Ask HN: Pre-mature baldness, self confidence and networking

[whatevertech]

Hey HN , I wanted to know if any of you suffer from pre-mature baldness. I am 28 but increasing getting bald since 18 and now almost bald. This has greatly affected my self confidence and I feel like I missed prime years of my life. I used to keep myself alone just to avoid people. Now I'm getting better.

Yet I feel like I suck a lot at networking. How do I improve my network , meet new people, keep conversation going and keep people interested in me ?

Happy holidays!

[corysama]

By 28 I was balding enough that I just went with it and shaved the rest clean off. Been ten years now and I haven't looked back. Since then, I've only ever received compliments and the occasional friendly question about what motivated the shave. Highly recommended if you think you can pull off the look.

For networking (and general interesting fun) meetup.com is my favorite thing ever. People go to businessy/techy meetups for the express purpose of meeting interesting people. Many of them end up literally standing around waiting for someone to walk up and say Hi. My go-to greeting is "Who are you and what do you do?" It's blunt. But, it gives people permission to just go ahead and introduce themselves to me without the silly social dance around finding an appropriate opening. We're all here to meet. Meet me dammit!

If you do this enough, you'll have awkward moments and you'll meet a few jerks, but mainly you'll get to practice meeting interesting people in a fairly safe way. If you screw up, you'll likely never see that person again. If you are awesome, you still probably will never see that person again, but you just might actually make a long term contact.

[clivestaples]

I've been there. Embrace it. Stay fit. Two of the most accomplished people I know were completely bald by 28. They had more success in business (and dating btw) than anyone else I know. Over time, I've learned to appreciate my bald look and you can too.

My wife thinks full a head of hair on men looks feminine. My reason for sharing this is to illustrate that many of us bald guys presume to know what people think of it. We don't. Life long and prosper, my bald brother.

[jen729w]

As well as embracing the bald, embrace what bald gives you. Do you know how long it takes me to get ready in the morning? Minutes. Do you know how many times I look in a mirror? The answer is often "none", because nothing much can really change! This is so liberating in so many ways. I'm up, I'm out. I'm free.

Wearing a motorbike helmet without worrying about messing up hair? Check! Travelling extremely light on holiday because I don't need any product, shampoo, etc.? Check! Coming out of the ocean and in to the bar without worrying about what my head looks like? Check!

I'm another "shaved at 27 and wouldn't want it back". I love being bald. Just make sure you keep it a good bald - don't let it grow in to half an inch long fuzz if you know that doesn't look good. Don't be lazy. Me, I shave with a battery powered electric about once a week. Takes me ten minutes.

Another tip: I find collared shirts suit bald men better. Depends on the shape of your head, but for me a t-shirt makes me feel a bit like one round glob of human torso, whereas a nice collared shirt gives the whole upper part of my body a bit of character. Or a t-shirt with a blazer. Or find a hat that works - I love the flat-cap style. YMMV. But be conscious of it, it'll help.

It is what it is. Make it yours.

And yes, Meetup is gold. Remember: everyone else there is in the same boat. Nobody else knows anybody either. Everyone is aching for someone to dive in and start the conversation. If that person is you, you're already miles ahead. Have fun with it!

[cmsj]

This will be the same as most of the other comments here, but whatever.

I had long hair in my early 20s, but by the end of that decade I was thinning considerably - family trait that I had worse than my father's generation.

I tried to keep some kind of hairstyle far longer than I should, and stressed about it. Then one day I decided to just shave it off. I bought a set of clippers, and cut down to 1-2mm all over my head. Best. Decision. Ever.

Now I don't care about bed hair, hat hair, shampoo, windy days, etc.

My wife likes to stroke my head and even though she said she never pictured herself with a bald man, she thinks it looks really good on me.

Would I prefer to have a full head of hair? Sure, but I really appreciate the extra freedom of not having to care about what is going on in my head, and I've only had to replace those clippers once or twice, saving me a fortune in haircuts!

[onetimeusename]

If the hair is gone, it is gone. The best thing to do is to focus on a topic you really like, that you can throw yourself in to, and this will help you forget about the hair. Think about what you feel you have a need to do, be it political, artistic, scientific, educational, charitable, or technological. Once you have found something that is very important to you, set about doing it. Along the way, you will meet people and you won't be worrying about yourself but wanting to share whatever it is you are doing. Don't forget to dress formally and remember that there are plenty of examples of well known, successful, bald men, Prince William comes to mind.

[Udo]

I pretty much went through the same thing, it sucks.

There is definitely a social impact, especially when dating, but also in other areas. When you turn on the TV, how do you figure out whether a non-hero character is a bad guy? If he's bald, he always is. There is definitely a heavy cultural bias against bald people.

Aesthetics is a big part of it though. People with hair can pull off a lot of looks that simply are grotesque on bald people, but the good news is: it's something you do have control over. The worst thing you can do when bald is being fat. So work out, and wear nice clothes. These things matter a lot more when you're bald, you'll notice the impact immediately. In fact, these things matter a lot more as you get older in general.

Confidence is another thing you can actively work on. People tune you out if you think you're not interesting. While the deck is stacked against you a little bit due to things outside your control, the biggest impact on your confidence is, well, your confidence. If all else fails, learn to imitate confident people and don't be discouraged by failure. One of the things you can learn from observing confident people is that their failure rate is not actually that low, for the most part they are just really good at concealing or downplaying failure. If you suck at networking, that's not due to baldness, it's because you don't enjoy networking to begin with, because you don't have a lot of practice, or because you get discouraged easily. I can identify with that, but believe me it's something that gets better if you're determined to become better at it.

A certain percentage of people will never date you, never trust you, never want to listen to you. This applies to everybody on the planet. Sure, that percentage will be much lower for a non-bald good-looking person, but the essence of the fact remains: you can't make everybody like you. Try to train your internal classifier and filter for those whom you can build a relationship with. Attempting to win over people who reflexively dislike you is a fool's errant; there are lot of "low hanging fruit" you can pick up instead using a fraction of the energy.

The nice thing about people who make a lot of snap categorizations on a whim, like never date|befriend|trust|invest in|talk to a guy who has attribute X, is they come around just as fast if they see you're successful. A lot of people only like you when you win, so go out and pick battles you can win. The goal is, much like doing a startup, to make it unreasonably expensive for people to dislike you.

[lancewiggs]

28 is fine - not really premature. Use it to your advantage - you look older than others and can be perceived as more responsible/wise etc. As far as finding a life partner goes just remember that you are not trying to get everyone to fall in love with you, just one person. Be upfront and confident about who you are and how you look and you'll end up with the right person. Hide it and you are starting a relationship with deceit.

[balladeer]

You have to realise this is one of things in life that eventually goes at some point (for most people anyway). The hair, the teeth, eye-sight, the natural tight skin and the natural glow on it, the knee, the strength, losing people around you on the way - the list is really long. It's normal. It's just us - the human machine - getting older and showing the sings of wear and tear after years or use. Things go like this till eventually we meet the death. That's how it has been, that is how it's gonna be.

I wish I could put it in a better way, but this is just what it is - accepting it and moving on. Focus on things that you get with age - wisdom, charm, knowledge - a of it, experience in relationships, and ability to avoid mistakes and help others avoid them too. Knowing what matters and what not and then prioritising life accordingly is what we can do best that people younger than us usually can't. So that's there.

[spamizbad]

You're just going to have to embrace it. Shave your head and, if you can, grow a beard. I always felt people getting comb-overs or hair plugs are kidding themselves. Just let it go.

I've got a slowly growing bald spot myself. I'm either going to have to convert to Judaism or just shave it all off.

[2D]

My husband has been balding since I met him at age 18, 12 years ago. I always thought it made his face and in particular eyes/cheekbones stand out. That said, I know that he never appreciates my teasing... As a women who has worked in the most superficial of industries (fashion) I can tell you that you are only ever as confident or sexy as you feel. And the great thing about hackers is that these people generally care more about what you can do than your physicality. I think you should take the same "failure as a pathway to learning" approach to networking as you do to other challenges. Some people won't like you. Some people are superficial and boring. Count yourself lucky they will screen themselves out.:)

[JamesLeonis]

I'm in the same boat. Late 20s with a very thin layer on top combined with male pattern baldness. It runs in the family.

I've embraced becoming bald. I keep it very short and rocked the look. A simple electric razor is enough to keep the longer portions around my head in check. Every now and again I use a blade razor to give myself a clean bald look.

Now onto networking. It's a skill, and like any skill it can be learned. There is a lot of material about how to converse and become interesting, but all of them require practice in front of people. It sucks for the first few times, just like starting a new workout routine. It will feel discouraging when you don't see results the first few times. Keep at it. It helps to keep track of the number of people you talked to and roughly how long you talked. You can then try and increase those numbers just like adding weight to a workout. After a while you will start to notice it's coming out naturally.

The best way to keep people interested in you is to become interesting. Yeah, that's a "DUH!" kind of statement, but buried in there is a grain of truth. Sit down with a pen and paper and start listing all the cool things you have seen and done in your life. What makes you excited? What makes you wistful? What do you long for? Use that list as a foundation, even if you only have a couple of items. If it's blank, then you have the opportunity to explore many different experiences and see which you like and don't like.

The hardest part of all of this is getting started. Intertia is a hell of a resistance. Start small and get into a habit. Habits can be hard to start, but they are also hard to break. Starting small helps get over the initial inertia with small steps while you build the habit. Once you start getting into the rhythm, you add harder and more difficult steps to build up your habit. This is how you build any successful system or learn a new skill. Be open to mistakes and failure as an opportunity to examine and learn. Turn hostile criticism into positive critique.

None of this is easy, but with repeated attempts it does get easier. You still have your 30s and 40s to be a god damn rock star.

[addydev]

Hi buddy, I definitely understand your problem and I am in the same situation you were 10 years ago. Early baldness definitely takes a toll on your self confidence. There are many bald smart and good looking people. Jason Statham was recently called the hottest man alive by some media outlet. But you and I are definitely not Jason, we have two options - either get a hair transplant, really heavy on the pocket so keep in that in mind or try to carry this baldness with style. And don't worry, nobody will leave you if you are going bald, especially if they love you and care for you.

[tdicola]

Go to a good hair stylist and get their opinion on what looks best like shaving it off entirely, going for a buzz cut, etc. They work with hair all day and know what looks best with your head shape, baldness, etc.

[henryw]

My old room takes Propecia to prevent hair loss. We were living in LA, and his doctor mentioned that many celebrites are on it. He was around 26 at the time. It has been working wonderfully for him.

[pgbovine]

Some friends have suggested embracing it and just either shaving your head or going for a really short buzzcut. Creative hats and headgear also make for cool accessories. Good luck!

[baldie88]

Just own your baldness. Don't keep your hair and just have a bald spot. Take it all off and own it. Hair doesn't matter. I personally grew a beard because I enjoy some hair on my face.

Source: I started going bald when I was 17. Shaved my head clean by the time I was 19. I'm now 27 and if I had the choice to have my hair back I would turn it down.

[GFischer]

Well, you can use your baldness as an excuse to meet people :) , there's a community at :

http://www.slybaldguys.com

I lost most of my hair by 28 as well, and while I fretted about it, I've gotten over it. I didn't have problems getting a girlfriend, and she doesn't mind :)

[peteretep]

There's a great book, Psycho Cybernetics, written by a plastic surgeon, on how to actually "embrace it".

All that said, the two people I know with hair implants have never looked back. It's not cheap, but your appearance is with you all day.

[whalesalad]

Cut your hair to suit the baldness. Shave your head. Don't let your hair define you. It really doesn't matter. Women don't care. If you're confident in yourself and project that you'll be fine.