gertertsgsdfa's comments

Yeah, I hug loads of my male friends too, and, like you, it's all about following their cues (and providing your own). Interestingly, my Dad isn't comfortable with hugging men at all, so I don't force him into it. What I find works really well with him is the handshake + shoulder pat + hold. It's basically half a hug, but he's okay with it. Maybe the author of the blog post should try that.

Really? That's your minimal solution for awkwardness? Ice-breakers should be fun or interesting conversation starters, they shouldn't be you calling attention to how awkward you are. Just learn follow the other person's cues. If you must do it, the excessive-honesty-in-order-to-elicit-sympathy tactic can be saved as a back up plan for when you make mistakes.

I think much of the reason why it's "normal" for men to greet women with hugs and men with handshakes isn't about disrespecting women. I expect it's really about not seeming gay. In my personal experience, much of male society is suspicious of physical intimacy between men, and treats it with homophobia. That, I expect, puts a social pressure on men not to hug each other, and that is how our norms have evolved. As other people point out, in a lot of other cultures men do hug other men (for example, I hug other men).

Certainly, you can't accuse Shane Snow of trying to push an agenda that supports the notion of men being cool and composed. He is super awkward and he knows it.

Also, the notion that hugging too much cheapens hugging is a bit silly. It's very easy to express genuine warmth and emotion in an embrace. It doesn't matter how many other people you've hugged, or how indifferent you were at the time. Your friends aren't going to see you hug other people and think "oh, man, he'll hug anyone, maybe that means I'm not special".

That's not really much of a defence though, is it? British construction workers have decided for themselves which jokes are normal, which are funny, which jokes cross the line. Their tastes are biased in a very sexist way (probably more to do with subjective bias than actual misogyny, but still sexist in content).

Think about your list of things to joke about. If you're not a straight, masculine, white, English man then they joke about whatever makes you different. Which means sexist, homophobic or racist jokes. If you are a straight, masculine, white, English man, then, ha, ha, you like Manchester United. It's not ha, ha, your mum's got cancer, or ha, ha, you lost your wife in a car accident. No, hurtful jokes only get made to people who are different. People who are like the majority get made fun off for having different taste with regards being a sports fan.

Just because it's a tradition, and they don't mean it, doesn't mean it's okay.

Well, it's not exactly the same, is it? Firstly, when straight men make gay jokes at each other, everyone knows it isn't true, it's just a joke. Straight sexual jokes are more likely to have a component of truth to them, which makes them must less pleasant to receive. Jokes between men are part of how men establish pecking orders, but sexual jokes are part of how men signal their attraction to women. Unwanted sexual advances feel unpleasantly intrusive. They're supposed to feel that way. It's a part of human sexuality - we're all strongly motivated to push for our own sexual autonomy.

Secondly, there's the fact that these jokes single her out. She's the only one getting sexual and sexist jokes, so that makes her a special target. If it were all those men making constant gay and sissy jokes to a gay man, you wouldn't think twice about calling it bullying. Hazing becomes bullying if one person gets singled out.

Bullying with a sexual component is straight up sexual harassment. Maybe it isn't meant that way, but that's exactly what it is. A lot of bullying exists because dumb people don't think about what they are doing. "It's just a joke," they say. But it's not. It's the same joke, every day, from everyone. This is exactly the kind of situation where an employer has to step in and tell everyone to grow up and leave it at home. And when I say they have to, I mean it's the law, and they're going to get sued.

Also, the less direct sexism the writer faces show that she is not being treated like the men. The assumption that she is lost or trespassing because she is a lone woman on a building site is pretty sexist. Sure, women working on building sites are rare, but so are women getting lost on building sites. The whole asking if she was "fit" e-mail conversation was cringe inducing - and completely not how a man would be treated.