Getting Out of a Rut

[beepdyboop]

Lately, I’ve just been trying to get by.

Feels like my body has been running on autopilot. The consequence of which life just seems to go by even faster. Losing the ability to relax and the feeling of self-control, over-indulging in endless feeds of videos, games and services that further drain the energy that I so crave to return. To a point where it feels more like an addiction, with my body now responding with physical discomforts and a relapse of anxiety that I have not felt for years.

But I think everything’s going to be alright.

Getting out of bed is a drag, my apartment might be a bit messy, work and relationships not going as well I’d like, procrastinated every possible task that needs to be done.. You know. Right now, I’m just surprised to find myself writing about it whilst grateful to be acknowledging that I’m in a rut.

I'm motivated to get out of this. At the same time I’m scared I’ll just go back to autopilot on Monday.

In February, I’ll become a father and I want to be there for my son.

Where do I go from here?

[dQw4w9WgXcQ]

As someone in a "rut" recently, one of the things I realized was I needed to stop telling myself the story that I'm in a rut, because describing it as a "rut" focuses on a lot of externals I can't control.

When you get a flat tire you can catastrophically repeat over and over to yourself that "I've got a flat!" and point at it and run circles around the car and wonder what you're going to do and "omg I've got a flat this is terrible", or you can start telling yourself the story of the actions you're taking to fix the flat: 1) I'm finding the jack, 2) I'm loosening the lugs 3) I've got the spare ready, 4) you get the idea...

Reclaim your power and focus on the positive actions you are taking as minute as those seem in the moment. Meditate deeply on those, maybe even journal them daily so you force your brain to stare at the evidence that while you might feel like you're in a rut you are logically taking good steps through this rut experience.

Btw, don't underestimate the impact of the stresses of coming fatherhood, you've got a lot going on unconsciously that's less a "rut" and more like your entire biology reconfiguring itself for a new daily role. You do need to make some changes, ideally make a list of what your brain is telling you to change, but you'll be OK man.

[robg]

This. Right. Here.

Struggling with anxiety and depression for 20+ years, I find little activities help show my brain I’m not in a rut, I’m finding progress every day. Start with good sleep to refresh yourself, better nutrition to power your body, daily exercise to burn off stress and being mindful of the little moments. Having those four wheels spinning is needed for daily traction.

And now as a Dad, those little activities involve making pancakes or pushing a swing. Hard to see the rut when your kid is smiling back. Prioritize that time with them, it goes fast!

[orblivion]

I really appreciate this because it's effectively the same advice as the "it's on you, stop complaining, stop feeling sorry for yourself, etc" stuff, except it's not at all condescending or demeaning, and it has more specific useful steps. I'm no longer in the rut I was in mid-to-late pandemic but this seems like a useful attitude for other areas in which I feel stuck.

[vidyesh]

I don't think the problem is how you narrate it to yourself. I agree you have to stop saying you are in some kind of rut at some point to start acting to get out of it but the reason why that difficult to do when you are in a rut is because unlike in case of "I've got a flat", the end result is not in sight.

Changing a flat has been done a million times so it a known blueprint you can follow, its easier to do such things even when you don't feel like doing it as it requires very little (mental)energy to do something you are instructed to do without the burden of responsibility, consequences and the certain nature of conclusion from it.

Whereas when it comes to your own life, vague steps are given and each of your action leads to some consequence which you have to tackle. You could face uncertainty in every step. You can lay down the steps other people take to get out of rut but you can be certain your path and your journey will be different from theirs which is scary and likely to add more stress.

So your point of claiming your power and focus is the real key imo, you gain that which gives you to confidence and the will power to handle uncertainty even when you are scared.

I apologize if this came out very confusing as I feel I could write a blog post about it with my scattered thoughts so its hard to condense my thought process into a smaller message.

[Comevius]

Welcome to depression. You are burned out and fighting for a dopamine hit, hence the overindulgence. From time to time you become motivated to change, which too becomes a source of dopamine, dreaming about doing it, but never following through, because you never have the energy, and motivation is just as fleeting as the high you get from porn, games and food is.

The first thing you can do for yourself is changing your environment, or at least your routine, to as significant degree as you are able to, to avoid those frequently taken pathways in your brain that are wired to familiar signals. Non-familiar is your friend. Becoming a father should be able to help with that. We are highly affected by context, so fixing your room and your appearance will also help.

The second thing you can do yourself is introspection. You have to start to face the music, no matter how painful. You can't run away from your problems Shinji. To be able to deal with them, you have to identify them. Know thyself. This is where a psychologist can be helpful.

The catch is that both of these takes energy, support even, so don't fret if you keep failing, but don't give up either, escapism is not the answer. I have a useful tactic for bridging the intention-action gap:

1. Make it easy (effort) by increasing your ability to act or minimizing cost. Tiny steps, worth doing badly.

2. Make it attractive (reward, incentive), increasing motivation by highlighting benefits.

3. Make it timely.

Time and effort discounts the value of reward. We are wired to obtain rewards as soon as possible, spending the least amount of energy. The solution is to think big in the long-term, but small in the short-term. The cumulative effect takes care of the rest.

Besides this tactic of how to act, you need a strategy (what to do, what not to do, how to avoid bad cumulative effects, how to promote good ones) and a direction (how you perceive reality, flexibility, self-compassion helps here, as do a psychologist).

Again, don't forget, motivation is temporary. Small changes and improvements every day are cumulative. It still takes energy, support even, which is where fitness, sports, talking to the people in your life, making new friends can help. You can't always do it on your own.

[vidyesh]

I am a victim of bursts of motivation and then suddenly I have zero energy to keep up with what I have been doing which was good for me. And then I slowly slip into the bad habits I thought I had gotten rid off and then motivation comes back and the vicious circle continues.

I read about how important energy is, how energy management is key to everything. And the best way I read is to manage energy and not crash by the end of the day which can give that balance you need to keep going everyday without wavering from your goal(s).

But I seldom read about how to replenish energy effectively or how to have enough energy that by the end of the day you don't crash but have enough energy to keep doing things you want to do.

[xg15]

> Becoming a father should be able to help with that.

Gotta admit, on the first read I missed OP's announcement that he's about to become father already.

Just for the record, do not have a child as an attempt to escape depression :)

[Scandiravian]

I think these are good pieces of advice, though I'd also add reaching out to trusted friends, family, and/or partner(s) to tell them about the situation

Something like "I think I have a depression. I want to get better I need support to do that. Could you help me by being a body double/help me clean my apartment/whatever?"

Involving other people creates accountability, which can help with the motivation on rough days

Finally, I'd also recommend seeing a mental health professional to determine if it's necessary to get treatment (which could be cognitive therapy, medication, or a mixture of both)

[orblivion]

Regarding the dopamine hit, I decided to cut my coffee consumption to once a week back in May. (Also basically quit Twitter, though that was both positive and negative stimulation, so maybe it doesn't quite apply here). I knew I took it as an escape from difficult parts of work. It sometimes worked, it helped me power through stuff in the moment, but I had a hunch that it somehow was holding me back in the long run. Good to hear a similar thing echoed here. Perhaps my decision is paying off now.

[hsn915]

Cleanup your room. Cleanup your appearance (hair, beard, cloths, etc).

Taking care of yourself reaffirms to your brain that you value yourself, and will get you moving again in the right direction.

If I may "guess" what's going on:

You are becoming a father but you weren't planning on it, or the mother is not the right person for you, but you feel obligated and so you have no choice?

First of all, you always have a choice. Do your duty, but do it out of your own volition, not out of fear of being seen in a negative light by society / parents / etc.

If you must, try doing things that would upset people whom scold you fear. Quit your job and try to find another one or become independent and work contracts while building up a business.

Do something that you believe in your gut is the right thing to do even though it will upset some people. You will feel such a relief. Now you can act out of your own volition.

Now, do this with every aspect of life. Do what you believe is right. Take people's input if you must, but own the decision and don't be afraid of their reactions.

[tartoran]

I also sugested this but as decluttering. I’ve done it years ago, my house is now emptyish, less furniture too as well as less stuff in general including the digital realm as well.

[fy20]

I would not suggest trying to change your job or start a business when you first become a father.

The first few months or so it's easy to leave everything to the mother, as the baby is basically just feeding and sleeping and pooping. It seems that you don't need to do much, so can take life easy and take on new projects. Wrong. This is when you need to do the most.

if you have family living nearby who can look after the child that will help a lot. If you don't, then sorry, you just need to accept that the next few years are going to be very demanding for you. If it's an option to relocate to be closer, I would highly suggest you take it.

[tux2bsd]

Make your bed as soon as you get up. (To add to your first sentence)

[_huayra_]

Make good decisions when you're feeling well that make bad decisions when you're feeling impulsive harder. Example: buy only good food / no alcohol / etc when you shop; when those emotions well up that typically trigger going towards the bad thing to consume, it just doesn't exist. It's amazing how NOT hungry one actually is when you actually would have to do so much as microwave something!

Show up daily, even in a small way. BJ Fogg's Tiny Habits stuff goes over this exhaustively, but basically it's better to go to the gym to do 1 minute of exercise than to not go at all, as it's more about building your identity than doing the actual thing effectively.

You should consider changing your relationship with your regret, so you can use it as this "pointy stick to motivate yourself" instead of this dull, directionless pain that pervades your life. This book is great [0].

Ask yourself "would I regret NOT doing this?" often. Would you regret not looking at this Orange Website, even if you feel the urge? Keep looking at your life through this lens to understand what you'll regret, and steer your ship accordingly.

[0] https://www.danpink.com/the-power-of-regret/

[mrj]

These things happen. As I have gotten older, one of the most important things I have learned is that productivity is not a straight line. It's waves for me. Sometimes I'll be very interested and do great work, other days.. I should spend some time managing Jira or something.

Don't beat yourself up. You're not a machine. Address the things that are bringing you down by finding better replacements. Take time to form habits you prefer and let the rest sort itself out. Try to work towards small daily goals.

[andor]

Scrolling through online feeds is an addiction.

Best thing seems to be to go cold turkey. Instead you could do something meditative (e.g. taking walks, sports) or something that allows you to enter a flow state (e.g. reading a book).

Getting out of bed can be difficult, so it's best done out of habit and without thinking.

Some pointers

Anna Lembke On The Neuroscience of Addiction: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jziP0CEgvOw

Implementation intentions to form new habits: https://sites.google.com/site/unlvhowtolearn/implementation-...

[andor]

Oh, and one thing to keep in mind is that motivation follows action. Just do something (or in your case, stop doing something) for a while and you'll start to enjoy it.

[SCUSKU]

Hey man, I totally know where you're coming from. I experienced burnout which led to depression. Boy did it not feel good. My will to live was at an all time low and I was also in a bad mood, felt completely disinterested in doing things. I was in denial though, and once it got to a breaking point I was able to surpass my internally held stigma against seeking help.

I ended up seeking a psychiatrist who put me on prozac and wellbutrin, and started doing weekly therapy. It helped a lot, and I'm doing much better these days and I am no longer on the medication, just doing talk therapy.

For you, I would say consider seeking help from a psychiatrist, and just talk to them. They won't always put you on medication.

But I think more importantly, you should look for a therapist that you like and helps you. I was fortunate to find a great one on my first try, but talking to my therapist just lets me air all my life grievances, feel heard, and helps me just let go of things that don't matter.

It sounds like your symptoms are different than mine, so I think it makes sense to seek help from a professional.

Best of luck, this is a great first step to seeking help though, best of luck OP.

[cyberdata]

Get physically active. You would need a LOT of energy to be around your son. I wish I was fitter when I became a father. That would have really helped.

Once you get more energy, things will fall into place. So keep that as your first priority.

[boruto]

It gets progressively more physically demanding, Much more if the baby has health or other issues.

I used to get heavy migraine attacks, I could just shut myself in a room go to sleep and recuperate. Now I pop couple or even three ibuprofen to get by.

[SamPatt]

This advice is almost always good regardless of circumstance.

Achieving and maintaining a healthy weight, and being fit enough to care for yourself and others as long as you can, are life-changing decisions for the better.

[gautamdivgi]

Get a complete panel of bloodwork done. I was feeling rather chill, unmotivated but not depressed. Also symptoms and fatigue and delayed recovery from exercise. I have lower levels of hormones and definitely low on testosterone.

Disclaimer: not a doctor, just narrating my experience. I would talk to your doctor and see if all is good there.

[dazc]

You're smart enough to ask for help, take on board the helpful comments and stay engaged.

Get out of the house for several hours a day, even if it is just walking around aimlessly, as it will give you perspective and clear your mind; the physical exercise won't hurt either.

This is something we all go through at some stage of our lives - it is normal, don't fall into the trap of thinking otherwise.

[pkrotich]

Glad you’re sharing - it helps to seek professional help too.

Not trying to connect the dots - but perhaps you’re anxious and scared about being a parent with someone you don’t want to be with longterm and you feel conflicted? (Been there myself)

I know it’s hard to pinpoint source of such spirals but try your best to be there for your child - let that be the motivation and guiding star (not work) and I can assure you you’ll be excited about life again when the focus is not on you!

For starters - put together a nursery and baby proof the house. I can assure that alone will have your place organized and super clean. Take parenting class and meet others.

You’ll be an awesome father my dear friend and congratulations!

[lacoolj]

Biggest change you can immediately make that will have a direct, positive impact - clean your apartment.

Doesn't have to be the whole thing. Focus on one manageable area or category, like laundry, bathrooms, vacuum, etc. Knock it out, then choose the next most logical (just swept? now mop).

Hard to get going at first, but once you start, sometimes it's just as hard to stop.

[audiometry]

Go on a three week video game moratorium. Get on a regular sleep schedule that wakes you up earlier than normal. Make task todo lists. Make “intentions for the week” lists. Make the items small grains of sand sand. Tick them off as you finish some of them. It won’t be everything probably. Get yourself on a program of your choosing and it becomes a virtuous cycle.

Talk to someone too. Not commiserate, which isn’t helpful, but someone who could help or offer objective advice or just even understand you better after you say your piece.

[knicholes]

I just did this, and surprisingly it really did help. I started playing "Satisfactory." I found the little successes of progressing felt like when I succeeded at writing a nice clean function. I think the rut, for me, was caused by constantly changing requirements and having no feelings of success.

[mohave529]

I'm sorry you're going through a difficult time right now. It's very admirable to that you're looking to help yourself to better be there for your child.

I found myself in a similar situation 2 years ago, when it felt like the world was collapsing around me and the narrative of my life falling to pieces was the dominant soundtrack in my mind.

There was no easy fix, but I do believe that taking up a mindfulness/meditation practice was what helped me to become what I believe is the happiest I've been ever in my life for well over a year now.

The biggest change for me was the weakening of the feeling of the self as a distinct concept and the narrative attached to it. When that dropped away it was incredible how many habits that improved my quality of life just started happening. My sleep routine became fixed, I started exercising almost every day, and my friendships blossomed.

It's hard to describe - but these changes seemingly arose out of observation rather than an act of will.

Just one suggestion out of many, but I hope you find yourself feeling less stuck in the near future.

[PKop]

Lift weights and get sunlight and vitamin D, which will boost energy and testosterone, and thus motivation. If you're not doing the physical/health necessities as a baseline foundation, nothing else will work. Start there.

Good books to motivate drive for masculine purpose, including prioritizing the body instead of modern tendency to a sedentary isolation of the mind apart from the body:

Bronze Age Mindset by Bronze Age Pervert https://www.goodreads.com/en/book/show/40388177-bronze-age-m...

Sun and Steel by Yukio Mishima https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/62804.Sun_Steel

Goodluck

[ohiovr]

If you have a job, count that as a blessing. The internet has made most of us materialists and carnal. It sure did that to me. I recently sold my powerful desktop and traded my monitor for a few hundred bucks and I've been left with a bunch of cables that I no longer need nor wish sell. So I'm just going to hand them to Goodwill. I have been cleaning my whole apartment from wall to wall now for the last week and a half. I will be 100% done tomorrow.

My apartment did not show evidence of life in it for years because I was too concentrated on my monitor screen. Life and the days rolled by seemingly I was barely in it to make any difference. I finally got a job that I like that is not tech oriented and now I spend most of my time standing and although my feet hurt I feel stronger now because of it.

I had a lot of high hopes with some work that I was doing but I was not thinking clearly to see it was really just a hobby that can't have legs.

The process of liquidation takes a certain threshold. When you start to notice it is already a little late. I took out 7 contractor sized bags of laundry and did the wash on anything made of fabric. I then took my wardrobe and started tossing stuff I didn't like or donating the better parts that didn't fit to the thrift. I replaced all my tshirts with polo to match my new employer dress code. Each shirt only cost $4 to replace from the salvation army (new ones would cost at least 4 times as much). I got smaller pants that now fit mostly without a belt though I still have wear one.

I spent about $150 of my new money for things like pillows and bedding and throw pillows and some GFS food.

I did some fun entertaining in my now clean apartment today. I made gyros from a kit I bought and made a salad for my brother. After that I toasted some marshmallows on the range and made smores in the oven. I have found that food pleases more than music if you know how to do either.

I've got plans to do some more entertaining now that I can do it. I didn't think of that when I started but now it seems doable. The more face time I have the better I feel. I think the Lord is behind us for downsizing. We really don't need a lot of the stuff we've acquired.

[dubeye]

I felt much the same before my kid was born. I would concentrate on enjoying what time you have left as a free man to tick off any bucket lists that might be tricky being tied to your kids post code.

[andrewallbright]

Any advice for others going through this phase of their life? I have a terrible feeling this will be me; when I think of having a child I do think about it as if I will only be living for someone else (which is fine) but I have ambitions I want to materialize.

How has living a post child life given you more insight into your pre child thoughts?

[mtalantikite]

First I’d say find joy in the fact that you’re even acknowledging that you’re at this point. Like all things, the situation is impermanent and you know that something can change if you put the effort in.

When I was at a similar point I decided to commit myself to a physical practice. I didn’t know what it would be, but I knew changing my body and my relation to it would somehow unlock things. It’s going to look different for everyone, but for me I started by conquering my fear of swimming (early childhood trauma from drowning). I then started going to a gym, didn’t love it, but took some strength classes and did a lot of cardio on the rowing machine. I then fell into an intense physical yoga practice of 5x week for three years, which was life changing. Then I found myself training Muay Thai. Just find something that works for you and where your body is at. As a music teacher of mine said to me, there’s nothing wrong with being where you’re at, just keep practicing.

In the midst of all that I spent two years in therapy, during which time I wrote in a journal every day (based off of morning pages from the artist’s way). It was super helpful to have an established physical practice while working with a therapist, as a lot of stuff comes up and often times the best thing to do is to move it physically out of your body (check out “The Body Keeps the Score” if you haven’t yet).

But, don’t think too much about the whole path. Just start with a single commitment to something and keep walking.

[max_hammer]

Consult a doctor. These symptoms are similar to depression. If you live a area with less sunlight test Vitamin D tested.

Also, becoming a father is a big change and you need to be mentally prepared for it and mind went into defence mode (depression).

Something you can try at home

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. More varied diet helps in Vitamin and nutrition deficiency.

2. Go out on walks.

3. Do not take media to bed. Buy a good reading lamp + physical book or a kindle/remarkable.

4. Put your phone in Grayscale mode.

5. Go to a vacation. Even booking a hotel in same city for a Weekend will give you much needed break.

[sokoloff]

If this is your first kid, I can recall the intense mix of happiness and “oh shit, the game just changed!” feelings when we were expecting our first. That seems totally normal/expected based on my experience.

I can’t give specific advice, but can say that, for me, getting started on some mildly unpleasant task is far more challenging than the reality of completing it. I can spend hours dreading a five minute task. Knowing that rationally and calling myself out on my own bullshit works for me (a lot, but not all, of the time).

Good luck.