Ask HN: The struggle to stay motivated

[pupsocket]

I'm an engineer at $LARGE_SOFTWARE_CO. I'm just shy of 10 years in the workforce. With some skill and lots of luck, I find myself as the lead for a prominent product with a large, established user base. I've run this project for a couple years and enjoy a lot of creative freedom and influence over its future. The project itself is successful and growing fast. The team is smart and effective.

I make great money in this role, which is really the only way I'm able to eke out a decent lifestyle (married, kid on the way) in my hometown, $INCREDIBLY_EXPENSIVE_US_CITY. I set my own schedule, and I never work 40 hours. I carry a pager, but it's not much of a burden. By all accounts, it's a top-notch job and I'm lucky to have it.

Problem is, I can't stand it anymore.

I'm constantly stressed; I have no motivation to complete anything; when I'm in the office, if I'm lucky I can work for two hours before I'm overwhelmed by the desire to leave. Talking to managers and product people sends me into a rage. My task backlog isn't getting shorter. When I'm home the last thing I want to think about is work, and I spend half my work time just trying to stay motivated.

I've felt this way about work before, but I always blamed it on whatever dead-end job I had. But my current job is the polar opposite; I never expected I'd get it, and I can't even imagine a better job. Although I've interviewed and received offers for positions elsewhere over the years, I've never found one even slightly attractive in the end.

All of my mentors became millionaires or startup founders. I'm not a millionaire yet. I've worked at a startup and hated it. I don't find startup work exciting, and I like my personal life. But what the heck else can I do? I feel like my output has peaked, and the future looks surprisingly grim. How am I supposed to get motivated?

[Karawebnetwork]

I'm a lot more junior than you are, but I felt similar recently. I hated my job. Had a few offers that were tempting, paid more, but were farther away. It was a struggle to come to work.

Then, our lead designer walked out. There was a shortage of designers. I stood up and said "Hey, I know photoshop and I've got a good eye! If one of the designer give me a style guide, I'd be able to design this website!".

I did a very basic wireframe for a website, and ended up designing it all. This was FUN. I have not done any other design work since then. But it was enough to open my eyes.

What I hated wasn't the workload. It wasn't the projects. It wasn't the open office. It wasn't my coworkers.

I hated how monotone my work had become. Simply doing something new was like hitting the reset button. Since then, I try to go on the edge of my skillset. We need a video for the office party? ... well, I've done some video editing when I was younger... and my phone has a nice HD camera! Sure, I'm a programmer. I'm not a master at video editing... But who cares?

My biggest skill isn't how I can make awesome loops and how quickly I can connect to a database. My biggest skill is how I can take a challenge, research how to do it, and then do my best to do it perfectly.

Branson said it, but I hadn't understood it until this point. "If somebody offers you an amazing opportunity but you are not sure you can do it, say yes – then learn how to do it later!"

We humans aren't robots. You can't simply put us in front of a game and expect us to play it for the rest of our lives. We need bonus stages. Boss fights. Hell, we need to play a whole different game from time to time!

[staunch]

> It's the same with work. The average MIT graduate wants to work at Google or Microsoft, because it's a recognized brand, it's safe, and they'll get paid a good salary right away. It's the job equivalent of the pizza they had for lunch. The drawbacks will only become apparent later, and then only in a vague sense of malaise.

http://www.paulgraham.com/boss.html

[penguinlinux]

Hey, Don't take for granted what you have. Life is not perfect. Really , you are lucky in so many ways. I know you might not like where you are but other people would give everything to have what you have. I like you have a great job. make great money, my job is not perfect but I work on lots of personal projects.

I don't take for granted what I have, I know it can easily go away at anytime, and that's why I fight to stay relevant and get better at my craft. I might not be able to do it at work but I have my own free time to learn all the new technologies, docker, ansible, aws , etc.

You need to find something else outside of work to make you happy, I think you have everything to make any man happy.

a good wife a kid on the way a good paying job health you live in a great country and you have freedom.

if you are not happy wait until you lose any of the above.

Happy 2015

[AnotherMarc]

First off, if the stress is truly constant, I would advise you to do at least a consultation with a mental health professional. Can't hurt, and no one here has a whole lot of context (we couldn't). My advice for a first step is to uncover why you're stressed feel rage with co-workers. Everyone has different ways of figuring that out, but it sounds like you've given it some thought, and are not sure. Hence, my suggestion.

If you have any relationship issues or anxiety about your upcoming kid (congrats by the way!), that could spill over. When my first was on her way, marriage was all good (still is), and I was excited to be a parent. But I was still nervous as hell, and I'm sure some of that nervousness spilled over to other areas.

However, it seems as if this might be a pattern for you, and so I come back to figuring out why. If you don't figure it out, any change you make is likely to result in the same feelings shortly after you make a change. I put myself through some self directed exercises in a book called What Color Is Your Parachute. It's geared to job seekers, but the first steps in the process are about self discovery. There are probably better tools, but that book was the one I grabbed for whatever reason one day in the bookstore. But anything that gets you thinking about what matters to you will help.

Good luck!

[kappaloris]

Do you care at all about what your company does? What did you hate about your startup experience?

While I'm not in your position, I fear that I will one day end up in a situation where I'm working on something that I don't care at all about and regardless of what the job gives back in terms of money/prestige/experience, I won't be able to 'unsee' the fact that I'll be wasting my life for the benefit of a third party.

As of now the only thing that really keeps me motivated is a combination of a challenging problem (not being 100% sure to be able to solve it elegantly) and working on something that I care about personally. Unfortunately it seems to me that this kind of combination is most likely found in the startup world, which means you also have to deal with its generally awful culture.

Maybe you too can find a way to keep motivated, although having a family surely reduces your possibilities. A side project maybe?

If you can't change your working situation then you must find a way to 'recharge your batteries' outside of work and since you have a kid on the way you might also want to consider something that you can share with him/her in the future.

[joshschreuder]

When was the last time you took a vacation over two weeks long? If it was a while ago, that should probably be the first thing to try - and don't work on vacation.

Try and make it clear to colleagues you won't be contactable, and hold yourself accountable to this (no checking tools, email etc.)

[foolishdream]

That is the common link between this specific time you feel this way and all the other past times? You've exhausted all the potential external sources, so maybe it's time to look within. This may sound like voodoo, but there might be some internal source that is causing you to feel this very real sense of anxiety and stress. Before you go do something brash like quitting what seems like a dream gig, dedicate several months to check in with multiple psychologists to see if that doesn't help improve your malady first.

[JSeymourATL]

> How am I supposed to get motivated?

Embrace the suck! So much of work-life is a mental game. Can you learn to lean into it, take control, and shake off the lethargy of a controlled environment?

Recommend reading Mark Divine, unusually good practical advice> http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/17465530-the-way-of-seal

[HarryPPotter]

Life is art and we are making our masterpieces throughout the way. If I were you, I would quit. Because now for me working for somebody else is probably the best thing I could do to destroy the rest of my life.

[yellow_and_gray]

Is there a way to contact you? If you are willing to be a guinea pig I have something for you to try.

From the three main things people need (competence, relatedness, autonomy) you seem to be missing autonomy.

[ashleyp]

Sounds like you've reached burnout? Take some time off? Happiness > money =).

[Arjuna]

There's a lot at play here.

Here are just a few notes that come to mind, based on what I've extracted from your comment. They are designed to try to get you to ask yourself, "What is the root cause of my lack of motivation?" They may or may not be on point or specifically applicable, but again, take them as potential "candidate questions", if you will, to get you thinking toward solving the problem.

1. You have a child on the way. As a parent myself, that's an absolute game-changer, and you could be subtly stressed about this. Becoming a parent affects different people in different ways. It's possible that you are mentally focusing more on that upcoming area of your life, and so the motivation to stay connected at work is subtly fading.

2. In conjunction with #1, you mentioned that you live in a high-cost city. That, coupled with the fact that you are going to become a parent, could be causing stress. You may feel that there isn't enough money, and this could be subtly impacting your motivation.

3. I take it that you are a software engineer that worked up through the ranks and are now leading a project. Is it possible that you miss being a developer? That is, are the stresses of managing the project, "talking to mangers and product people" pulling you away from your love of the code, such that it's absolutely draining your motivation?

4. Alternatively, if you're in a "mixed role", where you both code and manage, maybe you are suffering from the fact that all of the product meetings and discussions are killing your productivity, so your backlog just keeps getting larger and larger. If so, that of course can be a deep cause of stress, despite having full control of your schedule, and having all other aspects of your position be copacetic.

5. Are you just flat-out burned-out? Do you need a vacation? It could be that you need to step away and recharge.

6. Is it possible that you have become unmotivated because of your comparisons to your colleagues who have went on to become millionaires? Admittedly, this is of course a very difficult comparison, but if this is affecting you, you will need to work at letting it go. This will poison your Will. There is no other way except to keep fighting, and to keep working on what you define to be important for you.

7. Are you taking time out to exercise and eat right? I'm talking about lifting heavy weights, cardio, yoga, etc. In my experience, this is vital to reconditioning the mind, revitalizing the soul and improving your outlook.

8. Finally, do you still love what you do? This is an important, but potentially tough question to ask yourself in an honest way. That is, if none of the above are factors, it could be that you need a change of season in your life. I've written about this before, but in my personal experience, motivation is secondary (but closely related) to passion.

Generally, when one has an issue with motivation, then he or she may not have discovered his or her true passion in life.

You have to find your passion.

If you do not find it, then it is likely that you will never be truly motivated.

However, once you have found your passion, then you will find that it is literally game on in your life. You will wake up earlier, because you have engaged passion in your life, which will bring motivation to your actions. You will be bringing the thunder. You will be firing on all 12 cylinders. You will not want to sleep more than is necessary, because you will know from deep within you, that you want to bring what is inside of you to others, and to the world.

Ask yourself:

1. "What am I truly passionate about?"

2. "How can I deliver what I am passionate about to others?"

Answer these questions, back the answers up with action, and you will see motivation unfold in your life.

I wish you every success.

[massung]

I'd echo many of the things that Arjuna stated. I'd also like to offer some additional thoughts...

Please believe me when I say that your entire world view/focus is going to change over night when your child is born. Your ambitions are going to take a back seat to your child's welfare and stability. But, at the same time, your personal happiness is going to be deeply rooted in your child's.

Are you no longer finding yourself in a "creative" role and instead find yourself in a "support" one? I know when that happens to me initially I have a short period of time where I feel very accomplished and relaxed (i.e. completed project), but then quickly fall into a kind of depression until the next "creative" thing comes up. Before my daughter was born, this was when I would begin looking at other jobs. It wasn't because my current one was bad, but rather because I wasn't being challenged and my skills applied meaningfully. Something new had the potential for learning, creating, and adventure. Years have taught me that very rarely was the problem my environment; it was me not understanding how to pull myself up and start setting goals and being constructive without someone telling me to.

Stop and ask yourself, "if I owned $LARGE_SOFTWARE_CO, and I had a great employee, what would I want him/her to do if they were feeling depressed, unmotivated, and/or bored?" I'd hope your answers would be:

Tell me; I want to do all I can to increase their happiness at work. Maybe there's something I can do to help.... And be pro-active; find where we're falling short and solve it!

After 10 years with a company I have to believe that you've earned some respect. What could be improved? Don't limit your field of view to your own domain. What steps would you take? Go talk to your superiors, tell them how you feel, and give them suggestions on what you (not they) could be doing that would be beneficial to you and the company. Any good manager would be absolutely ecstatic to get this feedback from a valued employee.

Best of luck!