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Through the Darkness

1 points| _i5hr | 1 year ago | reply

I'm a 22-year-old, jobless girl from a middle-class brown family where being a girl and not being conventionally pretty feels like a curse. Since childhood, I’ve only seen fights, struggles, and stress—my childhood memories are just trauma. I’m the darkest-skinned in my entire family, and that’s something I’ve been judged for my whole life.

By 9th grade, I hit the peak of my depression, and honestly, I’m not even sure if it’s gone now. Anyway, I’m currently doing my bachelor’s, and my mom is the one paying for everything because she works. The thing is, as time passes, my face is becoming more and more asymmetrical, which has started bothering me even more than my skin tone. My hair used to be so thick, but now they’ve thinned out so much that it brings me to tears just looking at them.

Another huge issue is that I forget things so easily now, like my focus is completely gone. When I think about yesterday, it just feels like a blur. All I have are fragments of painful memories from childhood—harassment, family fights, people making fun of me, leaving me behind, all that stuff.

I don’t have the money to go see a specialist or afford any treatment. My pictures are awful, no one even likes me, and honestly, I’m just exhausted. I thought I’d give this a shot. I’m Muslim, so suicide is haram, and I just want someone to tell me what to do because I feel stuck.

4 comments

[+] kognate|1 year ago|reply

The first thing you should do is give yourself some slack. You are worthy of love and joy. You got dealt a bad hand, and that sucks. It's not surprising you're tired, distracted, and demoralized. So care for yourself, forgive yourself.

You didn't say what country you were in, but check at your school for mental health resources.

What to do: Stay in school and finish your degree. While doing that, try to figure out where you want to go after you finish your degree. You are not alone, the world is large and filled with wondrous people and things. Maybe go and find the nest of the sī murğ (from what I understand it lies beyond Mount Qaf).

[+] ayshazahra|1 year ago|reply

Thanks for your kind words but your last line really amazed me...I think you're interested in Philosophy or Sufism...btw...I'm from Pakistan, doing my bachelor's in philosophy, and my final year just started this month. The problem is, I don’t have much time to think things through because my degree’s about to end, and I need to make a decision before my family makes one for me—but honestly, I’m super scared...because tell me where do you go when your house isn't home??...