hedonic treadmill by having interests outside of work. If nothing in your life is more challenging than work, then all of your yardsticks will be based upon it.

If however you're comparing the relative pain of writing documentation to lifting a 40lbs bag of building materials, holding a position in yoga/martial arts class, running a half marathon, riding a century, hiking for six hours in a cold rain, then documentation really isn't so bad.

[Pokepokalypse]

This is possibly true.

I'm in my 50's now, and when I was in my 40's, my life-situation allowed me to pursue a lot more outside interests and hobbies. I had a lot of different outside activities, and would go out after work 4 nights a week with something different.

A mass-layoff 5 years ago changed my circumstances in a lot of ways. I have another job - one that I love probably much more. But I relocated, and where I live now just doesn't have many of the same opportunities to do all the different things I used to do. And it's causing a lot of feelings of emptiness and burnout.

Since I work remote, I'm planning on another relocation.

[jvanderbot]

For anyone interested, the above topics (Stoicism, positive psychology, budhism) are all nicely discussed in Happiness Hypothesis, by Jonathan Haidt.

[Aperocky]

For me, engaging in a sport that borders on meditation expanded my mind, I paddleboard around sunset/nights. This tremendously improved my mental state after being trapped inside for most of 2020.

[metadat]

Friendlier, less user-hostile link:

https://old.reddit.com/r/AskEngineers/comments/so6e8h/commen...

(The main site goes to great lengths to force registration, even hiding the content after a few seconds (!) when a mobile user-agent is detected)

[cvshane]

> it is our job to give back

I've struggled with the same thoughts above, and giving back is helpful. I've tried to document it (https://www.codekindly.org/) with these principles of giving back by coding kindly:

Be Kind to the Earth: reduce code waste, utilize green infra

Be Kind to Community: donate code, give to charity

Be Kind to Users: protect privacy, provide joyful experiences

Be Kind to Yourself: physical + mental health, cultivate relationships

It's a shift in mindset to find fulfillment in your current job

[goodpoint]

The hedonic treadmill aspect is very relevant, but first we must wonder if perfectjob's work is fulfilling is its social value.

perfectjob (the author) never said the current job is making the world a better place.

[29athrowaway]

I think this is why in part some successful artists, once they live in expensive mansions and have already gained access to every luxury, completely lose perspective in life and get into substance abuse, addictions, etc.

Which is similar to what happened in the rat utopia experiment: https://www.smithsonianmag.com/smart-news/how-mouse-utopias-...

[heliodor]

There's also the angle that each day is the same as yesterday and the person doesn't feel like it's leading anywhere. It's the same as laying bricks for life or being a simple farmer. It puts food on the table but does nothing for the mind.

[mooreds]

Some advice from someone a bit further down the career path:

* If you want to try something, try it! Save up some runway, do your own thing. Try some other projects right now, don't wait. (You won't be able to devote full time effort to them, but can still make progress.) You may find that what you dream about isn't all that, or maybe it is. Either way you can take steps forward.

* I learned to be happy with my life after I'd taken a few alternative paths. Nothing like jumping to a situation, realizing it wasn't what you thought it was, and then jumping to a different situation, then realizing it wasn't all that great, then jumping to a different situation... After I did this a few times, I learned that I needed to create happiness where I was, not try to find it elsewhere. YMMV.

* It is a cliche, but kids are only young once. Enjoy that time.

[elif]

I was there 5 years ago. My psychology was getting worse by the month as everything I did seemed more and more futile.

I quit my job, travelled to some bucket list destinations like Japan, Fiji, Galapagos, machu piccu, then went on a 5 month backpacking trip across both islands of New Zealand with my (ridiculously) supportive wife. I immersed myself the whole time in zen philosophy and tried to lose my egocentric placement in the universe.

It was a great reset for my depression, but did nothing to erase the fundamental feeling that all of reality and my actions within it are pointless.

For the first year I took my passion projects seriously, devoting almost a full work week of attention to them. At a certain point, I stopped those too. I realized I was merely creating my own flavor of the distractions I'd tired of.

Now the only things that bring me real joy are improving my home environment, the health of my family, and getting out in the sun and playing sports. That kind of "out there, just around the corner" abstract life satisfaction I was chasing seem as ridiculous to me now as participating in US politics. It is all ephemeral.

[pjdkoch]

> I realized I was merely creating my own flavor of the distractions I'd tired of.

Bam. Right in the kisser. This is the essence of it.

[tcbawo]

My conjecture is that happiness will not be found by a job switch. Having a stable job that gives you the money and enough time to pursue your life’s passions is very valuable. I think an artist with a day job would be happier than an artist that scrapes by selling their art. Quitting a well paying job that provides free time _right away_ adds unnecessary lifestyle pressure. My advice is to find and foster your passions outside of work before making career changes, then reorient your life with renewed focus.

[burntoutfire]

I've had pretty similar path (minus the long exotic trip). I've also pursued personal projects and interests very seriously, only to find out that I don't know why I'm doing them really. I found that I'm most satisfied with hedonic/epicurean lifystyle: hanging out with friends, spending time outside, cooking, reading, playing some of my favorite games. Even a job is not that bad, given how easy we can have it in the software profession. I guess any interests and ambitions I had were imprinted on my by external capitalist pressures, and I only realised that when I no longer had to run on the threadmill (I'm leanFIRE already).

[badRNG]

> but did nothing to erase the fundamental feeling that all of reality and my actions within it are pointless

There may not be some cosmic teleology for your life, but that doesn't mean it's pointless; it just means you have a clean slate for deciding what you want that point to be.

I think embracing the absurdity of existence can be liberating.

[khazhoux]

> But somehow, it isn't. It's never enough. It is probably human to always want more.

The passionate college runner dreams of making the Olympic team -- just to be on the team would be enough. The first-time Olympian dreams of standing on the podium -- bronze would be enough. The bronze medalist is upset he lost to silver by .1 sec. The silver medalist rages that he came so close -- so close! to having it all. The gold medalist wonders if he'll ever win gold again.

No one is ever satisfied. (fine, there are some exceptions -- I tip my hat to them).

All the advice below of quitting to do your own thing is (most likely) baloney. Down that path is just loss of wages and all the associated stress and opportunity costs. Again, there are exceptions, and congrats to them.

Here's my advice: You're doing great -- stop whining! I mean that in the friendliest way possible. This is what winning at life feels like. It doesn't feel like winning.

[kens]

Interestingly, bronze medalists are measurably happier than silver medalists. The theory is that the silver medalist is disappointed at not winning gold (as you say), but the bronze medalist is happy to have obtained any medal.

https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/thoughtful-animal/why-b...

[chrsig]

I'm in a very similar situation, almost identical, sans kids. I too have this 'struggle'. There's no solution, you're just experiencing life. You're at a stage where you're more safe than you probably had been in the past (I don't know about you, but the 2008 crash really set the tone for my young adulthood). I know I tend to think "I've finally arrived...now what?"

Some combination of suggestion & things that've worked for me:

1) getting a therapist. They will be able to help you work through the feelings a lot better than anyone on HN.

2) don't try to be happy. You can't directly control how you feel like it were a light switch. Aim for contentment and create an environment where you're more likely to be happy. the harder you try to be happy the less likely it is to happen.

3) reduce your focus on work. work is a means to create an environment for you to be happy in. find things outside of work to pour your love and ambition into. Find other sources of validation than work

4) meditate -- and start with guided meditation of some form. do it regularly. it will help you cultivate yourself

[ironlake]

There's a scene near the end of Chariots of Fire where Harold Abrahams confesses to an old friend that he's more afraid of winning the race than losing it. Winning the race means losing his purpose. Contrast with the other racer in the story, Liddell, a devout Christian who races for God's glory. His purpose transcends any wins or losses on earth.

It's an ancient problem. (I'm not suggesting that you embrace religion. Just an example.)

In my experience, no matter how much I want a job, after about five years I'm ready to quit.

[allenu]

That idea of "losing purpose" after winning the race is really interesting. I've often got caught up in external goals (praise, promotions, shipping an amazing product that everyone loves), and I've noticed that when I've accomplished them, or the external goals themselves disappear (project cancellations), I feel empty inside.

Lately, I've been reading a book on resilience and one of the things it teaches is the Stoic-based idea of valued living. Basically, you list out your values and live your life in the service of those values and try not to focus too much on any external goals. (You can't control the outcome of those goals, but you can control your own behavior.)

Whether you succeed or fail, it doesn't matter. What matters is living your values. Maybe that means crafting the best software you can, or being most helpful to others, or being a really great parent and partner. What it doesn't mean is "I will get 1st place in this race" or "I will get promoted" or "This product will make a lot of money".

In the context of work, I also get bored after a couple of years at a job, and to be honest, a lot of that is based on external goals, either I've met them, or I just can't find any more.

It's definitely hard not to think in terms of external goals in a corporate job, though, as the company will ask you to list goals for yourself for the year and the business itself requires meeting specific ones to succeed.

[MentallyRetired]

I think the average in my 24 year career in software is about 2 years, maybe 2.5 tops.

[gowld]

"You know, it's very strange..."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W6-Dt1g2E18

[jordanmorgan10]

It is alarming how similar we are (low 30s, 4DWW, great marriage, kids, big house, etc) but I've had similar thoughts.

This sounds cliche and obvious, but it made a big difference for me:

I found myself dreaming of shipping a project, or writing a book - whatever. But, then I would stay in the dream or possibility of what could happen if I did those things - but I wasn't actually doing enough to make them happen.

So, I sat down on a Saturday morning, and wrote down what I would feel "unfulfilled" with in life if I didn't try them. Then, I wrote down a tangible plan to try them. It will takes years, but I will give them a go.

I found that for me, it was the "what if" that was killing me, so I am eliminating that element and will let the chips fall where they may.

[matt_s]

Remembering and referencing Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs just now ... this is the top of the pyramid - Self Actualization - achieving full potential including creative activities. Maybe this vision/desire becomes more prevalent in SW Engineers (in US at least) in their 30's or 40's because you've got the bottom tiers completed (I know its not like a video game skill tree) and possibly have Esteem met with being accomplished in comparison to many other careers. Tech is a sought after field, known to have high income and requires a certain mindset to be good at it. Being good, not even great, at Tech in the US gets you thru the bottom 4 pretty well.

If your job lacks any avenue towards creativity or path towards self-actualization professionally (like being "known" in tech, building a widely used thing, writing a tech book, etc.) then you seek out other avenues towards self-actualization.

My problem is having these ideas of things that I want to do, like an idea for a novel as an example, but not knowing how/where to start or just plain ignoring the sheer amount of work that is required and day-dreaming about it. That's not at the top of my list but that idea keeps percolating up at times. I like your approach about writing down a plan to fulfill those self-actualization types of things.

An example where I've realized its a lot more work is building a desk top out of walnut for a sit/stand desk. From roughly cut boards to a finished top looks easy on youtube videos. Squaring a board to join with other boards without pro tools is a lot of work. So much work, much more than I thought. Some of the work is part of the process of learning.

[perfectjob]

> But, then I would stay in the dream or possibility of what could happen if I did those things - but I wasn't actually doing enough to make them happen.

I know that one too well :) What do you have on your list? Just different things in areas of life or mainly productive-related stuff?

[daxfohl]

Yeah, making a 1 year, 5 year, 10 year, 20 year plan and getting started with it helped a lot for me.

[com2kid]

> Most days, I do not have to interact with anyone from work, not even customer contact.

The most satisfying job I had as an software engineer had me working side by side with other amazing engineers, the types of people who have Wikipedia articles about the stuff they've accomplished in life.

Plenty of people work jobs earning less $ if they have an amazing group of people to work with. Sitting side by side with someone who is a catalyst for brilliance is worth a lot, because it adds a lot to your level of personal fulfillment.

> I work from home. My job is technically interesting, and I still learn/improve.

How much do you improve? How hard have you stretched yourself? I've worked with people who made me go far beyond what I thought I could ever do. That was technically interesting. Learning how to read clock diagrams and calculate memory access latencies to see if my algorithms could even run, that was technically interesting.

Working until 11pm at night listening to metal music sitting side by side with another engineer as we tried to write gesture recognition algorithms on a capacitive touch sensor that only had 6 pads (lol), that was interesting (and frustrating).

Do I enjoy my 9-5 now? Sure. But it isn't satisfying. Pushing the industry forward is satisfying. Building foundational technologies is satisfying. Fighting tooth and nail to make technology do the impossible, that is satisfying.

[AlbertCory]

The people telling you to try stuff NOW, rather than later: 100%. Do not think "when I'm retired, I'll have time for this."

I'd always felt bad that I didn't practice and become a great guitar player in my teens and play in bands, like the guys I admired (and let's not even talk about the famous rock stars). So around age 40 I started singing, and then I took piano lessons. I got to be in choruses in some operas and operettas. Was this exactly my fantasy? No, but I at least got some proficiency, and got to perform in front of people who paid for it.

I found it wasn't all that great, for me, which I probably would have discovered in my 20s. But now I don't have that regret anymore. I did it.

Same for traveling: I've been to 26 countries. Coincidentally, travel sucks with COVID, so I couldn't do that now even if I wanted to. People who say "we'll travel when we retire" are kidding themselves. When you're in your late 60s, all you'll be up for is a cruise with other 60-somethings. Boring! And that's if you're even healthy enough.

I won't comment on all the other suggestions: therapy, meditation, helping others, your kids. Not that there's anything wrong with them, but hey -- I don't have all the answers for you.

[aidenn0]

Bill Withers[1] is my hero for this. He enlisted in the Navy at 17 and while in the Navy found an interest in music. Left the navy at 27 and (while working a day job) recorded his first song at 29, with his first hit at 31 (The Grammy winning Ain't no Sunshine). At 45 he retired, citing creative differences with his label as the reason.

1: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bill_Withers

[olegious]

Just a note, travel is pretty great now once you’re past the airline bullshit. I’ve been traveling for the last month through parts of Italy and Eastern Europe, all restrictions have been lifted and things aren’t as crowded as pre covid.

[Vanderson]

Focusing on other people will take your focus off yourself.

I have found satisfaction in helping others. The less personal time I have, the more I value it and the more satisfying life generally is. Also, this is very likely temporary, as your kids get older your life will change with them. They will have more and more adult and complicated life needs.

I found that forcing myself to do things differently based on other people's advice (especially when I didn't feel like it) often brought extremely unexpected results. But there is a massive inertia with changing who you are and the day to day choices you make.

[kelseyfrog]

You've gotten some answers, some of them good, but I haven't seen this one yet and it changed my life.

You can accept that this feeling is normal - that your hunger for something more is insatiable, that this is just how things are and to accept it. That's one way to view it, sure, but do you really want to package that feeling up, box it, and push it away? You might push it so far down you lose sight of it and forget about it entirely. This can work for some, but these things have a habit of popping back up later in life with much more veracity. It can fester like a splinter in your mind.

What so many people are suggesting is foreclosing[1] on figuring out what you want. What gives your life meaning is completely aligned with figuring out what you want and who you are. You're in a great position to do just that - many people in recent years have found themselves in exactly the same position and reëvaluated their lives.

To do so, understand that finding your own meaning involves both a high degree of exploration and a low degree of certainty. When you find it, you'll know because you will feel a low degree of exploration and a high degree of certainty. Exploring what you need is a process of making hypotheses, trying them out, and evaluating their effects on yourself. Do they make you feel satisfied with your life, or do they leave you wanting more? If they leave you wanting more, keep exploring. You don't have to foreclose.

1. Marcia, J. E. (1980).

[bluedino]

Find something else to do that isn't work. Something you can look forward to leaving work for.

My dad stacked boxes of pickles for 30 years. I don't remember him complaining about work to my mom, or to us. I don't think he even ever looked for another job. He just went to work and came home at the end of the day.

[thenoblesunfish]

Try to unask the question. These sorts of existential questions usually contain huge assumptions within them. Here, the obvious one is that the assumption that it's possible to feel "enough" in life. A very similar question is "What is the meaning of life?" To phrase it that way makes it seem like there must be an answer, like "what is the meaning of 'cat'?" These are not really questions - they are emotions. You don't answer emotions - you sit with them, you share them with those closer to you, you process them, you get some sleep.

[gffrd]

Contentment doesn't come externally: you summit one mountain, only to see others in the distance. Once you've climbed the tallest, what do you conquer next?

You're at the top of a mountain. You're in a great place. You can feel proud of this.

You now get to choose a new thing(s!) to conquer … as others have mentioned, maybe it's getting involved in an organization you believe in, maybe it's starting a project, heck maybe it's making pottery every day.

The feeling of satisfaction/"enough" is important to feel: you're becoming aware that you have more ambition/ability in the tank … but don't let it boss you around: use it to apply your attention to something you care about.

There's an unlimited amount of "more" to want. You'll never be satisfied with it. It's not about "settling down" … it's just that you've "solved" one part of your life well enough to be able to not worry about it for a while.

[mat24a]

In the christian view earthly things will never statisfy us, as what we are seeking is the infinite. So only what is infinite can statisfy us, however there is only one such thing in existence: God.

People who have not realized this or do not want to realize this will be stuck restless going from one thing to another. As St. Augustine famously put it: "You have made us for yourself, O Lord, and our heart is restless until it rests in you."

As for practical advice I cant offer much exept that you should build an awarness of how much is given in your life. Your job, your wealth, your wife, your kids are all given to you and can be taken from you again at any moment. Especially your life is something you did not merit by your own actions at all, life was given to you and it will be taken from you without you having much of a choice in it.

Obviously I recommend finding God, but there is no set "algorithm" for finding him. For some people its enough to be convinced intellectually, for some its not. I dont know you so I dont know what you would respond to. The only general thing I could say is that you should try to keep yourself open to God.

[philote]

I'm in a very similar situation, and I don't think it's the "hedonic treadmill" as others have suggested. I believe the key here is you saying "I dream about doing my own thing or retiring early to do other projects.".

I, personally, have a ton of different interests, yet have to spend most of my time doing only one (my job). I also help around the house, spend time with my wife and kids, etc. But that means very little time to pursue most of my interests (and when I have time, I don't always have the energy). I don't think you're wanting "more" in general, just more freedom to do other projects that interest you.

I know I personally yearn for the day I can retire and work on whatever I want. Unfortunately I won't be retiring early, so I'm doing all I can now to make sure I can retire comfortably and have the money I need to allow me to pursue my interests. To help in the meantime, I'm acknowledging each little victory towards that goal and also trying to organize/automate other things in my life to allow me to have more time now.

[rdegges]

You are experiencing normal human ambition. It’s natural to want more.

The important things I’ve done to make myself feel more satisfied in my life are:

- Be grateful for the things you have. Write about them in a journal, talk about them with your spouse, etc. - Give back. Donate money to a cause you care about, get your hands dirty volunteering, do something to make the world a little better. - Recognize that you’ll never be 100% satisfied and that’s OK. Continue moving up in your career, invest in keeping your relationships strong, etc. Don’t get lazy.

[skadamat]

I would check out Cal Newport's recent "Deep Life" philosophy / manifesto that he's been blogging & podcasting about.

- https://www.calnewport.com/blog/2020/04/20/cultivating-a-dee...

- https://www.calnewport.com/blog/2020/03/17/the-deep-life-som...

He talks about building a life of your own choosing around the things that matter in some key buckets:

- Craft: usually your day job - Community: volunteering, religion, family, whatever it is for you - Constitution: mental, physical health - Contemplation: matters of the soul (reading philosophy, following a religion if that's relevant, reflecting, etc)

Also as many people have pointed out, the hedonic treadmill is real! There's nothing wrong with wanting to grow 1% in the core aspects of your life for the rest of your life. That seems like a life well lived to be honest!

But if you can wake up every day, look at your deep life playbook that you defined, internalize your own definitions of the 4 C's and then abide by those definitions ... then you can end each day knowing that you're living a "deep life" and hopefully gain some internal silence and gratitude!

Of course this is easier said than done :]

[thorw73m]

He makes some great point on deepwork and cites verifiable research. But you should be careful as he is totally against watching porn and worse favors religion.

[amotinga]

check out maslow pyramid of needs. you're on level 3. for me it goes something like:

1. body - food, water, shelter, sleep. check 2. safety - freedom, stability. check 3. love and belonging: friends & family. check 4. self realization: prestige, respect, achievements.. ???? that's your next step. 5. the dream: full complete realization of ones potential.

read up on this thing, check it out.

also maybe useful questions to ask:

1. how is my last month going to look like - how do I wanna die. invision it. 2. maybe think. what would you do if you only had week, month, year to live? maybe go do it? is it realy impossibly to do while paying mortgage? chances are it isnt.

also, maybe list things you like about yourself and things you dont like. wanna work on those you dont like?

[aqme28]

This makes me think of Anthony Bourdain, the man who had probably the most envied job in the world, but still suffered from depression and took his own life.

A perfect job does not prevent or cure depression.

[kuramitropolis]

Nice turn of phrase.

>A former user of cocaine, heroin, and LSD, Bourdain wrote in Kitchen Confidential of his experience in a SoHo restaurant in 1981, where he and his friends were often high. Bourdain said drugs influenced his decisions, and that he sent a busboy to Alphabet City to obtain cannabis, methaqualone, cocaine, LSD, psilocybin mushrooms, secobarbital, tuinal, amphetamine, codeine, and heroin.[125]

Well, a complex enough person, he was.