Ask HN: How did yall meet your SO?

[yfh]

First of all, sorry if this is off-topic.

I am pushing 30 and have been unable to find a partner. I just wanted to hear your stories (maybe some advices, too).

[simne]

BTW, may be helpful if you identify your socionics type (sociotype) https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Socionics

Also may be helpful your astrology sign.

"Where can representatives of the Zodiac signs look for love in the second half of February 2024?

Aquarius is the eleventh sign from Aries. Accordingly, Aries, remember if you have a certain pretty person hanging out in your friend zone. Also, visit companies more often these days.

Taurus, Aquarius is the tenth sign for you. Look in government agencies or in places where the cream of society gathers.

Gemini, you should pay attention to those with whom you studied at the University. You can look for love on a trip abroad. You can also go to church, just don’t make a sad face there.

Cancer, love can come to you in extreme situations during these two weeks. You can also go into the bank and shoot around with your eyes, you’ll see what happens.

Leos, love will find you on its own, you are so magnificent. Shine as always.

Virgos, you can go in search of love to your usual places - medical institutions, bird markets, veterinary hospitals. You can also have an affair at work. Forget at least for a while about your hyper-responsibility.

Libra, go where people enjoy life - festive events, restaurants, theaters, entertainment centers.

Scorpios, fate will find you at home in these two weeks. You can actually sit at home and look out the window.

Sagittarius, your places to hunt for love are shops, schools, public transport.

Capricorns, go to places where people eat. And you will be happy.

Aquarius, just like Leo, you just need to shine during these two weeks. No matter where, no matter with whom. Love will fall on you unexpectedly in an Aquarius way." :)

[simne]

"Pisces, Aquarius is your 12th sign. Therefore, devote these two weeks to walks in nature or helping the orphaned and wretched of all stripes, try yourself in the role of Mother Teresa and you will be happy."

[FiatLuxDave]

I met my ex-wife during a visit to a customer site.

I used to work for a medical device company. We worked closely with a chain of local clinics, early users of our products. One of the therapists there was having trouble with a dosimetry system, and she would call me up for help. "That box is broken again", she would say. She always called the system "that box". Usually it was just a user error, but on one occasion there was a genuine hardware problem, so I drove down to the clinic to fix it.

When I walked into the clinic with my armful of equipment, there was a tall beautiful redhead working at the front desk. She looked at me, and seeing that I did not look much like a cancer patient, she asked, "Who are you?"

"I'm here to fix your box", I said.

She smiled at me, glanced down, and said, "I'm pretty sure that mine is working fine."

She guided me to the back where the therapist was messing around with the dosimetry system. Over the next hour, while I fixed the system, the attractive redhead from the front desk kept sneaking back to talk and flirt with me. As I was finishing up, I tried to think of a good way to ask her out. She walked up to me, shoved a piece of paper in my hand, and cutely ran away. On the paper was written her phone number and 'You better call me'.

I wish I had advice to give. Meeting Kim was pure luck for me.

[yfh]

That was a really cool story, too sad it didn't work out. Thanks.

[easywood]

The best advice I can give you: create maximum opportunity to regularly meet the same people, in a casual setting. By that I mean join sports clubs, hobbies, church, reading clubs, volunteering, anything really. Pick as many as you can handle.

Make sure you: - get to know a lot of people, in a positive context - be interested in them, get to know them. Let them in your life, get them to know you too. - meet them regularly - make sure it's a casual setting so nothing's forced.

Any person you get to know well (man or woman) is a gateway to someone else ("have you met my friend"). A large social network is key.

I read that you go on walks - get a dog too. This is awesome for starting conversation.

[mynameisnoone]

You don't need a dog to start conversation, but it's a very lazy way to get others to start conversation with you. Be the source, not a consumer of other people's initiative.

[ColinWright]

I was at a ballroom dancing competition. I wasn't competing, I was there to support some friends, so during the free practice sessions between rounds I asked various women if they would care for a dance.

So my first words to the women who would become my wife were:

"Would you care for a quickstep?"

If you want to find a SO then you need to meet people. If you want to meet people you need to go where they are. So you need to have hobbies or activities that allow you to meet a wide range of people. You will already have at least one thing in common, so that's a start.

Go to a juggling club, or a walking club, or a dancing club. Play ultimate frisbee, join a maker space. Go and be where people are talking to each other.

Or use an on-line dating site and rely on the algorithms.

EDIT: We met when I was 32, we married when I was 39 ... there are storied to tell about the time in between, but this is not the place.

[yfh]

Thanks so much for the story

I want to, but I have no idea what hobbies to pickup or where to search for places where people hang. I walk for hours to fill the void, but I end up feeling even sadder.

[macshaggy]

I was 32 and didn't want a relationship with anyone. I was down on dating. I went to a leather bar. I meet my SO playing a video game. He took me home. We were married 21 years later and have been together for 24 years last month.

He was the last person I expected to want to be in a relationship, yet, I couldn't imagine not being with him since we met.

Just put yourself out there and live your life. Expect nothing from no one. Enjoy yourself being single and get to know who the heck you are.

That is the only advice. If you are out there living life, expecting nothing, and enjoy everything that life has to give good and bad; someone will take notice and want to be with you.

[drewg123]

I met my ex-wife because she was stuck in vi (and it wasn't her fault). I was the new sysadmin for her academic dept (in 1993), and she was a new grad student. We had DECstations with keyboards where there was no ESC key, and ESC was mapped to F11. I remember cutting her off mid "i'm in vi, and i.." and said "F11" without looking up. When I looked up, I realized how cute she was, and eventually worked up the courage to ask her out several years later, when I worked in a different department. I also made an FAQ that week pointing out that F11 was ESC :)

I met my fiance the Friday in March, 2020 when the pandemic started.. we were both on a coast to coast flight that got cancelled. I had an airline lounge membership, and I offered to bring her into the lounge where the lines to talk to a human to re-book where shorter than the 200+ person long line in the terminal. We became facetime friends/quarantine buddies (she lives 1000mi from me) and eventually we got engaged last year. When my son graduates from high school, I'll move to be with her.

[kaycebasques]

At a techno club! I went by myself and was just dancing a little in the back. She approached me and said hello. We danced for a little bit but I was tired and was about to go home so I asked if I could take her on a date. The power of "putting yourself out there" I suppose. I was also peacocking pretty strongly in those days. Signaling that you care about your personal presentation is definitely a "can't hurt, might help" tactic!

I think those are all the relevant facts about how we met but I'll also mention that "meeting your SO" is very much like "getting your foot in the door" for a job interview. "Keeping your SO" is a whole different game akin to "getting the job offer" or "performing well at that job long-term" or better yet, "embarking on a deep spiritual journey". I recommend reading The Soul Of Sex by Thomas Moore for getting in the right headspace of "keeping an SO". I recall The Art Of Loving by Erich Fromm also being helpful. Like any other major endeavor in life, my bet is that I have to commit to a lifelong learning process; in my case I'm always trying to improve my communication, keep the relationship fun, fiercely protect the trust we've built up, keep the passion going, etc. Good luck! We've only been married for two years (together 4 total) so definitely don't put too much weight on my perspective - just a fellow traveler like yourself sharing what's worked for me so far

[Kailhus]

I don’t recall writing this! Hah. Very similar experience but she saw me rolling a cigarette and went out to discuss everything and nothing.

[SAI_Peregrinus]

OKCupid. I'm male. I'm not ugly or out of shape, but not particularly attractive (IMO). I filled out a decent profile. My (now) wife messaged me first.

In general, I had success during the dating phase by looking at the woman's profile, finding something interesting, and then making my initial message reference that. Gets a conversation starter, stands out from the thousands of "hey" messages. If there was nothing interesting, I just moved on to the next person.

One thing I consider important that I did was to make a list with 5 categories: "No-go" aspects that I'd break off a potential relationship over, "must have" aspects I would require, "prefer not to have" traits I'd rather avoid but would compromise if there weren't many, and "prefer to have" traits where I could accept the absence if there weren't many, and lastly "don't care" traits. The list wasn't the important part, but evaluating my own preferences & deciding what I truly cared about was important.

[JackMorgan]

What was on your four lists if you don't mind sharing?

[pruetj]

Church. I was living in Long Beach, about 23 years old. I had searched for community through CrossFit, work, etc. but just didn’t quite fit in right. Finally, I went back to church after not attending for about 5 years figuring I could meet some new people there. Became a Christian and met my wife, been married almost 8 years now.

[jasonpeacock]

Online dating, we were both in our 30's.

I'd been meeting people through both IRL (work, group activities, friends-of-friends) and online dating since my 20's.

Stick with it :) Also, random relationship advice: you can love/date many people, but you can only live with a few of them. It can take a while to find someone that you love each other and can live with each other.

[frizlab]

The very classic: a friend introduced me. It was not love at first sight at all, but we’re now happily married.

https://xn--maria-franois-rgb.wedding/en/story.html

[GlibMonkeyDeath]

College - we knew each other casually for a year or two. We discovered we had a sport we liked in common, and started doing it together. After a few outings, went back to her place to make out.

Been married 30+ years.

Like others have said, find something that lets you spend a lot of time with people (sports, volunteering, religion...), and meet frequently. Don't worry about age, a fair number of my happily married friends met in their 30's and beyond.

[jurassicfoxy]

I have met several great partners through dating apps, but it's certainly not easy. Very demoralizing. It's a grind.

I met one partner at my sport club, one partner at UFC night (friend of a friend) and my current g/f I met through my brother. I would say it's certainly easiest to meet people "humanely" in person. It won't break your soul like online dating, but it honestly requires just as much effort.

You have to GO to parties. You have to hang out with your friends, a lot. You cannot be looking for a girlfriend, but try to keep expanding your circle. Like, I have some friends who do not have ONE attractive single friend. Attractive people congregate, so try to hang out with more interesting, sociable, attractive friends. This sounds like weird advice, but I think "choose your friends wisely" applies to many facets of life, and dating is certainly one of them.

[thrill]

My wife was taking a shortcut through the boys' dorm (back when there were such things) and I was standing outside my door, using an extra long phone cord (bwtwst) while ordering a pizza with my shirt off (back when I regularly ran and lifted for fitness) because we didn't have air conditioning (bwtwst), and as she was wandering by she gave me a serious once over and smile in passing, getting a raised eyebrow from me. We met entirely accidentally a few days later at, well, a local pizza joint and laughed about the whole thing. That was 48 years ago and we still like pizza, though I have to spend a butt-sore load of time on the Ergatta these days to make up for it.

Advice? Think about and do more of what makes you happy and gets you out and about and go do that. Maybe you'll meet someone to share it with and maybe you won't but it will help your own perspectives.

[Daviey]

I met my previous SO when we were both too young to be ready for what came next. As others have said, activities are a great way to find someone. We found each other doing Skydiving. Not nearly as exciting as it sounds, it was actually sat around waiting for the shitty weather to improve whilst drinking tea. But it was something we had in common and regularly did until we had kids... which we rushed into.

Now the kids are older, we both moved on. I've found my SO through work (different field, not tech) but through common work friends. We spend much more time engaging with each other, and is a much different relationship.

I think the main thing to look at is why you aren't finding someone. Are you open to it in your head? It might be worth getting some coaching for an outside perspective.

[simonsarris]

I drink coffee every single day but for several years I refused to make it at home. Instead I'd visit a coffee shop at minimum once per day. This was to have more social interaction (I was quite shy and had few coworkers), and the chance to say thank you to at least one person a day.

I have met a hundred people this way, by simply going to a cafe every day until the people became familiar, and this includes my wife (and the shop owners, the mayor, roommates, a sculptor, enough friends to make a liquor tasting group, etc).

Interactions with other people have to be more deliberate. It's harder than ever to bump into people. It won't happen by accident, you have to do it. It is worth spending lots of time and a little money to be more social.

[vinni2]

> I'd visit a coffee shop at minimum once per day.

Assuming you bought at least a cup of coffee each visit and average cup costs 3$ thats $1095 per year spent. Do you still go everyday? I guess it’s worth it

[nine_zeros]

A friend of a friend came to visit SF. I said yes to hanging out with them. Spent next 2 weeks being a human instead of leetcoding/busywork for management. The visiting friend and I hit it off like we were childhood friends. The rest is history.

Best decision of my life!

[sircastor]

I was at a Valentine's day church activity. We were decorating cookies, I sat down at a table to talk to a woman I thought was pretty. At the and when moved onto the next activity, the only person other than me to show up was a different woman at the same table.

We've been married 17 years next month.

Note: I love these stories (and I love mine too), but it's important to remember that these are all just meet-cutes. They don't represent key components to a good relationship. It seems like the thing they have in common is socializing.

[xupybd]

I met her at Church. We knew each other for years and from a friendship we were able to get to know each other. I asked her out, proposed on the second date and now we have two kids.

[abnercoimbre]

I'll spare you my gay saga, but to cheer you up:

Thanks to medical strides and our indoor-loving HN crew [0], hitting 30 is simply not a crisis. The phrase "30's are the new 20's" is something to live by.

You've got loads of time ahead, no worries.

[0] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjqt8T3tJIE. Explores why previous generations looked older when they were our age.