Ask HN: Concise, pragmatic baby manual for first-time dad?

[strix_varius]

Our baby is due in September and I want to be prepared. What is the best data-driven, tactical field-guide that you found before becoming a parent?

I've started reading a few, but there's a mountain of choice and so far, these books are about 80% fluff. They pontificate like recipe websites, despite having no ads in the pages. I'd ideally like to find a book that goes over:

1. What I need to do

2. When I need to do it

3. Why it's important

4. Absolutely nothing else

I'd especially like to avoid pseudo-science / instructions backed up by no data, paragraphs congratulating me on being a modern participatory dad, and anecdotes.

[barbazoo]

Even though it's something that's not much talked about in public the first thing I would recommend doing, and I absolutely hope it won't happen to you, is not to get too attached yet. You're still very early, 10 weeks probably, and the chances of having a miscarriage are far from zero. For me, I wasn't prepared at all, it was the saddest I've remembered ever feeling. After that, having done some looking things up, it's not uncommon and something that regularly happens.

Other than that, the single most useful advice someone once gave me was whenever baby is throwing tantrums, won't stop crying and you feel like it's stressing you out, maybe making you a little angry, always remember that baby is not giving you a hard time. It is _having_ a hard time and there's nothing baby can do. No ability to deal with that whatsoever, it needs your help. It's a mindset that helped me take the edge off many times in the beginning and became natural later on.

[conductr]

This good and uncommon advice. We had a miscarriage a day after the ?th week, when it's widely viewed as safe to "go public" and also a day after when my wife posted pics of the ultrasounds and stuff on social and went public. It's hard enough living it in private, the public part was the worst part because long after you got over it you still have people asking you "when are you due?" and having to reexplain it and hear their condolences, so on.

[hosh]

I'd like to speak a bit more about miscarriages, not to jinx the OP, but because this is rarely spoken about in the public. I don't meant to instill FUD, but rather, I'm trying to help others along with their own journey. I am going to use as plain a language as I can, not because I am trying to be cruel, or glorifying "harsh truths", but because I have found speaking plainly and simply helps a lot with grieving.

In my journey with my wife, we have had two miscarriages. The grief I felt also took me by surprise.

Early on, my wife would say, "we got pregnant!" At the time, I thought that was silly. Sure, we conceived, but biologically, she was pregnant and I was not. And I said so.

Well. I was wrong.

When the first miscarriage happened, the grief took me by surprise. How could I feel a sense of loss, when I am not the one biologically carrying the baby? Yet, that sense of loss was there. And it was then I realized, my wife was right -- we got pregnant. This was more than biology.

While my wife's body was starting to change in obvious ways, more subtly, so was my role. It wasn't just my wife's body changing to accommodate a growing body, but we together as a family was changing to accommodate a child, and that include changes with me.

Well before the birth of the child, I was already a father. When the fetus died, that loss as a father is real, and so is the grief that goes with it. When my wife's body expels the corpse, that's a birth. And before the birth, there was a death.

When the fetus dies in the uterus, current medical practices won't induce that birth without a medical reason, so the mother will carry the dead child until her body naturally gives birth to it. For her, she's carrying that reminder for at least a few days. As the father, there may be some biological distance from there, but this is part of what the family experiences together.

My wife and I ended up doing a small funeral and wake. We named the baby, buried it on our lands. Funerals don't help the dead; it's in honoring the dead that funerals help those who live on.

OP, if you are reading this:

You are already a father, even if you have yet to hold your child in your arms.

And, the next major milestone is viability. Your wife probably knows which week that will be. This is the period in development that the child has a shot of staying alive even if not carried to full term. In between conception and birth are also check ups your wife will go through, including an organ scan and the glucose tests.

[andrewfromx]

The problem is you are not having "a baby" you are having "your baby" and each one is different. Also there are a million opinions on every subject you'll have to decide for yourself which side of the argument you're on. And it's impossible to decide just by reading ahead of time. I'll give you a great example from a friend who read ahead of time that glass bottles were the way to go, plastic bottles leak chemicals into the milk and are bad etc. After the 3rd glass bottle to break all over the floor he changed his mind and decided broken glass was more dangerous than plastic!

[deltarholamda]

You get this with diapers as well. Years ago, when cloth diapers started to become a thing again for environmental reasons, I tried to do the best research that I could on this.

For me, where I live, cloth diapers were not so great. If you have access to a good, convenient diaper service, then yes, the savings in water/power probably come out ahead. I did not, so disposable were better; even though they made a more permanent impact in a landfill, they made a smaller overall impact. It's not as easy a problem as one might think, and I tried to do the best I could. And, for what it's worth, the cost either way is more or less a wash.

All of my kids were fantastic sleepers. Some kids aren't, and nobody knows why. My kids were good eaters, not all are. Dunno why. I try to resist the urge to tell people the way we did things is the correct way, because it's possible that we just got a good roll on the dice on those things.

There are a lot of gimmicky things out there, and a lot of gimmicky ideas. You won't know if they work for you or not until you try them, and they may work for reasons that are completely unrelated. "Be flexible" isn't much of a plan, but it's the only one that works consistently because it isn't much of a plan.

[strix_varius]

I hear you, but I wonder if like in most fields, there are some basic truths that can be relied upon, but that total "juniors" will be ignorant of.

[ak217]

The vast majority of parenting advice out there is sanctimonious BS pushed by people who are either following a fad, using it as a way to establish themselves as some sort of in-group, or with some commercial motivation. For example, breastfeeding and sleep training are a minefield of guilt-tripping and unsubstantiated strongly held opinions. (If your partner does end up breastfeeding - which is by no means necessary - I do second the advice to have a few emergency breast hand pumps available. Also, in the US the hospitals push these giant awful Medela pumps - they are completely outclassed by https://babybuddhaproducts.com/).

Emily Oster is the one author I'm familiar with who comes close to countering this trend, but even she gets too prescriptive sometimes.

The basics of parenting are very simple in theory and pretty hard in practice - stay available, stay patient, stay positive, divide and conquer tasks with your partner, take enough care of yourself to enable the above, adjust as needed. There's not much that's universal beyond that. Your kid's experience will be highly personal to your kid and you'll want to look at the tools and resources available to you (ranging from nannies and food service to bottles/bibs/furniture) and keep evaluating what's working and what's not.

(Also second the other comments referring to miscarriages. They are much more common than you might imagine, and of course incredibly challenging in part because they're so hard to discuss.)

[switchbak]

No kidding. The mismatch between common recommendations in North America, and what people do all the world over is huge.

Co-sleeping in particular is this bizarre thing where all the professionals warn against it as if you're playing Russian roulette, while half the people I know do it themselves (and are afraid to talk about it). Nevermind that essentially the rest of the world does it, and we did it before 5 minutes ago.

I get that folks have different preferences and level of comfort, but the rigidity and judgement that gets pushed is kind of hard to believe. It seems like safetyism run amok.

[cushychicken]

Howdy! Our baby girl is one month old tomorrow. Three books that really helped me:

The Birth Partner by Penny Simkin - a handbook for all things labor and delivery, wonderful reference, and very cheap to get secondhand

Cribsheet by Emily Oster - data driven early childhood decisions. Super helpful from one month to 18 months.

Bringing Up Bébé by Pamela Druckerman - skip the book and read the 100 point appendix for max bang for least time invested (though I found it an enjoyable read)

Things no book told me:

* infants have no circadian rhythms for the first month or two, so you and your partner are largely in survival mode. Do what you can to help your partner get some sleep. We’ve found shift sleeping to be very helpful.

* Consider cooking and freezing a bunch of food a few weeks before your due date. Being able to heat up some pasta sauce or a burrito when you’re insane from sleep dep is a godsend.

Good luck. Everyone will want to tell you about the hard parts. No one can tell you about the rewards, and they are fabulous. I love being a dad and I hope you do too.

Edit: if it’s within your means, and you’re at all antsy about labor and delivery, a doula is a wonderful resource for you during delivery. Helps get the laboring partner through, and a good support for the other partner.

[Balgair]

Oster is great, good data driven advice.

[strix_varius]

Thank you and congratulations! I'll check those out.

[abstractbill]

Parenting is, in my experience, quite a bit like taking care of a drunk person who very slowly sobers up over several years.

The internet is generally a terrible place to get parenting advice/support/etc from. For some reason it's a topic that brings out the most judgemental in people.

Parents of one child are often the worst to talk to. They have figured out what works for their one kid, and are quite unaware that it doesn't generalize at all.

Mothers will (usually) feel instant love for their new baby. Fathers will often not, and it's easy to fall into the trap of thinking there must be something wrong with you for that. There isn't, it's all just hormones. Wait, and those feelings will come over time.

I think that's all I've got. Good luck!

[shrikant]

> Parents of one child are often the worst to talk to. They have figured out what works for their one kid, and are quite unaware that it doesn't generalize at all.

Parent of one child checking in -- strongly agree with you! I generally phrase myself very carefully around newer parents to avoid sounding like I'm giving general advice, and stress that I'm only talking about my experience with my kid -- and also, crucially, only when my thoughts on the matter are solicited.

The super judgey, sanctimonious tones of similar one-child parents who have everything figured out with their ONE SINGLE DATA POINT is really grating, and I try to steer the conversation away from there right away.

[config_yml]

I actually read life changing advice here on HN regarding putting my kids to sleep. Thanks @reitanqild

[ravishi]

I was in this same spot couple years ago. I read this book that was recommended in this very same forum. It's called Cribsheet: A Data-Driven Guide to Better, More Relaxed Parenting, from Birth to Preschool. It's by Emily Oster. It was helpful.

[aero142]

I really appreciated the economist view of parenting as trade-offs and acceptable risk she presents. The way medical information is communicated to general public is very binary and once a particular practice is recommended, it is treated as an absolute must. I'm sure this makes sense for communicating to the general public, but I am very capable of understanding risk and probability and making a weighted choice for what makes sense.

Also, the baby-industrial complex loves this binary view because it allows them to sell products that are "better".

[strix_varius]

Thank you! That one has come up several times in this thread.

[conductr]

Each kid is so different, anyone that gives you what you're asking for is just giving you a false sense of readiness.

You need patience. You need to learn to read their signs (hungry, full, tired, angry, etc) and be aware of the signs that will warrant escalating medical attention. You need to try and get on a schedule. You need to keep your relationship with your spouse alive (need? no, but it's best for the kid if you do).

You don't need to worry about actually fatherhood stuff for the first year, they're just digestive machines. Sure, it's good to be pleasant around them and invest time to bond with them. But, most of what you're doing is caring for an invalid.

Kids are incredibly adaptable and pretty easy to keep alive. So, "need" in a literal term is quite a low bar. Also, don't overthink it, it just happens and you react and adapt in usually an obvious way to situations you never could have dreamed you'd be in prior to being a parent.

This weekend my toddler came up to me and said "Dada, [pause], my wee wee got big?" I said "what?" and he pulled it out and showed me he got an erection and said "my wee wee is big now?" No book is going to tell you how to react to that and how to parent in the moment. FWIW, I said, "yeah you're a big boy and it will grow with you just like your feet" - completely ignored the erection part.

[sumeetjain]

Congrats!

I became a dad 17 months ago. I would do both 1 & 2 if possible, and 3 if you feel like it. Total time cost is less than a weekend.

1. The Birth Partner - https://www.pennysimkin.com/shop/the-birth-partner-5th-editi...

You can get by just skipping to the yellow-highlighted pages. They're 1-2 page How To's or summaries. Like a checklist of the stuff to put in your Go Bag.

2. Talk to different types of people about parenting and make notes about what's most important to you.

Don't leave out older people. Despite the mass amount of new literature about how to raise kids, being a parent hasn't changed that much in 2 generations.

3. Expecting Better - https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/310896/expecting-be...

Easy to skip to just the chapters you want to learn about. E.g. if you end up needing/wanting genetic testing, you could read that chapter and nothing else.

[strix_varius]

Thanks and congrats to you! I'll check those out.

[h2odragon]

Keep 'em clean, keep 'em fed, keep 'em near you (they can wander father as they age), do your best.

That pretty much sums up all the advice, I think. Good luck, kids are fun.

edit: You have time to get a puppy, now; and learn to deal with all the shit on easy mode. When the baby happens the puppy will be the perfect age to be an actual help watching the baby, and help raise the kid.

[D13Fd]

> Keep 'em clean, keep 'em fed, keep 'em near you (they can wander father as they age), do your best.

> That pretty much sums up all the advice, I think. Good luck, kids are fun.

Agreed.

> edit: You have time to get a puppy, now; and learn to deal with all the shit on easy mode. When the baby happens the puppy will be the perfect age to be an actual help watching the baby, and help raise the kid.

What is this insanity? Don't do this. I love dogs, but a young dog + a baby is a recipe for disaster. They do not help raise babies.

We did something similar for our second-to-last baby, mostly because our previous dog died and we wanted to decrease the chances that the new baby would be allergic. But a dog generally just fights for your attention (increasing your stress) and, worse, will wake the baby up occasionally if the dog is one that barks at visitors.

[D13Fd]

5 kids here. The reason they are all fluff is that there isn't that much to it. It's just a lot of work.

(1) Feed baby.

(2) Change baby.

(3) Clothe and bathe baby.

(4) Baby needs sleep.

(5) Transport baby.

(6) Troubleshooting

"Feed baby" typically boils down to breastfeeding or formula only. Breastfeeding is a whole field unto itself. But for formula, get some bottles and some formula, and follow the directions on the formula container.

"Clothe baby" - get some baby outfits, keep them clean. Give the baby a bath with a sponge and baby shampoo when the baby seems dirty. Get new outfits as they grow out of them.

"Change baby" means get some diapers, wipes, and diaper cream. Put the diaper on, flaps out, and change it when it's soiled. Use the cream if they have diaper rash.

"Baby needs sleep" - get some baby swaddlers that let you tie their arms up (ideally velcro). Follow the directions, and put the baby on their back on a flat dry surface in a bassinet or crib to sleep. When they are newborn, they sleep frequently. Listen for when the baby wakes up.

"Transport baby" - get a car seat and use it according to the directions.

"Troubleshooting" - our pediatrician gave us a little pamphlet that covers everything health wise (i.e., call them when fever exceeds x or if y or z occur) - I've heard that most pediatricians do. Other than health issues, mostly the issue is the baby crying or not sleeping. When those things happen, just google it and try things until something works. Pacifiers are great for some babies for both crying and sleeping, others not so much.

Newborns mostly just sleep and eat. Older babies sleep, eat, and get bored. Older still, they sleep, eat, and play/crawl. Soon thereafter you have a toddler.

[strix_varius]

Thank you!

[id00]

Based on my own recent experience:

1) no amount of books or articles will prep you for what to come 2) find a good pediatrician, listen to them 3) use your common sense, avoid comparing your baby behaviour with others

As for recommendations, the one that I found useful is https://parentingscience.com/ that usually has links to studies / science papers in their articles

[rootusrootus]

Every book I read was worthless, with the possible exception of whichever one it was that accurately described cry-it-out. But even then, I'd bet there was luck involved. My two kids are opposite in their ability to self-soothe, but paradoxically cry-it-out worked for both of them equally well, in about two hours in a single night. <insert observation that every kid is different>

The closest I have to a regret is that I wish I had somehow made even more time to spend with them. It goes so fast. So. Fast.

[hallman76]

Most parents aren't willing to subject their baby to a scientific study so there are a lot of areas where there just isn't enough data to make advice data-driven.

We found Harvey Karp's Happiest Baby on the Block really helpful with our newborn. It contains a lot of fluff. Reading it ahead of time will have little value - you need to see/understand your baby's temperament to understand how to apply the approaches in the book.

Best of luck! Kids are awesome!

[ajhurliman]

If they are crying, try walking around while carrying them. They cry much less while you’re walking. This is a lot more important than it may appear at first glance.

[strix_varius]

Sounds like a line from Hitchhiker's guide to the Galaxy!

[vorpalhex]

Baby Owner's Technical Manual

It covers the absolute basics with diagrams. Lovely little intro book.

The Montessori Baby

Covers the theory of what babies need and presents a good minimum of what they need without making you buy a ton. You won't and shoukd not 100% follow this book but adapt it for yourself.

Expecting Better and Crib Sheets

Oster does an excellent job at listing research, evaluating studies and drawing conclusions. Her substack is also worth while.

[strix_varius]

Those sound great, thank you

[hjuutilainen]

This is based on experience that nearly broke me almost ten years ago:

- It’ll be fine, don’t stress every detail

- Take care of yourself

- Get enough sleep

- Get enough sleep

- Get enough sleep

[mattlong]

Recent father of twins here. To reiterate points 3-5: if it is within your means, I cannot highly recommend a night doula/nanny enough. We have a night doula who comes five nights a week (work nights, Sunday - Thursday) for the first three months (currently in week 7). After fending for ourselves every Friday and Saturday, I can't imagine how drained I would constantly be without one.

[lawlesst]

In a similar vein, I would suggest preparing by exercising. Being a parent of young kids is more physical than you think, or at least I thought. Carrying them while carrying other things, carrying gear, lots of bending, general physical awkwardness, etc.

[afandian]

In the UK, the NCT[0] runs courses. I hope there are equivalents elsewhere.

They are a few weeks long, e.g. an evening a week. They cover the basics you mentioned, including practical stuff for the parents and the baby around pregnancy, birth and infancy. Being part of a cohort was valuable for discussing and socialising the ideas, and it was far more valuable to me than e.g. reading from a book. They were also a great support group in those early days.

Having a baby is like stepping onto a speeding escalator with no end in sight. It's amazing but incredibly draining. You can't be prepared for that, but getting habituated to the idea is useful, I think.

And if there was something you wanted to do or experience (movie, holiday, etc), do it before the baby comes.

And finally, you can't cuddle a baby too much. Give it as much love and attention as you can possibly spare.

[0] https://www.nct.org.uk/courses-workshops/nct-antenatal-cours...

[strix_varius]

Thanks, great advice. I'll look for a local group.

[warner25]

Four kids here, ages eight and under. The only advice that I give soon-to-be parents is to read the instructions on the website "My Baby Sleep Guide" before their baby is born and they're suffering from sleep deprivation and feelings of being overwhelmed and hopeless. The author is incredible, her website is a gold mine, but it's not very well organized so it takes some time to parse. As a starting point, I think these are the two most important pages...

http://www.mybabysleepguide.com/2010/02/sleep-problems-by-ag...

http://www.mybabysleepguide.com/2013/02/average-sleep-charts...

[strix_varius]

Thanks! I've noticed a strong trend here on tactics to be able to sleep.

[bradreaves2]

Sounds like you want the Army Ranger’s Field Guide to Infant Civilians, which sadly doesn’t exist. The kind of people who write books about parenting can’t help but put in anecdotes and cute stories.

That said, the most helpful resources for me have been:

1. Happiest Baby on the Block. Chapter 1 is an outline of the full book and is pretty close to what you ask for. I had never cared for a child before, and reading it before my daughter was born made me “baby whisperer” for the first week.

2. Everything from Emily Oster.

3. A standard text on pregnancy. “What to expect…” and “Bumpin” are actually not bad from your perspective. They tend to do a good job of outlining the essentials and spectra of choices without being too opinionated.

And finally: get set up with a good peds office before baby is born. Look for 7 day/week office hours and a 24 hour call line. We needed to contact ours the night we came home — don’t put this off till the kid is born!

[strix_varius]

Thank you! And yes, that's exactly what I'm looking for - until I realized you'd made up the title,I was ready to buy... Somebody write this then take my money!

Appreciate the recs, I'll check them out.

[SomeCollegeBro]

I'm sorry to tell you this, but everything in life cannot be algorithmically driven. As others have said, generally speaking your baby is YOUR baby and you have to learn as you go and adapt. Take it a few days at a time, tackle the current issues, and repeat.

On the data driven side, Emily Oster and her prenatal (Expecting Better) and postpartum (Cribsheet) books are great resources, but they hardly prepare you for parenting. Those books can help you make some macro decisions for sure, but overall parenting is an experience which will likely be the most mentally challenging thing you've done, barring any exceedingly traumatizing events.