Ask HN: What do you wish you had known before you turned 40?

[cup]

So I've noticed a few posts over time where users have asked similiar questions but at younger age brackets (18, 20, 25 mainly).

I'm slightly more interested in further down the road. I know HNs user base might be skewed to the younger crowd but I'm sure there are a number of 40+ year olds who can impart their wisdom.

Thanks.

[lkesteloot]

Practice is the key to getting better at everything. Ignore the concept of innate talent or gift. People who are good are good because they spent a lot of time practicing.

People who practice a lot usually do so because they’re interested in it. It’s not hard or homework for them. If there’s a gift, it’s the gift of interest.

Artists copy a lot. They don’t come up with stuff clear out of their heads. They look at a lot of things, keep a lot of references, and blend ideas together.

Most people who are famous are so not because they’re good, but because they’ve worked hard to become famous. It was important to them, so they did what it took to become famous. Being good at something is a small part of that, small enough that famous people aren’t usually all that good. Their time was better spent becoming famous. (This is the biggest lesson from this list. It basically implies that you can ignore people who have blogs and podcasts. Seek out the unknown experts in your field.)

Don’t make decisions based on money. Don’t stay at a job because the shares might be worth something, or because the company might get acquired. These things rarely happen and you can’t get your time back.

Everyone is totally winging it all the time. Confident people are just better at hiding it.

[AndrewKemendo]

Everyone is totally winging it all the time. Confident people are just better at hiding it.

I don't think people really understand how true this is. I think we all might feel it, but to really believe that [insert name] doesn't really know what is going on is a revelation.

To wit, whenever given the opportunity to talk with someone who is or was in a large powerful role (Fmr Undersecretary of the Navy two weeks ago for example) I always ask them how confident they were, that what they were doing was the right choice, or how much they felt in control of a particular action/decision.

Across the board they all say they feel like they have very little control and are just doing the best with what they have.

[mortenjorck]

My favorite example of someone gradually working their way from rank amateur to accomplished professional through sheer volume of dedicated practice has to be the cartoonist Mike Krahulik of Penny Arcade. Over the span of about ten years, you see his art style transform from what would pass for an average college newspaper comic into the richly expressive vision of a master illustrator.

[SilasX]

>Everyone is totally winging it all the time. Confident people are just better at hiding it.

So skyscrapers and jumbo jets are built on guesswork, despite all the things that can go wrong in their design and construction?

I wish people would be more precise about what is meant by this, since it seems trivially false when taken literally.

[LiweiZ]

"It basically implies that you can ignore people who have blogs and podcasts. Seek out the unknown experts in your field."

Fully agree with this. But it seems not easy to find hidden gems. It takes time and energy to deliver what's in one's mind. Take this into account, what we can find is only a fraction of the real gems with lots of noises mixed with them. The best shot I can think of is to have some kind of small circle to exchange ideas and opinions. Another resource is reading books, I guess.

As for famous people's wisdom, they have way more access to information average people don't have. And the average quality is probably better. Just like what the artists do you mentioned, they do the same with information.

[mathattack]

Practice is the key to getting better at everything. Ignore the concept of innate talent or gift. People who are good are good because they spent a lot of time practicing.

Very true. And even when it's not 100% true, we're better off pretending that it is. If you think you can learn something, you're much better off than if you think you can't. The latter attitude is self-fulfilling.

[harkyns_castle]

I like the practice bit. And if you enjoy something, and live it every day and do it all the time, you'll get good at it.

If you hate something, and you have to force yourself to do it, I wouldn't bother, and I'd look for something else to do.

That, and our whole system of fractional reserve banking is deeply flawed and is killing us, to the benefit of a greedy few.

[michaelpinto]

Something to keep in mind:

I turned 40 in the year 2005, but my life experience was someone different than my father who turned 40 in the year 1982, and I suspect that if someone was 20 today that their life experience looking back will be a bit different in the year 2035.

Yes I can give you all of the cliches from "enjoy your hair while you have it" to "i wish i put aside more in my IRA". But aside from that the lessons in your life could be different than mine.

For my father's generation (the silent generation) the path to success was a steady union job or say becoming a professional like a lawyer. However for my generation (gen x) union jobs didn't exist and many of my friends who became lawyers are doing quite badly.

So I would say that to take the advice of anyone over 40 with a grain of salt as your results may not be the same. Common assumptions of the path of success of today could be badly placed bets.

For example even though I was a hardcore Apple fanboy if you told me to load up on Apple stock in 1996 I would have thought that you were crazy. Also if you told me in the 80s that Japan would face a lost decade in the 90s followed by being in the shadow of China i would have thought that you were crazy.

[PublicEnemy111]

>For my father's generation (the silent generation) the path to success was a steady union job or say becoming a professional like a lawyer. However for my generation (gen x) union jobs didn't exist and many of my friends who became lawyers are doing quite badly.

I wish I could up vote this more than once. the past two decades have taught us that there is no such thing as a safe job or a risk free investment

[narrator]

1. Realize that reading political/world news probably won't have any direct impact on your life. Don't watch TV news. Instead, spend time diving very deep into a particular subject areas by reading books about these areas and trying to answer your own specific questions.

2. Find something useful to do with your commute (e.g audio books) or eliminate it. This could be a large part of your life and it adds up.

3. Marry the right person. Don't marry too young.

4. Fix your chronic health problems.

5. Understand and study nutrition.

6. Build relationships. This takes time.

7. Make things happen. Create things that weren't there before that other people participate in. Practice planning things in advance and executing on them.

8. Learn what you can from your parents before they go senile.

9. Have some sort of passion besides your job and passive entertainment. You will become a far more interesting person and attract interesting people.

10. Do not undercharge for your labor. Live well below your means. Don't work for or with jerks.

11. If something isn't working in your life, change something, measure and retry. Iterate. This is basically applying lean principals to everything. Don't get stuck with "good enough" and then it's a year later.

[lgieron]

> 1. Realize that reading political/world news probably won't have any direct impact on your life. Don't watch TV news. Instead, spend time diving very deep into a particular subject areas by reading books about these areas and trying to answer your own specific questions.

While following this advice might make an individual happier, if most people followed it, we'd gradually become slaves to the ruling class which would happily exploit us without us noticing or willing to do anything about it.

[elyrly]

Purchasing a Kindle has been one of the most rewarding tool i use the past 5 years.

[gmays]

- Learn to say "I'm sorry."

- In arguments being right isn't as important as being happy.

- Be nice, especially to people who can't do anything for you.

- Be grateful.

- Figure out what you want in this life and go for it, it's the only one you get.

- Do as much for your body as you do for your mind (i.e. workout, eat well).

- Learn to manage money.

- Stop doing stupid shit (you know what I'm talking about).

- Make decisions using the regret minimization framework. What would you regret NOT doing the most? Do that.

- Invest in yourself. You can lose everything, but you'll always have this.

- Don't watch the news.

- Don't be an asshole.

- Do be happy, you deserve it.

It's ok, we're works in progress.

[vacri]

All good, except "don't watch the news". Watch the news. Learn more about the world around you and what's going on with other people. Just don't watch sensationalist news that is more about capturing eyeballs than imparting information.

The "works in progress" is a very good point to make.

[hackuser]

> Make decisions using the regret minimization framework. What would you regret NOT doing the most? Do that.

It's not a bad question to ask for considering different angles, but I disagree that it should have much influence. It discourages risk-taking.

I know it's a popular meme but when people say they have no regrets, I think to myself that either 1) They are bullsh-g me (usually the case), 2) they are bullsh-g themselves, often by closing their eyes to what they missed on, and/or 3) they aren't taking enough risks.

Regret and pain are part of life. It's a fantasy, and emotionally immature, to think you will avoid them or that you have.

"May your reach exceed your grasp."

[kyriakos]

Don't watch the news? Care to elaborate? You mean politics etc or generally any news including tech and science?

[Sukotto]

At 40-something, I find that money and health have become increasingly important. However, they both depend heavily on the foundations I laid in my 20s and 30s. So watch out.

I can't think of too much I wish I had known, but there are quite a few things I wish I had fully internalized:

- the math behind financial freedom and how small differences in savings rate, burn rates, and the carrying cost of owning "stuff" can greatly impact one's chances of reaching it;

- the almost unbelievable opportunity and money costs of having children (I thought I knew.... but I was off by orders of magnitude);

- that compounding growth (in any aspect of one's life, not just investing) only matters if you give it time. Start today with a little instead of waiting for the day you have "enough" to start;

- the importance of due diligence. I spent more time and care speccing out my personal computers than I did buying my home. Then compounded my error by hanging on to it long after I should have cut my losses;

- that if you are not working towards a specific destination, you're just floating where the wind and tide take you and hoping you end up somewhere good;

- the importance of caring for your body, listening and acting on its complaints rather than pushing yourself harder;

- that where you end up is mostly (aside from a certain element of sheer chance) the result of the choices YOU make (or allow others to make on your behalf) in life;

- to seek out relationships with the kind of people you wish you were. You grow to be more like the people you have around you;

- to learn from the past, and then let go of it. You need to focus on the future. It's especially important to let go of cynicism and bitterness as they poison your future and hurt everyone else around you;

- to take the long view when weighing your options and making your plans;

- that willpower is severely limited. I wish I had done more to make the right choices the easiest/default ones. Examples include automated savings, only keeping healthy foods in the house, building exercise habits into my daily routine, etc.;

[totony]

>- to learn from the past, and then let go of it. You need to focus on the future. It's especially important to let go of cynicism and bitterness as they poison your future and hurt everyone else around you.

This. Past is past, it cannot be changed, put your efforts where it matters. I would also add that revenge is overrated, do not waste time on it.

[graycat]

> - the importance of caring for your body, listening and acting on its complaints rather than pushing yourself harder;

Yes! I found it way too easy to push way too hard and, thus, do some serious damage. One case took surgery and, then, years to recover -- I'm back to normal now.

[fasteo]

I spent more time and care speccing out my personal computers than I did buying my home

LOL, I can relate. Good one.

[JabavuAdams]

Raising kids is mundane, boring, uninteresting or intensely irritating 80% of the time. When it's good it's really good, but you don't get to choose when, and you've got to be at least somewhat on your game the rest of the time too if you don't want to be a jerk to them.

EDIT> This is for people with strong (non-kid) passions that are time-consuming. I know people who are just amazing with kids, but typically they don't seem to have much else going on in their lives.

[swframe]

Note there is a hell of lot you can do to make raising kids enormous fun. 1. Play with your kids as if you are a kid too. I mean take it extremely seriously. Leave the smartphone off and join in. Build the most amazing things (sand castles, robots, tree houses, paintings, drawings, etc). Your kids will see you and appear to ignore you and then one day you will see them doing the same thing. 2. Explore like mad. Visit every place you can think of hanging out. Bike all over. Visit every park in your area, every library, etc. Do it every weekend. Catch bugs. Watch the stars. Hike, camp, boat, etc. 3. If you code at home, try to code an interest AI problem that has great visuals and then explain it to your kids. 4. Make movies. Write the script with the kids. Get the kids to act the parts. I could go on but I think you get the point. I think you can see that if you stop trying to be an adult, you can have a lot of fun.

The biggest problem I have with kids is that they sometimes fight over silly things. I forbade my kids from playing with each other. Since it was against the rules, they played with each other much better and when they fought they knew they were breaking the rules.

After watching Monster Inc. I realized that you could tickle kids instead of spanking them to get them to behave. No one likes to be tickled. I can imagine my kids being kicked out of therapy when they explain how they were disciplined by being made to laugh.

There are so many tricks that reduce the irritation to a minimum. For me, it was a challenge to find them so I really enjoyed it. I wish I could do it again. My oldest daughter is taking comp sci at stanford.

[hackuser]

> Raising kids is mundane, boring, uninteresting or intensely irritating 80% of the time. When it's good it's really good, but you don't get to choose when, and you've got to be at least somewhat on your game the rest of the time too if you don't want to be a jerk to them.

My impression is that nobody, later in life, says they wished they spent less time with their kids.

[kleer001]

It feels great to have confirmation. I've never wanted kids. It sounds so thankless. I'll be happy with being the end of a branch on my family tree for a more materially comfortable life.

[steven2012]

1) You will have to continue studying and learning for the rest of your career, unless you want to be easily replaceable. If you want to be easily employable with a great job and great salary past the age of 45, you can't just be a coder. You need to be a tech lead, architect, etc, someone that can lead so that you add value in ways other than coding. If you are a coder at the age of 45, you have to be significantly better than someone who is half your age and half you salary to keep employed. An average, or below average coder at age 45 is not easily employable, at least in Silicon Valley.

2) Salaries for pure coders flatline around the age of 35, unless the entire industry's salary range goes up like it has over the last 5 years. There is a sweet spot of experience between 8-10 years, and companies don't value 20 years experience more than 10 years experience. The industry simply isn't the same 10-20 years ago as it is today. The only significant difference that I bring to the table over an 32 year old coder is that my code is probably incrementally more reliable and my manual testing abilities are probably incrementally better, but for the most part, the differences are intangible and definitely not enough to justify a salary increase.

3) Take care of your body. Age is not just a number. Practice good eating habits and do not gain weight because it becomes much harder to lose as you age. Your body goes through physical changes from your early 30s, and you are weaker. My memory is significantly worse now than it was 10 years ago, and often forget things that I've known for 10-20 years. My body is significantly weaker than it was even 5 years back.

4) Learning how to be personable and sociable will help accelerate and lengthen your career. No one wants to be around someone who is a technical genius but an asshole. They would rather hire someone who is very good, but great to work with.

5) Customers don't care about technology, they care about solutions. In the end, as long as you are solving customer problems, you are employable.

[carsongross]

1) For some reason it got a lot easier to not care about things I knew, rationally, that I should not care about, right around age 35.

2) The red pill. I don't agree with everything what comes out of that cesspool of a community, but there is a lot of ugly truth in it as well.

3) Kids, job, sleep (and, therefore, happiness). Pick two in your twenties & thirties. However, if you pick the first two, sleep comes later. If you pick the last two, kids probably won't. The happiest people I know picked the outer two.

[oldclock]

> The red pill. I don't agree with everything what comes out of that cesspool of a community, but there is a lot of ugly truth in it as well

Examples of "ugly truths" on TRP? All I've seen there is trash and misogyny.

[mycroft-holmes]

I have to say, you have some balls to say TRP without a throwaway account.

[mahyarm]

Isn't the sleep part more the first few years where kids don't keep a single-block-of-time sleep schedule? Then you have even more free time when they go to school.

[OmarIsmail]

As someone who has picked the first two, glad to hear that sleep comes later... though I think my wife will be much happier to hear that.

[anigbrowl]

- Most people are foolish, and rationalize their emotions rather than thinking. Relying too much on logic or rationality will thus be a barrier to social advancement. In other words, it doesn't matter how right you are; if what you say makes people feel bad, that's ll they'll remember.

- The more vociferously people express their opinions about some external issue, the more likely it is that they're talking about themselves.

- Pay less attention to the news. If it's really important you'll hear about it anyway. Devote more of your mental attention to what you're really interested in.

- Quitting smoking starts to really pay off after about a year. After a few years, it feels outstanding.

[cglee]

Find someone to love, and who loves you back. Try to find a community of people, not only here on HN or online, but who you can be with physically. Also, while I love the startup ecosystem, I highly suggest finding a community that doesn't hinge around "success" or money. For example, a gardening group, or a city league team, etc. Find people who you wouldn't mind giving your time to for nothing in return.

[graycat]

Congratulations: You just rediscovered solution #3 to the fundamental problem in life!

From the E. Fromm, The Art of Loving (say, love and its connections with emotions, psychology, and religion), I simplify and paraphrase: "For humans, the fundamental problem in life is doing something effective about feeling alone. Only four solutions have been found, #1 love of spouse, #2 love of God, #3 membership in a group, and #4 [not recommended]."

So you rediscovered #3! Darned good!

[crimsonalucard]

I'm looking for such a group. Got any tips?

[gregd]

I wish I knew how unimportant material things were.

Live in the now.

You are not your job.

Don't take things personally.

Ask for what you want.

Would you rather be right, or loved?

[jedberg]

I'm 38, but hopefully that's close enough.

There is no suck thing as luck. There is opportunity and the people who take advantage of it.

A "lucky" person is just someone who takes advantage of the opportunities they make for themselves.

For example, when I see someone who might be interesting to talk to, I walk up and talk to them. CTO of Amazon? Go up and say hi. Then suddenly I'm "lucky" enough to get this: http://aws.amazon.com/heroes/usa/jeremy-edberg/

[Devthrowaway80]

So you had no advantages in life whatsoever except the ones you created for yourself? Everything good in your life is entirely your own doing? Really, there's no such thing as luck?

I was born in a wealthy country, to sane and supportive parents. I was born with a talent for mathematics and technology, and am reasonably intelligent. I had a family that encouraged learning. With the exception of some run-ins with addiction and mood disorders, I still have my health, despite my best efforts to destroy it while an addict. I am sober now partly because of the efforts of others.

I have managed to grab onto some awesome opportunities that have rolled past now that I'm healthier, and am currently working at a shockingly successful startup, but it was not strictly my own doing.

I don't disagree with what I think you're really getting at - take opportunities that present themselves, "luck is when preparation meets opportunity", don't wait around for things to happen, make them happen, and so on. I just think it's a bit of a stretch, and frankly a bit smug, to declare that there's "no such thing as luck."

[greggman]

It's a good attitude that seizing opportunity is something you could always try to do but it's certainly arguable luck plays a HUGE role in which specific opportunities show up.

There are countless examples and very famous and successful people will often point to all the luck in their lives. To name just one example Ed Catmull, president of Pixar and Disney Animation points out all the luck in his life in his Creativity Inc book.

Luck that Lucas decided to sell Pixar, Luck that Jobs bought it before it got disbanded. Luck that Jobs failed to turn Pixar into a computer company like he tried to do for a couple of years. Luck that Jobs was willing to sink so much money into a losing company IIRC 57 million before they switch to animation.

I'm sure others can name other examples.

[m-i-l]

"Luck" is based on probability and chance, which are definitely not things that you have direct control over. Yes, you can make decisions based upon a good understanding of probability and can even often do things to improve the odds in your own favour, but only up to a point. There is a very big difference between making the most of the cards you are dealt, and choosing your own (and your opponent's) cards.

I think you are referring to attitude prior to the roll of the dice and interpretation of the outcome of the roll of the dice, rather than being able to influence the roll of the dice itself - with a positive outlook you can appear or feel more "lucky", and that is generally a good thing.

[kimcheekumquat]

Awesome, jedberg replied :)

I completely agree though. There is a famous quote that goes something along the lines of "Luck is what happens when preparation meets opportunity". If you want "luck", you need to go out and meet people! Go out and cast the net of opportunity!

Funny you linked to that exact AWS page, since I was just on there an hour ago. I was reading AWS for Dummies to prepare for an upcoming interview at AWS. I know you handled reddit's EC2 traffic. What advice would you give to somebody looking to get into a career with AWS? I'm a senior in EE at college with a background in networking and I see Amazon's cloud services only growing in the upcoming decades.

[pan69]

Start exercising when you're young and make it a life long habit.

[seajosh]

Take cash over equity. Drop acid or shrooms at least once. Don't get married young.

[lmg643]

I'm not a fan of the saying "do what you love and you'll never work a day in your life" - too easy to take that literally. A similar sentiment, but more precise, that fits for me is "know your temperament and strengths, and if you find a career that fits them, most importantly you will enjoy yourself, and have better odds of doing well at it since you are more fully engaged."

[wyclif]

Don't listen to people who say that you are "job hopping" or unreliable if you change jobs earlier than 5 years in the same role.

[graycat]

(1) Catalogs of some of the more common behavior and emotional patterns and their development over time of human females and how to recognize these patterns in real life and respond to them.

(2) The role of entrepreneurship in our economy and society and how to be a successful entrepreneur.

(3) The connections, common and/or possible, between high end academics and careers, especially business and entrepreneurship.

(4) Clinical Psychology 101 and how to detect, understand, and respond to the common problems.

(5) The shockingly large fraction of people who make messes out of their lives for no good reason, and how to detect, understand, and respond to what they are doing.

(6) The surprising ability of some people to have terrible lives for their first 20 years but seemingly put all that aside and have good lives.

(7) What parts of advanced mathematics are powerful for valuable applications and how to make such applications.

(8) Real Politics 101, or how to please 50+% of the people saying next to nothing and otherwise saying just lies!

(9) Always look for the hidden agenda.

(10) Organizational Behavior 101.

(11) The common real situations of marriage and parenting in the US, e.g., "there are a lot of affairs". If you have or may have significant wealth, then no way should you get married without a rock solid pre-nup. As in the opera Rigoletto, La donna è mobile, that is, "The woman is fickle". From "The Big Sky", "You can never tell what a woman will do next.".

(12) How fiction works in books, plays, TV, and movies, and how it connects with the mass media including what is called the news.

(13) What are the really important things in life and how to understand their importance.

(14) The world changed a lot from 1800 to 1900 and then from 1900 to 2000 and then from 2000 to 2015. Rapid change will likely continue. Expect and accept it, welcome it, and take advantage of it.

(15) A good family is one of the most important things, and to have one likely you have to work hard to make it so.

[visarga]

My realization is that I am about in the middle of my life. That means half of it has already passed. There's only half left, and that includes old age. It makes me think deeper about how I am living my life.

[graycat]

Take love seriously.

E.g., watch the 2014 Budweiser SuperBowl commercial about a puppy and love at

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQB7QRyF4p4

There pay attention to the song and, as at

http://commercialwith.weebly.com/budweiser-puppy-super-bowl-...

to the words of the song, i.e.,

"Well you only need the light when it's burning low,

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow.

Only know you love her when you let her go.

Only know you've been high when you're feeling low,

Only hate the road when you're missing home,

Only know you love her when you let her go.

And you let her go. And you let her go (oh woah).

When you let her go."

So, when you do have her,

Lesson: Don't let her go.

And, if she lets you go, try to be a good leader and guide her to seeing the importance of her not letting you go.

Both of you need love, and together both of your can solve that problem for both of you. It's important.

[sbfeibish]

Don't be afraid to lose other people's money. Do whatever you have to do before you have to take care of your parents, your wife, your children. Find a mentor(s) so you avoid mistakes, so maybe you get funding. Sop up all you can from the Internet/Youtube. We never had it so good. You can learn about startups, pitching, finance, programming, etc. Be careful who you select as friends. Don't dismiss, but fade the ones not interested in success. Don't think that any project is too big for you. Don't separate yourself from society. You can't just program in a dark room. You need to get out and meet others or you'll miss something important.

If you wait till things get cheap you'll be at the end of the line (I'm thinking of not starting businesses like auctions, search, employment, etc. in the 1990's because everything was expensive. )

Learn about Robert Kiyosaki's (Rich Dad, Poor Dad) four quandrants.

Investing Learn what's meant by secular & cyclical bull markets and what their length is. Learn how important demographics are (Right now my "baby boom" generation is trying to sell it's homes to a generation with fewer people.) Learn what normally happens when the Fed pumps money into the economy. First it goes into the stock market, then the economy, then inflation takes hold. Since the emerging economies (Asia) will grow faster then the older developed economies (North America & Europe), over a long period of time the returns should be higher in Asia. If you have a long period of time (100yrs) you don't need to take risk. You can simply invest in the big, growing companies that increase their dividend year after year. Buy when there's blood in the streets. After a disaster is always a good time to invest somewhere. Just because some junior mining company says they've found an anomaly, it doesn't mean anything. So few mines prove to be economic it's unreal. 1 in 1,000? 1 in 10,000? Look it up. There's too much :)