Ask HN: I Need to Talk to Someone

[nas1throway]

Laid off 6 months ago. Was on an H1-B visa. Moved to spouse’s dependent visa. I have just around year left on my H1-B and my previous employer was mid way through the PERM process when they laid me off.

Most companies don’t want to hire me because of the delays in the processing of PERM these days since I have just a year left. And I just recently switched careers from construction to data.

Feeling really hopeless and alone. My spouse has a good job, but this stress of not getting any work has been devastating to me. It took me around 8 months of job searching to find a role as a career switcher and now I’m back to square one in a bad market. I don’t have anybody I can talk to and just want to talk about my problems.

I’m parked outside a Burger King parking lot in the car by myself and don’t have a clue on what I should do.

Feeling hopeless.

[neom]

It's a difficult position. Many of us are teetering on the edge. I couldn't support my wife and I while she continued what she was working on, I had to move home with my parents while she continued on her own so at least one of us could move forward. I felt ashamed, unless, hopeless. We spent over 6 months apart, but our marriage survived, and so did I.

This really helped me:

When despair for the world grows in me

and I wake in the night at the least sound

in fear of what my life and my children’s lives may be,

I go and lie down where the wood drake rests in his beauty on the water,

and the great heron feeds.

I come into the peace of wild things

who do not tax their lives with forethought of grief.

I come into the presence of still water.

And I feel above me the day-blind stars waiting with their light.

For a time I rest in the grace of the world, and am free.

- Wendell Berry

Get out into nature for a day, leave your phone at home, observe reality, walk. The world is mighty, and so are you. :)

[fredoliveira]

Absolutely lovely.

Not OP, but thank you for that.

[slantaclaus]

ChatGPT says "I felt ashamed, unless, hopeless." is not a grammatically correct sentence but it makes sense to me.

[surprisetalk]

It doesn't feel like it right now, but you're going to get through this.

If you need to vent, feel free to schedule a call with me

[1] https://calendly.com/taylor-town/30min

or shoot me an email

[2] [email protected]

I'm not a professional, so definitely consider finding one. I've been doing therapy for years, and it's really helpful:

[3] https://www.betterhelp.com

[aaur0]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. It sounds like you've been through a lot in the past few months, and it's completely understandable that you're feeling hopeless and alone. It's great that your spouse has a good job, but I can imagine that the stress of not being able to find work is really tough on you.

I want you to know that you're not alone in this. There are many people who have been in similar situations, and there is help available. I'm here to listen to you and offer any support I can. There are a lot of options for you. O1 Visa is one of them.

In terms of practical help, have you considered reaching out to organizations or groups that offer support to people in your situation? They may be able to provide guidance on navigating the H1-B visa system and finding job opportunities. I can also help you research and find resources in your area.

Additionally, I encourage you to take care of your mental health during this difficult time. It's important to prioritize self-care and seek professional help if needed. There's no shame in asking for help, and it can make a big difference in how you feel.

Please know that I'm here for you and that there is hope for your situation. Let's work together to find a way forward. Please drop me an email : anand.bdk [at] gmail.com

[joshvince]

To add on to this great and pragmatic reply about your job situation, I'd add this:

Even if things remain tough job-wise for the foreseeable future, are you able to derive self-worth from things in your life that aren't your occupation? It's a horrible situation and I wish you the best of luck - but perhaps you can take heart and hope in what else you have: your partner, do you have other things that can help construct (or reconstruct) how you see yourself? Jobs, as you've found out nastily, are transient and ultimately meaningless.

I hope things get better for you.

[MilStdJunkie]

You're not alone. Believe me when I tell you this. This has been a rough stretch, even before COVID things were running on the bare edge of disaster, and then everything disintegrated.

I'm on one of those people who think about the single bullet cure when I'm shopping for groceries, so I've built up a little cabinet of mental tricks to keep it from happening until I'm good and ready.

Tad Friend's "Jumpers" (a long piece about people ending their lives from the Golden Gate) has kept me on this side of the Great Gate several times now over my forty-something years on this planet. I still read it a few times a year.. Specifically, the following passage:

https://archive.is/oy2Nd#selection-811.0-815.396

Survivors often regret their decision in midair, if not before. Ken Baldwin and Kevin Hines both say they hurdled over the railing, afraid that if they stood on the chord they might lose their courage. Baldwin was twenty-eight and severely depressed on the August day in 1985 when he told his wife not to expect him home till late. “I wanted to disappear,” he said. “So the Golden Gate was the spot. I’d heard that the water just sweeps you under.” On the bridge, Baldwin counted to ten and stayed frozen. He counted to ten again, then vaulted over. “I still see my hands coming off the railing,” he said. As he crossed the chord in flight, Baldwin recalls, “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.”

[Zetice]

Find a recruiter. We all get these emails/messages from them via LinkedIn and shrug them off, but they're insanely valuable in situations like these. Apply to ~10 jobs a day, every single day, but don't work more than ~8h on it each day. Treat it like your new job: getting a job.

I applied to approx. 100 jobs, got 5 interviews and 2 offers over the course of two weeks, and the job I accepted was one the recruiter set up for me.

The recruiters cost nothing to you, they get paid by the company if you stick around for 3 months (or something). I stayed at the company I was hired into for 9 years.

I'm not good at comforting people, but I think it should help to know this is a very solvable problem. You got this!

[oxide]

Don't tie your self-worth to your employment status. You're putting extra pressure on yourself, you can't control the hiring process. All you can control is whether or not you're putting your best effort forward and actively looking for work to the best, and I mean the best, of your ability.

Do not beat yourself up, and do not feel sorry for yourself. These are traps that will damage your self-esteem and could potentially sabotage your relationship.

Communicate with your partner. Tell them how you're feeling and get feedback.

[amf12]

Don't worry about PERM right now. You are in a better position because you can get on your wife's dependent visa. Once you find a job, wait until they can get your PERM filed. Once that is done, you can use the unused H1 time period.

Edit: could you tell us which state / city you're located in? You'd get targeted help from people, like referrals, or other help.

[koopuluri]

Sorry to hear about your position. This is a brutal market. Please do reach out to me at my email (in my bio) and I'd be happy to lend an ear. And if you'd like I can take a look at your resume and make any introductions I can to folks I know looking for someone with your background.

My friend and I have been working on a job hunting playbook for the past few months on how to get interviews without a recognizable brand on your resume, in this down market. We wanted to do a show HN after a week or so once it's more polished, but heck I think it can help now so here it is: https://zerofactorial.xyz/get-interviews/intro.

Happy to help however I can, and hoping your situation gets better soon.

And please know that you're not alone. I'm glad to see the other comments here offering their contact info to chat with. In a sense we're in this together, and you have this community behind you, to help you in any way that it can.

Please take care my friend.

[lighthammer]

You are unique on earth. Cherish that. Put yourself out there as you have been doing. Even if it takes a few more months, you have a support system through your spouse.

Showcase your CV/skills online for others to find you. Opportunities will come. Stay strong. This is just temporary.

[blastonico]

Your wife is your best friend, she married you to be your lifetime company, and to take care of you on your hard moments. So, LET her taking care of you. You would be doing the same for her, certainly.

Now, be the best husband for her. You have time, so keep the house clean, cook for her, be supportive, and keep motivated to find another job.

You will eventually find another thing. But REALIZE that you have your wife with you.

[algog]

You are not alone. I know how you feel. Was just laid off last month myself.

Several others in my company on H1B were also laid off- alto the company was "generous" enough to keep them on the books (at a token salary) for an additional 4 months to give them an extension while they look for work.

You are lucky to have a good spouse. Think about what you have. The market will come back- and you will find a job soon.

[keeptrying]

You have 2 very big problems happening at the same time: 1. You don't have a job 2. You are transitioning to a new career

Acknowledge this is very difficult situation. Usually people can deal with 1 problem at a time but its still very stressful. 2 is really hard. If you can deal with 3 you are a mensch. (eg: dealing with new baby, starting a company, deal with aged parent all at same time).

What you can do:

1. Work at your skills. Create a 40 hour schedule for yourself filled with job applications, becoming better at skills (educative.io is a great resource for indepth technical topics and interviewing skills ) .

2. Enjoy this break. Weird as this sounds - you have the rest of your life to work. What you can do is workout, get back into the best shape of yourlife. Travel either locally or with spouse - make sure she is happy.

3. Help others. Helping anyone will help your mental health tremendously. It can be at a soup kitchen or anywhere else. Help friends in similar situations. Write a blog for others in similar situation.

[mcint]

OP, to add on to keeptrying, to the extent that you can afford to, and feel up to it, I recommend showing some work in public. Write something about your journey and your learning, every week, either on LinkedIn, on dev.to, or on a personal blog. This practice can help show progress: to yourself when you feel down; to friends, colleagues, and supporters when you talk about your struggles; and show consistency, initiative, commitment, and skill to interviewers and managers as you apply to new employers.

Don't do it so much that it becomes burdensome, but write a little about what you encounter and learn. It's important to have incremental goals that you can focus on day to day, while you pursue bigger goals. You are clearly already skilled and connected, may attending to your fears guide you to the more secure future you hope for.

[antiherovelo]

^^^ this is great advice.

For some of us (not all) taking a long break makes stuff worse because we are so identified with the whole work/money axis. If you’re like this, find ways to stay busy and make some income, even just a little, like driving Uber or cooking in a restaurant or whatever you might have up your sleeve. Remember that simple jobs can still be super satisfying when done well.

The advice about serving others is especially good. Acts of service have pulled me out of all kinds of dark places over the years, and surrounded me with people that remind me of how much real goodness there is in our otherwise cynical world.

[mdip]

Hopeless.

That's a tough word. It feels like a loop: The mere fact that I feel hopeless makes me feel worthless which makes me feel hopeless.

I've never struggled to find work but I've had two tragedies in my life that feel similar -- a very big loss that maybe has a way for you to assign blame to yourself (blame that is likely less deserved than how much is being assigned), a loss that feels like your future is blurry or that makes you feel like the dreams you planned on are not possible any longer. OK, that's probably a good place to stop with that ...

    You are by yourself in a car in a Burger King parking lot, but you are not alone.

Today, an untold number of people are reading your words, some of them are sympathizing with you, some have prayed for you[0], and we're all rooting for you.

    You haven't given up.  I don't believe you will.

What you've written sounds like you feel like you're at "rock bottom" right now. When you hit rock bottom -- whether it was "on purpose" or just a subconscious reflex -- you took action. It's really hard not to let circumstances like this make you feel like you're unqualified/incapable -- consider that getting hired for a job is all on you and you've done it twice. Getting laid off -- frequently -- has nothing to do with you or your abilities.

Let yourself feel hopeless for a little bit -- at least, don't let yourself feel guilty for "being normal". If you haven't already found a thousand people to talk to, reply and I'm sure we can figure out a way to exchange numbers outside of an HN comment thread (I'm pretty easy to track down). If not, I wish you and your spouse the best through all of this -- give them a hug; they're rooting/hurting for you, too.

[0] raises hand looks around puts hand down

[electrondood]

I don't mean this to sound like a trivial solution, and it will not address the bigger issues, but it will absolutely help you address the emotional issues and the need to be seen.

Start journaling. Uncensored. Write nonstop for 30 minutes. This will clear your head, feel like an emotional burden lifted, and help with the feeling of not being able to talk to anyone. All of this will make dealing with the actual issues much easier.

I have done therapy, and journaling every morning has the exact same cathartic effect for free.

Google "Morning Pages" and "The Artist's Way" for more info, but it's literally that simple, and it's surprisingly effective.

[bmitc]

My wife has been on a worker visa, and while our situations have been different than yours, I can sympathize with the hopeless feeling on that front. It is a terrible feeling, and it is truly a feeling of hopelessness. My one recommendation is to focus on being in the present and what you can do right now. That sounds cliche, but you gotta focus on things that are within your control at this moment. While the layoffs and U.S. visa system are terrible and broken, it's ok to accept that brokenness, but it is bad to wallow in it and let your thoughts escape you and feedback over and over. Think about what you can do now, now as in the next 5 minutes, then 30 minutes, then 1 hour. Hug your spouse, cook your next meal, apply for jobs, etc. Maybe take a day or two without applying for jobs and take a hike or a small day trip or something with your spouse.

What about contacting your former company? What about your former boss or bosses there, a colleague, HR person, or all of these? If the layoffs were 6 months ago, it's always possible they are rehiring, even for your exact former position. Don't be afraid to explain your situation to them.

If you are on a dependent visa, does that mean you aren't in danger of having to leave the U.S.? I'm not sure if your spouse is a U.S. citizen or not, but are you allowed to apply for work authorization under whatever dependent visa you're on?

> I’m parked outside a Burger King parking lot in the car by myself and don’t have a clue on what I should do.

If you have any amount of insurance, please try to find a doctor, any doctor including your PCP, and get recommended to see a psychiatrist and therapist as soon as possible. If you don't have insurance, I'm not exactly sure of the steps, but you could still see a previous PCP or any family doctor to get some pointers and advice of how to move forward. That is what they are there for, and you definitely need it. Please follow through on this. You gotta make the phone calls.

In the meantime, do your best to eat well, get sleep, and try to work out in any way possible, even something as simple as morning and evening walks. You should see a doctor, but these are ways to help your body relieve itself of stress.

[flat-pluto]

Can you send me your resume? I'm a Data Scientist, and can ask around in my circles if there is a job opening. Can't guarantee anything though.

Email is in my bio.

[imranq]

I would recommend signing up for teamblind and reaching out to folks on LinkedIn who have the positions / experience you want to get. Look to just learn about their positions and if the rapport is good, get a referral for an application. Practice interviewing 3-4 hours a day with online interviews or with your spouse.

The market is not as good as it once was, but there are still plenty of openings and it only takes one offer.

[romanhn]

Blind is a toxic cesspool. Yes, it can be useful for certain things (compensation research, interview loops), but someone feeling down will be doing themselves a huge disservice by joining Blind in that state.

[renewiltord]

Put your number or email in your profile. You can make a free one with protonmail

[RigelKentaurus]

I am sorry to hear this. I completely understand your stress. I was in the exact situation back in 2001 during the dot-com bust, and had to move to my spouse’s dependent visa for 6 months. It was a very tough time and luckily, it all worked out in the end. A lot of people have been in (and are going through) your situation, but I know that is cold comfort.

In hindsight, this experience initiated a lot of good changes in my life:

--It showed us that we (spouse and I) are a strong unit. We are more resilient than we thought, and don’t need a lot of material things to keep us happy and together. That realization was extremely powerful.

--I kickstarted my financial planning into high gear. We boosted our savings rate, planned for kids’ tuitions, paid off the mortgage early, etc. Since then, we always have 1 year’s worth of living expenses saved, in case both of us lost our jobs. All of that helped in taking our net worth to the top few %.

I would highly recommend reading “Meditations” by Marcus Aurelius. There are other good books on stoic philosophy as well.

[sputknick]

I had a similar situation in 2007. I was out of work for 5 months. I eventually got a low level IT job. Got a better job from there. Got another better job from there, and by 2015 I was an FTE at a FANGMA company. All you can do is muscle your way through it. You wouldn't happen to be in the Raleigh area? If so I'd be down for meeting for coffee.