Ask HN: Guide to becoming a dad?

[holy_cow]

In a delightful father's day surprise, my wife and I found out this afternoon that she's pregnant. We'd planned on this, though maybe not for another few months. After the initial excitement/crying/what have you, I realized that this is a subject that I know woefully little about.

Since I can't tell anyone I know just yet, I'll ask anonymously: how do we do this? I'm asking mostly for books and articles to read, but advice is helpful, too. Did any of you read a helpful book that approached prenatal nutrition (I cook for us), preparation, early child rearing, etc. from a scientific or "hacker" perspective? It seems like a lot of what I'm finding on Amazon are based on fads or shaky-at-best assertions. Recommendations for a dad-to-be are very much appreciated.

[a3n]

Congratulations!

17 years ago my (ex) wife and I bought a small handful of books. Despite my enthusiasm for the books, I don't think I read any of them past the preface, especially after our son was born; buy what appeals to you, and don't overthink things.

Our son graduates high school in another year. He's a viable human being, he likes people, people like him, we love each other. I have no idea how that happened.

No one knows how to raise a child, but we mostly seem to do OK.

Do what your wife's doctor says for health and nutrition. Do what your eventual pediatrician says for health and nutrition. Buy black and red mobiles.

Hold your child a lot. Play with your child a lot. Talk to your child. Read to him. Sing to him. Give him toys and books. Show him everything, but not all at once. Tell your child "I love you" for the rest of your life, and show him.

Enjoy the ride.

[makuchaku]

Why "buy black and red mobiles"? I guess I didn't get that point :-)

// Son of a 1.5 year old kid who has just learnt to speak "Lizard"

[FrankenPC]

Best advice ever. Children simply want to be loved and listened to.

[holy_cow]

I really appreciate this. Thank you.

[batou]

Three children here.

Don't worry about any books or stuff. They're all pretty crappy. Some of them are written by people who have never even had children. Best advice I can offer:

1. If you find a problem, fix it. Don't worry too much about it occurring to start with. Most of them don't. Google is your friend here but stick to scientific solutions, not fad ones.

2. Don't get embroiled in political parenting campaigns like "breast is best" and all that. Just do whatever is comfortable.

3. Regarding prenatal nutrition, don't control it. Let her eat what she wants. Cravings are there for a reason. If you control it too much, a shrivelled rag will pop out without any extra body fat. Children get sick and need some extra incase they lose it. My other half lived on mixed grills and roast chicken and to quote our doctor, our children are abnormally well.

Edit: Couple more...

4. If you are sensitive to minor gore or bodily fluids, start trying to shake this now. They make regular appearances and you don't have time to get iffy about it.

5. Don't panic and always carry a towel. Good advice from Douglas Adams.

[DanBC]

There's a bunch of poor advice here.

Pre-natal nutrition: it is difficult for a pregnant woman to eat too little. There's no evidence of harm to mother or baby from mild undernourishment (if we ignore some condistions related to a need for vitamin supplementation). There is plenty of evidence of harm to mothers and babies for over eating. The risks of significant harm or death go up a lot if the mother or baby is overweight. These risks include, rarely, death.

A pregnant woman with a sensible diet needs only an extra 200 calories per day.

[ChuckMcM]

My wife and I found the Penelope Leach books (What to Expect when you are expecting, and what to expect from your <x> year old) very helpful. When my first daughter was born I was very empirical about figuring out what worked and what didn't, when my second daughter was born she was different from the moment she emerged, I realized that no two kids are alike so the experiences of one will likely not relate to a different one.

The one thing I wish someone had told me was how much they are learning even when they aren't talking or really even moving. Take advantage of that by talking and reading to them a lot, I am a firm believer that kids can ingest way more information than you can deliver. Very little chance of talking to much or reading to much to them.

All said though it has been the most challenging and rewarding thing I've ever done. I would wish for you a great experience as well.

[zorked]

1) Ignore people's opinions

2) Parenting is not a competition against other parents

3) Literally tens of billions of people on this planet have had children. It can't be that hard. And it's not

4) Spend as much time as you can with your child: not only now, but for as long as both of you are alive. Be there

[gbog]

Yes, good advices. I'll add this most important one: don't believe you owe your kids your life. Continue to see friends and get drunk if it's something you do now. If you can't bear stupid cartoons or books (and who does?) just don't buy them, you'll find something to do together that both of you like to do (kids mostly like to be with their parents so anything but watching horror movies will do in fact). I spend a lot time with my two kids, we do things I like and they like it, this includes Lego, reading Tintin, camping, doing huts in the forests, etc.

But never think you should become a slave of your kid, or otherwise sacrifice anything to them, this is a way too heavy burden on THEIR shoulders.

[zimpenfish]

> tens of billions

Guesstimated at 100-115 billion, even.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population#Number_of_hum...

[cstuder]

The single most important recommendation: Stay away from online parenting forums!

I found that the only one worthwile was the Parenting Stackexchange site: http://parenting.stackexchange.com/

(But even that one I've rarely used...)

[femto]

> prenatal nutrition

Take a folate supplement. Just the cheap folate only ones will do if you have a healthy diet.

http://www.foodstandards.gov.au/consumer/generalissues/pregn...

http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/folicacid/recommendations.html

[marceldegraaf]

Congratulations! We have an 18 month old daughter, and while I don't consider myself an expert on parenting (far from it), I can share some points:

1. Having a child is both the scariest and the coolest thing that happened to us. You constantly feel like you have no idea what you're doing, but in the end you will always manage.

2. Don't be fooled by people that say that "your life together will be over" and "enjoy your time together while you still can". This is bullshit. This is your own family, so you can make your own choices in how to spend your family time and together time. For example, when our daughter was small enough to still sleep in the stroller, we regularly went out for dinner together and let her sleep next to our table. Maybe this doesn't work out in your situation; the point is that there are no rules on what you can and cannot do once you have a kid. Don't let yourself be forced into the "now we must always stay at home" mantra, because it is total nonsense.

3. If you are free to work from home, and you have a quiet place in the house where you can do so, then I would totally recommend it, even if it's only a day per week. I'm working from home full time myself and it's amazing how much time I get to spend with my family. Not just breakfast and dinner, but also the seemingly mundane things like kissing her "goodnight" when she goes to bed for her afternoon nap. Again, this may or may not work in your situation, but I find it awesome.

4. Love your child: tell them that, and show them. Show them that you love their mother.

[flashman]

Parenting is like having your code reviewed constantly: people will judge every decision you make, and you will judge yourself based on things you read and other people's children. On top of that, many of these judgements are entirely subjective!

I think it's important to take on board the suggestions of others because they provide useful external input. But ultimately what makes fatherhood so rewarding is seeing the way that both you and your child grow together as a result of the way you parent.

Good luck and have fun. But remember a lot of the time it won't be fun.

[cstuder]

Don't overthink it. Other people have managed it too.

Our doctor recommended to read just one book and one book only, in order to not get confused. On other side I've found that since a lot of books tend to contradict each other, most issues are not really issues at all, so we just do what feels right.

[ofcapl_]

exactly - take one particular book and stick to it.

[obstinate]

If your wife doesn't already exercise, she should start. Even just a 20-30 minute walk after meals is a solid start.

As far as the prenatal diet, there are, to my understanding, two important elements. One is folate. The other is maintaining a healthy weight. Your wife isn't eating for two, she's eating for 1.1 or so. Although the crave-induced trips to the ice cream shop are fine for movies, being overweight is associated with complications during pregnancy and delivery. Not a doctor, this is just what I read as I read up on this during my own wife's pregnancy.

Early child rearing is pretty damn basic. Feed the kid as much as they will eat. Breastmilk is best, but formula is better than not having enough. They sleep better when well fed, so it can make the first few weeks a lot less hellish if you have some formula on hand if your wife's production isn't up yet. There's not anything else to it for at least 15 months from where you are now, so I wouldn't sweat those details yet. You'll have more than enough to deal with between now and then.

To err on the side of cautions, minimize the use of TV screens in the room where the baby is hanging out, even as background noise.

Hospital-grade breast pumps are more than worth the $90 rental fee. Even better if your insurance will pay.

Do whatever you can to resolve any conflict anti-patterns you have with your wife now. This part does not get easier once the baby arrives.

[simplexion]

Reason for minimizing TV? I have never restricted my children from watching TV and now at 5 and 2 they prefer to be running around outside most of the day.

[byoung2]

First off, congratulations! My daughter is 2.5 now, but it seems like yesterday I was where you are now. The best advice I can give you is take all advice with a grain of salt. We got so much conflicting advice it was hard to know who to believe. My wife is a biologist/registered nurse/doctor so I thought we'd have an advantage, but it didn't stop the wives' tales (apparently driving while pregnant encourages the baby to walk sooner).

[pseudobry]

Before my daughter was born, I spent of lot of my free time coding—open source, side projects, etc. After she was born, that other stuff just didn't seem as important anymore. There's no perfect README for perfect parenting—we figure that out as we go along and it's all okay in the end. But absolutely, remember that there is no substitute for your time. Give her/him that. The rest will work out.

[musgrove]

We're about to have our first child in 3 weeks(give or take). Some things that have helped: my wife. She can explain a lot that I've had questions about because she's been thinking about kids for a long time, and generally goes to baby showers and likes to play with babies. The hospital. They offer free classes on everything from breastfeeding to being a new dad. Heidi Murkoff has a corny but valuable and informative video series on YouTube where each week she tells you what's going on with the baby. It's good to watch each week with the wife, and her book has sold a zillion copies. 2 books I have are "what to expect when your wife is expanding" by Thomas hill and the other is "be prepared-a practical handbook for new dads" by Greenberg and Hayden. As far as your wife's and baby's nutrition, her doctor should prescribe what they need. She'll be monitored well and getting lots of lab tests done to keep them healthy, so just worry about all the million other things instead. :) Hope this helps some.

[musgrove]

Oh yeah- I do the cooking too. Rules are, especially at the beginning, no processed meats, nothing not pasteurized, no shellfish, no alcohol, limit caffeine, no soft cheeses like feta and blue, be extra careful about coking meat until done and kitchen sanitation. Your wife will probably need lots of fiber, so anything incorporating that is good. My wife has been chugging milk like crazy. I don't know if that's unusual or not, but something I noticed. She generally wants comfort food because they're in such discomfort. She'll eat lots of small meals because her stomach will be squished. So lots of healthy snacks lying around just in case. Fruits especially. She'll have cravings so you just have to go with the flow.

[petervandijck]

1. You can not spoil a baby under 1 year. Hold them, squeeze them. (And buy a sling).

1.5 When they cry: a. are they hungry? -> food b. sleepy? -> sleep c. poopy? -> clean d. just crying to let the stress out -> carry and/or let cry

2. Let them sleep through the night when they're 3 months old for 2 nights and nobody will believe what an awesome baby you have after that, happily sleeping through the night and all.

3. Make sure mom takes naps after the baby's born. Sleep deprivation != good.

4. Rythm rythm rythm. After a few weeks, start with this rythm: a. they wake up -> immediate food! b. Now you have a rested and fed baby = happy baby. Playtime! (30 minutes or an hour) c. first sign of tired (about 2 hrs after waking up at first) -> TO SLEEP!

rinse and repeat.

When baby is crying, most often they're tired. do NOT start stimulating them like crazy, because the crying will stop for a few minutes but after that it's worse. Just tuck them in, let them cry a few minutes and they'll sleep.

Also, babies are sturdy! Don't worry too much about it :)

[thehoff]

I'd echo that books didn't seem to help me much. We have a two year old and had bought quite a number (and received another handful as gifts) of books for various topics (eating, sleeping, educating). My wife didn't read any of them past the preface/intro. I barely made it through half of them. And after our little one came along it was obvious that they were a waste of money.

I think for most people it just clicks. Someone in here said it's not hard. I disagree (though I may have read the "it's not hard" in a different sense of "it's not hard"). It's definitely hard work. I now have a great respect for any stay at home parent. A child is so much work. And there are so many levels of hard. For instance, we looked forward to when our little one could walk. We thought it would make things so much easier. No that was just a different level of hard.

But our kid is so much fun. Before he came I didn't have any experience with kids, at all. So I was a little scared that I wouldn't know what to do (hence the books). But it just came naturally. Changing diapers, playing (either "roughhousing" or "nicely"), feeding. It just happened. And for those other moments where I didn't know what to do, well I had my wife to lean on.

I would echo don't listen to others (* this does not include your pediatrician and mother's obgyn) and don't compare your little person to others.

My only piece of advice (except the one I just gave) is find a way to really cherish the moments. I always thought "they grow so fast" was bs. Well two years plus in and I still look at our kid and wonder where the last two years went. It has been a blast but I now look at a little adult sometimes and wish I had a little more time. Work has definitely been put in its place over the course of the last year as I realized this.

[DanBC]

The English NHS has a bunch or articles for parents. These are calm and evidence based. Watch out for cultural differences though - in England the current advice is that bottles must be sterilised carefully just before each use; other countries say you don't need to sterilise bottles. (Bottle feeding isn't just for formula - women can express breast milk and let dads do some feeding).

Investigate sources of help for breast feeding. Most women want to; many experience problems, and by the time they've got help it's too late, they've bought all the bottles and formula and stopped breast feeding.

Your sleep is going to be totally disrupted. Sleep deprivation is used as a torture method so don't underestimate the disruption that lack of sleep can cause.

[simplexion]

Just do what works best for you. Don't ever expect anything to be easy. I tried to read a few recommended books prior to my first being born and I just realised it was mostly author's opinion. There are very few books that are based on reason and evidence, mostly subjective opinion.

All you need to do is love your kids and spend as much time as possible with them. They are only babies for a short time and while it might suck a bit, it's also amazing watching them grow.

On another note... really try to figure out how you want the birth to be. We had our first in a private hospital and our second at home supported by the hospital (Australia). The second one was a much nicer experience (although I wasn't pushing a baby out of a small hole in my body).

[hpaavola]

I'm assuming you and your partner are both (at least fairly) smart and (at least fairly) well educated and you are (at least fairly) well resourced (meaning you got friends, good relationship to your parents, jobs, ...). You will do just fine.

You do not need to be a "perfect" parent, just good enough. Remember to nurture also your relationship with your partner and reserve some time for yourself. When you and partner feel good about your life and are well resources, the kid will turn up just fine.

[jsankey]

I have a daughter approaching 18mo, so not that far ahead of you. Some thoughts:

* This is both more work and more fun than you can imagine :).

* Don't dumb things down too much. I noticed my daughter can often understand more than I "expect" at the time, so I take care not to e.g. simplify how I speak/teach too much (clarity and repetition is important, but they make leaps all the time so don't hold back too much).

* Lots of people will offer an opinion, myself included, but find your own way. Do what comes naturally (although I am not what you'd call a natural with babies, once I had one of my own it feels natural after all).

* If your partner is doing most of the care while you work (common for the Mums still these days) do not underestimate how hard/tiring it is for her! It is relentless work/focus that is much more tiring than a day in an office (despite also being full of fun!). Get home early to spend time with your baby and help with the evening routine.

* You will start to value sleep like never before. ;)

The single best thing we've done is split child care responsibilities evenly. After the first year (when my wife was off full time and breast feeding) we moved to 4 days of work each, with our respective weekdays off used to look after our daughter. This has made my bond with her a lot closer, and I have the experience/knowledge to split shared care time better with my wife (often there is one "default" parent who ends up doing too much work).

[century19]

In Europe (I think) there are two popular "systems" for small babies. One is Gina Ford:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/New-Contented-Little-Baby-Book/dp/00...

And the other is the EASY (Eat, Active time, Sleep, You time) "system" I think explained in this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Secrets-The-Baby-Whisperer-Communica...

All of these are just guides but we did find the schedules helpful. Telling you how when and how much your baby should be sleeping per day, eating at each feed etc. Of course none of it goes perfectly but it is good to have something to aim for!

Once our baby was big enough to eat solid foods my wife loved this book:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Annabel-Karmels-Complete-Toddler-Pla...

[simplexion]

I highly recommend that you do not read these books. Maybe look into Baby Led Weaning, putting everything into a blender made no sense to me.

[DanBC]

Gina Ford's advice is probably harmful. They're really vile books and most people I know who've read them and tried to follow the advice felt miserable about it, and it didn't work.

Don't use any "cry it out" (even the gentle ones, which Gina Ford's are not) until the child is at least six months old.